Everyone wish me luck

[JRL]

Salvia was like St. Johns, it worked enough to notice but it was hit or miss.
If you would have asked me a year ago about antideppresants I probably would have not been interested, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

The side effects are there, but considering the alternative I will take them. They seem to be lessing with time. The funny thing is the drug feels like a natural fit, like tryptamines do.

Hey if I had my whole life ahead of me, I would probably be looking down some other path. I am dedicated to squeezing every bit of life out of the 20 years or so years more I can reasonably expect.

All signs seem to point to a chemical imbalance being at the root of my problems. This was undertaken as an experiment, so far I really like the results. I am gonna give the pharms six months and then reevaluate. It certainly beats being dependent on street drugs. My therapist said my drug is a lazer, cocaine is a sledgehammer and meth is a bulldozer. I certainly don't wanna go back the way I've been, too much cost, too much pain.

[Hyakitaki]

First off I would like to make possitive that i'm incredibly drunk...

Ok now for my point, nano-technology is moving at an incredible rate with nano-machines expected to make organs by 2010 and nano-machine injection into the body by 2025...That means these nano-machines will repair the body...D o you know why people die?  They die because of organ failure, if you organs are perfect then you don't die.  What does this speell out immortality by 2025 baby ya!!!

So I guess my point is age doesn't matter my friend

[Stonehenge]

JRL, if it seemed to work but didn't work enough, you probably just didn't use a large enough dose. Dose is important. When I get the feeling you mention after using salvia, I just use it again. It has always done the job for me. Keep trying it until you find your dose. The depression tends to tell us that everything is useless and makes us give up just before we would have succeeded. Keep trying it and it will work.

[Hyakitaki]

Here is a poem I wrote incredibly fast just now.  I'm no poet, but all I was trying to do was express what emotions are to me.


”Emotions”
Grasp onto me
Cut deep into me with your blade
Influence me with anxiety
Or another foolish charade
A lingering imaginary background
That alters perceptions of reality
None of this is sound
Release your ever present grasp
And allow me to fall into myself


-Matt

[caulfield]

This second page here somewhat epitomizes rather concisely my current sentiment towards this community as it stands. Don't get me wrong, I consider you all to be people with beautiful thoughts and open minds, but it is frustrating at times to interact with you when dealing with any subject matter outside of a creative context (on a more serious level).

And I am not criticizing any of you... Because truth be told I give everyone the benefit of the doubt when it comes to stuff as complex as psychology and metaphysics etc. And I do that because I can't admit to know or understand what life truly is, beyond 1000 fleeting vague notions that swim around my head. I mean... Existence is what? Its all at once, a intricate and beautiful work of art; an empty and all comsuming cosmic joke; an epic tale of ultimate triumph; and a glorious tragedy of perpetual defeat.

Heck, so if I ever post that I suffer from any level of anxiety or depression or obsessive-compulsive tendencies and then recieve a poem, a painting, or a trip report as a reply... Out of respect for the lot of you I have to see where you are coming from with an open mind.

Avery, J, Cen, Syd, etc... Thx for your support in this matter. As I stated, it took years of my life and ALOT of thought to even come to this decision, and J, I especially appreciate your responses detailing your personal experiences with psychotherapy. I too have my doubts so far, but I just wanna give this a try. I simply feel like I have hit a wall in my personal growth and nothing I have tried so far is helping me to really face whatever it may be which is bogging me down. With that said, the only thing which has truly prevented me from seeking any form of professional help (emotional or psychological) is also another form of close-mindedness to begin with.

[JRL]

I felt a bit guilty about hijacking your thread, but it just kind of grew. I knew I would get some response about the meds.

Caul, sometimes a trained objective other is just what is needed to take the next step, whatever it is. PM me if you want to.

[Hyakitaki]

Sorry for hijacking the thread but I just have one more thing to say.  I would like you to take this seriously and actually check it out.  I realize that book referals are common to say the least, but this book is seriously good.

It's called:

"Wherever you go there you are" by Jon Kabat-Zinn

One of my friends who was in extreme depression, and when I say this I mean really bad the doctor was about to perscribe him gabapentin (which is an extreme happy pill perscribed to bi-polar people).  Well he listened to my friends and I and turned down the drugs.  I'm not sure who recommended this book to him, but since he's read it he seems much better.

I realize you probibly aren't going to get this book, although I view that to be a huge mistake on your part.  There really isn't anything I can do to try and have you read it, have you at least buy it, or perhaps check it out from your library.

I personally think that this will help you more than any drug, more than anything.  I sound kinda insane now, and since you probibly have already judged me on who you think I am....I guess all I can do is say please read it.

If there ever was a time in real life that I would bow down and beg someone to do something, it would be now.  I know that you don't know me in real life....but please read this before taking a perscription.  Man I would seriously be in tears right now if I were saying this to you in person, infact i'm almost in tears now...do your best my friend

P.S.  I would buy it for you and have it shipped to you, but I seriously don't have the money.  As it is i'm a month behind on rent and i'm eating nothing but microwave 33 cent burritos and ramen noodles.

Best of luck, Matt

[brown]

good luck

[caulfield]

good luck

BROWN! Miss ya brah! How is life?!?! Thanks for the sentiment.

[boomer2]

Good Luck.

Reminded me of one time I was  on Khosarn Road in Banlumphu, Bangkok and I was looking over some 8 x 6 prints I just had developed when this wino kionda person came up to me, all dirty and gruby and says, "Mushroom John!, Didn't you and I go to the same psychiatrist in Honolulu."

not to worry, I got over it long ago.

Funny thing is my Dr at the time, had eaten over 100 hits of LSD in his life.  He uit his practive four tiems to go off tripping arounfd the world. Finally tuened his clients over to his partner.

boomer2

[caulfield]

Good Luck.

Reminded me of one time I was  on Khosarn Road in Banlumphu, Bangkok and I was looking over some 8 x 6 prints I just had developed when this wino kionda person came up to me, all dirty and gruby and says, "Mushroom John!, Didn't you and I go to the same psychiatrist in Honolulu."

not to worry, I got over it long ago.

Funny thing is my Dr at the time, had eaten over 100 hits of LSD in his life.  He uit his practive four tiems to go off tripping arounfd the world. Finally tuened his clients over to his partner.

boomer2

Okay, thanks oldtimer. My dude had started to mention Leary once and I accidentally kinda scoffed under my breath and he confronted me so I was like "Sorry Doc, it's nothing... I just think Leary was a moron. I do kind of like Alan Watts though." and he said "Well... Alan Watts was just... A beautiful human being. Yup."

Too soon for me to outright declare that things are going well, but all in all it is not nearly as scary or STRANGE as I thought it would be.

-Caulnalyst

[Cassie]

Hi Caul ... i had psychotherapy many years back - a Jungian therapist recommended by a friend. It is absolutely key that you are 100% comfortable with him/her (no psychological barriers, as they say).
When I talked about my life she would be looking for clues to repressed, unprocessed, traumatic etc experiences.
I left the city and discontinued therapy and it took many years to really get in touch with the certain aspects of myself that i knew were causing me problems.
I do hope it works for you.

[caulfield]

Thanks Casser, I appreciate it.