Messages

So what is it?

Been reminiscing here lately.  Miss you all.  

Perhaps I'll hit up the irc channel

his second is a serious slump...
but what else can you expect?
I remember my first entheogenic experience
It was beautiful
but my second (and third, fourth) time around
only made it redundant

He needs another blow to the head
But I do admire his effort


There was nothing, nothing off putting in Breaking Open the Head
tons and tons off putts in 2012
if anyone wants my copy lemme know ill mail it out for free...


Hancock's Supernatural was bloated... but at least an effort is there to explore and I admire that.

If you're lonely and uncaring
listen
tree frogs unique chirp
surrounds, abounds
life is all around

Since the last time we spoke
I'd forgotten what to believe
and forgot what I was
inhaled smoke quickly fixing
my lack of inner fortitude
my lack of recognizing

Realizing our separation was a defeat
and I blamed you
blamed your cowardice
paranoia
righteousness

A chemical club you refused to join
as you saw my mind closing in on the edge
whether I flew or fell
you weren't going to see it through
you ran away
waiting one day to confront what was left

So, now you have come back
faced with an empty shell
a new beast emerged

Was my explanation a cop out?
or did my substance whoring force an amnesis?

I am now here to listen
to all I've forgotten, truly
not knowing what it was I was supposed to bring back
to this reunion
except your memory in my heart

http://www.gnn.tv/articles/2301/Some_In ... ut_Al_Gore

But, for Vidal, the act that most proves Gore’s contempt for representative politics was his total acquiescence in the face of the contested 2000 presidential election result in Florida. The image of Gore presiding over the certification of Bush’s victory was a moving, if tragic, scene in Michael Moore’s Fahrenheit 9/11. There he stood, banging his gavel as each successive member of the Congressional Black Caucus rose to challenge the assignment of Florida’s 25 electoral votes to Bush. “There was a hell of a lot of people ready to march,” Vidal says defiantly. But Al Gore wasn’t one of them.

some 2 days
eureka
after 5 more
an exhaltation
exhausted
snore, barum
snore

Push Lilith off
as her to surrender
with a mortal wound
would
wind her way back into my arms

the "we can't beat em, join em" mentality runs rampant still.  Notice once again the many pay for the mistakes of a few who have forgotten they belong to all.

I have been reading a few threads here, there, and around.  I declined to revive any.  But fitting out of all of them I'd choose this particular topic.

Ever since my first 5-meo-dmt (refered to as 5) nearly 6 years ago I have wreslted with Eternal Doubt.  

I have experimented and used various other tryptamines(like)(n,ndmt;amt;5meoamt,psilo,lsd) as merely recreational prior to 5.  Though these latter substances induced differing stages of realization I never felt I was anywhere near understanding.  

(Backstory)
I grew up with little knowledge of Buddhism with what little my Japanese-intergrated mother shared.  As a child I inquired about being and who I was.  I felt since an early coincindental memory at 5 year's old about dying and awaking as someone else somewhere else.  My name perplexed me.  

Was that who I was?  Was this body me?  

But as I grew older these and other thoughts were set aside as I began to bolster the illusion attaching a name and body.  My mother passed away when I was 15 and from that point on I have been doing things on my own, making a lot of mistakes without much guidance.  At 16 I got into entheogenic use after having reoccuring dreams of my mother alive.  She was doing well in a new apartment where I would visit her.  After some time the dreams faded into memory and I knew she was in a better place.  Heaven didn't seem to fit, it was beyond words and ideas.

A few years passed and I got into ayahuasca.   My first brew was caapi with hostilis/chaliponga.  My visions centered around mostly childhood memories.  One outstanding particular memory brought me back to 4-6 years old on the living room floor playing with my sister.  My mother was sitting on the couch looking out a window.  I looked up and caught her eye's reflected in the window.  At that moment those feelings some years earlier of her being "alright" were verified.  Not so much that she was in Heaven or Nirvana ... but I knew she lived within me and I in her.  Our set of eyes became one.  And this coalesced into a cascading pattern... mandalas etc.  Distancing, seperation, freedom, unity.

Now back to 5...

Lo and behold one day I am graciously bestowed with 5.  That first experience is still the one that all other experiences are measured upon.  Nothing cut to the core, Manjushri's sword had severed my head and I lay bathed in anuttara samyak sambodhi.  I won't go into detail because there is nothing to describe.  Afterwards my yearning for Buddhism almost spontaneously occured.  Concepts I never read or heard were innate.  And with this I inquired into as much spiritual mumbo-jumbo I could get my hands on, including the TBD.  Much like a child who learns to ride a bike, one wants to ride on forever.  So I delved deep into Tibetan Bu., Zen Bu, Sufism, Advaita etc.  The message was clear and all lead to the One.

