Everyone wish me luck

[caulfield]

Today is my first session with a psychologist. I can finally start to find out if I am Asperger's Syndrome and/or borderline personality disorder. Please wish me luck (even though I know many of you disagree with psychotherapy and analysis). It took me years to reach this decision and I am, at this point, rather hopeful.

-The Caul

[Avery L. Breath]

Took some guts on your part caulfield to make that move, so good for you.  I bet it was a solid choice.  First steps are always the hardest.

So best of luck............ and don't  be afraid to seek other counselors if the first one doesn't set with you well.

[JRL]

Caul, I have been seeing a great therapist, plus taking Zoloft for some months now. Can't even begin to tell you how much help I have gotten. Go forth fearlessly my friend.

[cenacle]

no person's happiness or sense of sanity is another's, and no person's path to these things is any but his or her own...good luck, caul, be brave as you plunge into your psychic murk...keep swimming, each stroke a splash toward hope...

[caulfield]

Caul, I have been seeing a great therapist, plus taking Zoloft for some months now. Can't even begin to tell you how much help I have gotten. Go forth fearlessly my friend.

Hey jazzman. I am curious. About how long did it take you to find a therapist who is in tune to you? Was this person suggested by a friend or family member? I found my person on my own (provider listing through my insurance) because I don't want everyone close to me to know just yet that I am going this route.

The two main concerns I have are how long it will take me to find someone who connects to my particular set of issues, and making the decision as to whether to consider pharms if it gets suggested. Those two things make me somewhat apprehensive and nervous... But other than that, null sweat hereabouts.

[JRL]

Well this therapist was recommended by my brother some years ago in an earlier time of crisis. She is just great, and specializes in the problems encountered by artists and other creative types (she is a musician herself).

Last time I was really not ready for the help she had to offer, this time it has been miraculous. Her emphasis is on interpersonal integrative healing, and also work on habits of thought. She is nonjudgmental and I trust her totally.

As far as the pharms go, I had never even considered going that way, but deep in crisis I decided to try St. John's Wort, and it was hit or miss, but it gave me enough relief to see that maybe that was the direction I needed to go. What I am seeing from looking at my history in therapy is that I have had a lifelong tendency to depression, dealt with by self medicated which in turn further upset my chemical imbalances. My many years of heavy drug abuse have probabley permantley changed my brain.

Man, it is so great to wake up in the morning with a sense of excitment, rather than dread and anger. My late beloved Uncle Bob, who was no stranger to mental health issues once told me "keep working at it and it will work out". I realize now what wise words they were.

All the best!

[Syd]

Good for you and good luck.

[Hyakitaki]

You know i've always wanted to sit down with a psychologist...I've viewed that as an incredibly fun period, man I would rock their world with my thoughts and philosophies.  The things that drive me would come up....I bet they would definatly institutionalize me after that hahahahahahaha.

So I guess good luck but mostly I envy you....

As far as Pharms go...I really don't beleive in those (except to have a good time once and a while).  I beleive that you will never really get through your problem unless YOU confront it head on, make peace my friend.

-Matt

[LizJah]

Ooooh!!

Now you're talking!! I know what this is all about!!

http://www.shrinkydinks.com/

With Love!!

Lj

[JRL]

Well Hya, in my case it is taking both of those things to help...would you rather I suffer??

[Hyakitaki]

JRL, I'm not really sure what you are talking about...

I was just saying that eventually it's just going to be YOU, and you have to make peace with yourself in order to fully recover.  I actually think drugs make that harder to do because addiction can be a horrible thing (I quit fucking cigarettes on the first of January, and i'm still getting cravings I mean what the hell man it's been a month I WON SO LET ME WIN!!!).  

Another example is sleeping pills, i've stayed away from those even though i'm an insomniac.  Infact i've stayed away from those because i'm an insomniac.  I already have these things I have to do before I go to bed otherwise they just stay on my mind until I eventually get fed up and do them.  If I took sleeping pills it would be giving up on myself completely because I KNOW that I would never be able to sleep again without them.


Seriously your statement is absurd as this one:

"I need 10 concubines to sleep easy at night, would you rather I suffer?"


Let me tell you another story:

When I was a bit younger I think I was about 16.  My family and I went on a trip to Florida, we got some condo near a beach or something along those lines.  Well we were sitting watching tv in the upper part and everyone was laughing and having fun when I realized I felt alienated.

I thought to myself "I'm not having fun like them, is there something wrong with me?".  I fell into the deepest depression i've ever had, because I was allowing myself to think like that.  Everytime I walked by a high place I thought of jumping off it, just to end the fucking depression.

I thought to myself "What if i'm dead, and everyone around me is just one of my memories being played out infront of me."  This of couse threw me deeper into depression because I felt even more alone and alienated.  We went out for crabs that night and I just bust out crying because the internal pain was incredible.  It was the worst feeling i've ever felt, crying made me feel slightly better for some reason.

The depression kept eating at me, slowly pushing me closer to the decision to just end it.  I felt completely confined to my own mind which had all these horrible thoughts swirling constantly in it.  It was seriously incredibly horrible, anyone who hasn't had this level of depression can't even comprehend the hurt it was causing.

Since I was confined to my mind anyways I let my thoughts wander, I searched the inner recesses of my own mind over and over and over and over.  I found an abundance of good family memories which I beleived at the time to be gone forever never to return in the intensity my memories made them out to be.

My mind continued to search itself, I started thinking how would I like to die.  I thought well I might as well not make my life a total waste I could go down shooting.  I could fight off anyone I damn well pleased like trying to kill, I mean seriously I was just going to die anyways.  It was these thoughts that actually brought me closer to happiness.  The fact that I could do something, something impacting, something other than just a random suicide death.

I searched even deeper and realized, "Hey wait a second, if I was just going to die anyways I could act however I damn well felt also.".  These thoughts swirled hard and I began to think about how funny some of the things I could do would be.  I remember thinking about running around completely naked, and just hitting on women strait out without playing games.  Infact being naked while doing so didn't escape my mind I must say.

I smiled at the thought of my own personal power, I realized I had a broad range of options.  I could do some fucking awesome things, I could do anything I wanted.  I instantly threw away thoughts of what others thought of me, I mean seriously you guys what the fuck do I care i'm ready to die.  

So I decided then to set up mind boundaries that I would never cross again.  Firstly I blocked off the thought I was the only real living being.  I still cross it sometimes, but I just laugh when I think about it now.  I then blocked the whole thought of "I wonder what they are thinking of me?".  This proved to be harder and I still do worry sometimes instinctivly, but I just throw it away after a brief moment.  Other thoughts I come up with that cross my isolation border as I come up with them are thrown away also.

I was permenently changed from my depression, and it was a change for the better.



-Matt

[JRL]

I hear what you are saying, my wife had the same view. When I first started to come to terms with the fact that I was not really doing that well, and my depression, obsession and paranoia was threatening to destroy everything I had worked for, she said basically it was because I was defining myself like that. She is tough, she figured I could change how I was just by deciding to be better.

In a way she is right, I said that's what I am doing but it's gonna take a little while. I went and saw this great therapist I know, told her how crazy I had become. Looking back on my life, it made great sense when she said, you have inborn chemical imbalances probably, aggravated by 39 years of heavy self medication(since I was 15). She suggested that I try an anti deppresant.  I continued to work with her, and do a lot of introspection.

A month or so later I started on an SSRI, and continued therapy. Finally some light. It's been tough looking hard at why I had all these self defeating patterns. Mostly I think it was seeing how hard I myself, and projecting that onto the people around me. Man, It was likely to kill me, I'm too old to be that crazy.

But the bottom line is that all this work is paying off, I really feel different.
I don't know if it's the drug, the therapy, the change of habits, or just a process. I think that they all depend on each other. I don't think one would have happened without the others.

These things are not happy pills, they are normalizers. I have no idea of how long I will take them, but if it has to be the rest of my life, so be it. But I don't think they are keeping me from dealing with my issues, on the contrary.

Maybe if I had a realizations you did young I might not have ended up like this, but it is what it is. I just know that this is what I need to do it's working for me.

What you said about drawing mental limits rings a bell too. Of course that could be a way of avoiding things, but in my case, I have learned to recognise obsession and am learning to turn it off.

Hope this makes sense.

[JRL]

I hear what you are saying, my wife had the same view. When I first started to come to terms with the fact that I was not really doing that well, and my depression, obsession and paranoia was threatening to destroy everything I had worked for, she said basically it was because I was defining myself like that. She is tough, she figured I could change how I was just by deciding to be better.

In a way she is right, I said that's what I am doing but it's gonna take a little while. I went and saw this great therapist I know, told her how crazy I had become. Looking back on my life, it made great sense when she said, you have inborn chemical imbalances probably, aggravated by 39 years of heavy self medication(since I was 15). She suggested that I try an anti deppresant.  I continued to work with her, and do a lot of introspection.

A month or so later I started on an SSRI, and continued therapy. Finally some light. It's been tough looking hard at why I had all these self defeating patterns. Mostly I think it was seeing how hard I myself, and projecting that onto the people around me. Man, It was likely to kill me, I'm too old to be that crazy.

But the bottom line is that all this work is paying off, I really feel different.
I don't know if it's the drug, the therapy, the change of habits, or just a process. I think that they all depend on each other. I don't think one would have happened without the others.

These things are not happy pills, they are normalizers. I have no idea of how long I will take them, but if it has to be the rest of my life, so be it. But I don't think they are keeping me from dealing with my issues, on the contrary.

Maybe if I had a realizations you did young I might not have ended up like this, but it is what it is. I just know that this is what I need to do it's working for me.

What you said about drawing mental limits rings a bell too. Of course that could be a way of avoiding things, but in my case, I have learned to recognise obsession and am learning to turn it off.

Hope this makes sense.

[Hyakitaki]

You know JRL, you sound like a great guy.  I always try to view things as the other person might know better, like I can't comprehend their situation fully.

  Salvia actually blew my mind with things I couldn't comprehend, and kinda set this in stone.

I also realize there are insurmountable generation gaps, in which comprehnsion of anothers thinking and mindsets seem impossible to understand.  For example even my younger sisters who are around 10, have trends and things that I just don't understand at all. (granted women are an impossible thing to understand)

It seems like you have self-confidence which is exactly the cure for this.

As for the mental limits, I fully agree that they are a way of avoiding things.  They are things I view should be avoided though, just crazy philosophical mindsets that have no scientific backup...Things that for some reason I was actually making up to bring myself down at the time.

So ya I guess I can really only understand what i've been through, and can't perfectly set myself in your shoes...I'm still personally against the meds (I would never take them...well except Gabapentin, because it's just way to much fun hahahahaah).  I can't tell you not to though I can only recommend based on personal experiances.

Perhaps your pill is just one made of sugar also...maybe you've had it in you all along.

-Matt

[Stonehenge]

JRL, did the salvia do you any good? It's worked wonders for me and other people I know who tried it. It doesn't seem to have any side effects, unlike pharm products.

I personally don't think happiness is found in a pill or even in an herb. You do have to think positively and get out of some negative thought patterns. Just the way you interpret events that happen in your life can make a big difference. For that, an outside person can be invaluable. Or just listen to what people are saying to you and sometimes you hear something that clicks with you.