I began practicing meditation... sitting, lying, walking.  Samadhi.  Hoping to finally integrate what I believed to be my enlightenment.  The harder I attempted the further I went astray.  Mentally I was extremely depressed, I lost my job, lived on the streets for nearly a year.  

Inquiring constantly on what went wrong and was it all just an hallucination...  the thoughts bound in me as I became a modern mendicant.  What else to do?  And I was happy without a home, living freely, practicing what I thought was the bodhisattva path.  Again I fell into delusion forcing this life upon myself in attempts to break away from who I was.  Pride is a funny thing and playing the martyr was just more attachment.  Woe is me I thought at my life... such indignation.  People suffering far worse than I and I want a damned cookie for my needless austerities.  Another realization.  I humbled myself and asked for help.  Help came and I moved to Florida.

I guess my point could have been stated with less words , but I have learned to just do instead attempt.  All books and knowledge of such kind are the finger pointing at the moon.  Ancient purple monkey dishwasher sutras/scriptures become modern and the message is not the point.  I have thought about becoming a monk, then the question "Who taught the Buddha?" pops in an out.  I ebb for a master and flow for independence.  The watercourse way leads between.  Selflessness and compassion, forbearance and vigor, charity and wisdom.  
I have rambled on long enough.  Some may understand some may not.  I write.

"When our thoughts are on others , to free them from their misery."  

"To think is to confine yourself to a sole thought that one day shines still like a star in the sky"

Everything is a distraction, remain clear and receptive.  Visions manifest from you, and you are everything.  Thus we remain our biggest distractions.

Today scribed
letters
It would better
bebetter
Bind;Loop

the oppressors
                     vs.  the oppressed
thrilla
showdown

The Doubt to end all doubts
thus resting Doubt
among the Unanimous

Yesterday glimpsed through windows
of faded memories

MayaMachina
  creates all
from nose
to unnose

a waste of space
remaining idle
ordering escape

"It's all good in time"
wether within goeswith
along without

Tomorrow mantled
not so much a trophy
but a reminder to fulfil a simple need
such cruelty!
perverse being
feedlot produced

fractured
fostered by worrying mother
an arrow through wind
plagues a harvesting mind

the child lost
a grieving mother
park bench mementos
Sanctomaniacal monuments
razed repression
the literal pictured
an attempt to ease sorrow

sofar as come
a distanced burden

'O' Misery,  unfathomed omen
of inferiority-
Where strength of Will demands Ascension'

Pure enrapture.

About 3 months before I left Philly, I proceeded to share most of my cat's stash of tryptamine-catnips and Purinee-phenythylamines with my former Penn colleagues.  Happened to chance one night on 10mg each of 5-meo-amt, hour and a half later a film student/friend with a then never released copy of Baraka shows up at my home.  Another hour later after sharing some of my cat's stash we sat and watched something I could never imagine yet exists every day on our wonderful planet.  Truly a ++++.  Both film and tryp.  I usually wander about town on my excursions but could not lift myself up as I was transported to each filmed locale ... the scene with the monk has never left my mind... in the midst of chaos... kihin... bell struck... cold sweat on the surface and a fevered energy up my spine.  Quasi-televised-cinema-satori.  

Oh yeah check out the Qatsi trilogy as well... if Baraka is the honeymoon the Qatsi trilogy is 7 years later with 3 kids and a divorce pending.

Geodes encrusted
help up
the faces inhaled
and sat
for some actualization

Containing Particulars
these geodes
offered complete seperation
dubbed
Santiys' Sake
and The Rock Bottom Certainty

Watching on
them Selfs
to fall thru
being after this

A World sought after
where elves train naga
to follow the way

Forever caught up
the latest events
from The Lips
 attainment pure
 lesson defiled

Rhetorical Dogma
 outlasts
 its' traditions

Breath of Sight
 beyond a Joking Cosmos
 at rest, a still spiral

brugmansia
gasteria
caapi
gymno's (baldy monstrous, maho fred double-head)
philodendron (cross-crenatum)
sansevieria (various)
eupho's
various caudiciforms (zami lancifolia, euphos, pachys)
rose kalanchoe
ficus
bromeliads
hoyas
salvia
aglaonemas siams (kings, queens)
various ferns
orchids
sage n mint
aloes

there's more but i forget the correct names for some

Trees tree
leaves leave
and fall

Green and raw
rife and ripe

charlatans are we all
when an absolute is maintained
with tradition

GAWD breathed life into all things
A cat's eye
mirrors our own

Supposedly our's is HOLY---

the separations...
the indignations...

I feel ya bro..

I relate with your current situation but I know you will persevere.  I always keep ya guys in my heart and not a day goes by that I don't speak of the love all of you have shared.  In my down times SPF has been that place to relate,vent, and relax.  I feel the tide of change sweeping over us and that for some it will bring fear... but for us the hope we have held on for soo long will fruit.  I wish I could give ya a a big hug you ol' crabby bastige  but I guess my bastardization of the english language will suffice for now.