Best "drugs" to help artist block?

[indigo-lotus]

Ok, so I'm new to this site, so if I didn't get this in the right forum I apologize here and now. I know the title is a wee bit vague, but here's my story.

I've been an artist all of my life, and have been doing some kind of creative creation since I was a very very small child. I paint, draw, illustrate, make jewelry, and much much more. I love to explore and be out of the box. Creativity and art is one of my greatest passions, and without it I feel empty. That's the problem. About 3 years ago I started working for the Starbucks coffee company, and literally just few days prior to getting hired, I was whipping out drawings left and right. The change may have been gradual, but looking back I don't see exactly where it all began to fade, but after years of hiding my problems inside and replacing them with a smile, working 8 days in a row without a day off in between (or overtime, might I add), sexual harrassment and emotional/verbal abuse from customers, I began to lose motivation to keep the job but I went on because I had to save money for my wedding and newlywed life. I also lost those essential ingredients to my happiness: creativity, inspiration, imagination.

After getting married, my job status took a 180 degree change, and soon I had transferred to a different store and chose to be reduced from my supervisory status back to barista (so I went from bossing people around to people with lower status bossing me around), and soon I went from having way too many hours and being overworked, to having very few. Soon they ripped my benefits out from beneath me with little warning, and all because I didn't have enough hours in the quarter to cover my benefits because I took time a mere month off for my wedding and honeymoon. (might I add this was after I had to fight to get the time off for my wedding because the company refused twice saying it wasn't a good enough reason for personal leave; wtf??) After that I snapped, just snapped, and had to get out of the job situation, so I quit. But alas, literally just days after I had my last day, my father calls and informs me my mother (the same mother who sewed my wedding dress for me) had run off with another man and didn't have any intentions of coming back. And from sometime in early December to now I have been dealing with a hell of a lot (I would say, but I wouldn't get to my point, and I feel as if I have already digressed already).

Needless to say, my inspiration, imagination, muse(s), and creativity was flushed down the toilet long long ago, and I have no idea how to get it back. I've tried all the suggestions they make, like looking at things that inspire you, but how can you be inspired if you feel empty? I've had a recent change in attitude in life, so I am open and willing to grow and bloom, I just don't know how. I feel like my mind is enclosed in a cage full of rusty barbed wire, and she is trying desperately to break free but the more she moves the more damage she induces upon herself.

I've had limited experience with trying mild-altering substances. I've smoked a lot of weed (which used to make me creative like nothing else, and it's helped my depression and anxiety I've experienced from life change, but it no longer makes me creative like it used to even though I know it could), tried adderal twice (both without much effect) and salvia twice (also didn't have much of an effect)

Any suggestions would be wonderful, but the reason I'm here is to get your advice on what kind of mild-altering substances would be best to pry open my mind and set her free. I really want to be over-flowing with creativity. I miss that so much. Can you help?  :baffled:

[dendro]

welcome to spr, indigo lotus.  :bcool:

If I was in your sitch, I wouldn't be looking for chemical changes from drugs etc. I would move deeply into that which you claim you crave. There is nothing stopping you.

Take that sadness, depression, ennui, whatever, and make something out of it. Anything. Look at your nice sentence:

"I feel like my mind is enclosed in a cage full of rusty barbed wire, and she is trying desperately to break free but the more she moves the more damage she induces upon herself."

Sounds like the inspiration for a cool painting, photo, video/sound track or whatever. Do it! Express your real feelings, don't worry about theme or content. No one has to see/hear it but you.  :wink:

What would Pablo do?

all the best, dendro

[judih]

absolutely what dendro said! Listen to your mind sculpt that image - you can't stop yourself, you're a creative person, your words evoke sculpture, poetry and photography. i also see a one-woman play begging to be stages. Or a series of sketches.

It's all there, waiting for a way to be expressed. Perhaps a new form of expression will help you burst the dam.

Watercolours are good. They're surprising and amusing - at least they were for me.
listening to music is a marvellous catalyst for moving the mind to more expressive places.
Have you considered meditation to help focus yourself?

In any case, welcome to the Spirit Plants refuge.
Make yourself at home.

judih

[laughingwillow]

Greetings lotus.

How did you choose this site (spirit plants refuge) to post your question?

lw

[Amomynous]

I agree with Judih and Dendro. When we feel uncreative it is usually because we're resisting the creative products of our minds. We overlook them not because they are hidden and occluded, but because they are so blindingly obvious, so easy.

Once you get that down, any psychotropic can provide grist for the mill!

On an entirely more pragmatic level:

I once carried a small notebook around for a few weeks, my intention being to capture the random, flitting thoughts that constantly bombarded me but were dismissed without second thought. Every time a "good idea" occurred to me I would write it down at my first opportunity.

The notebook quickly filled up with thoughts, ranging from simple jokes and pranks to things which would take years to fully explore. In short order I was convinced, irrefutably and without question, that any issue one may have is not a lack of good ideas; it is in actually sitting down and following them. I could have based a lifetime of activity exploring the notes collected in a few short weeks.

Perhaps something similar could help you.

[laughingwillow]

I'm with amom.

Once you get the groove back, the psychedelic journey could take things to another level, imo. But I don't think its such a great idea, maybe, to use a drug to attempt to get back to a space you previously occupied (without the assistance of chemicals.)

Good luck.

lw

[jokergrin]

Indigo-lotus,
you sound like such a beautiful person.  It is unfortunate that life and all of its disappointments have taken away that which you held most dear about yourself.  However, I urge you to take the despair, the darkness, the disappointment, even the rage, and transform it into artwork.  Not only will this keep you from replacing doing art with doing drugs, but it will allow you to explore the dark side of art.  It will allow you to create some deep, mysterious, and beautiful pieces.  Go out to a field and find some rusty barbed wire...go gather your materials right now and create something that is an outward expression of what you are feeling inside.  
And when you have come more at peace with things and have realized the potential of being an artist in your dark days -  a potential you never knew you had - only then would I recommend exploring psychedelics (only where legal of course) for artistic purposes.

So for now - let your dark emotions be your drugs of choice - they are more powerful than you could EVER imagine.

if you want to see what I have done in the past you can go to my deviantart page.  jokergrin.deviantart.com

I hope this helps you...keep in touch.

Steve a.k.a. JokerGrin

[Amomynous]

... and to perhaps point out the obvious, working at a Starbucks should give you, as a creative person, a heck of a lot of good material with which to work. Granted, it won't be angle wings and inspiring moments of exquisite beauty. But there should at least be mounds of material for social commentary, even if that hasn't been your thing...

[indigo-lotus]

:tea: Thank you for all the wonderful replies. First off, I chose this site because I wanted more than just a site where people talked about their experiences on a spiritual level, not just talk about how cool it is to get stoned or high. (plus, it was linked from erowid) I have high respect for psychotropics and would be as smart/careful as I ever could be; I don't plan on jumping in on anything unless I'm ready, so I guess you have helped me determine I'm not, which of course affects my decision of when I will experience a new mild-altering substance.  :baby-taptap: Don't worry, I'm not looking to drown myself in drugs to find the answer. Actually, my husband has been itching to experience some psychotropics with me, which I guess was why I asked my question. I wondered what would be best to open the floodgates, but I guess it came out sounding like I depended on drugs for inspiration (eeks, didn't mean for it come out that way, I assure you).

On a quick note, I am a medical cannabis user. I don't believe in taking pharm antidepressants. Cannabis has been helping with the anxiety and depression I've experience recently and has helped soothe my thoughts and mind. I just remember when I was a teen and smoking, I got more of a creative experience., which is why I mentioned it.

Guess I felt curious about what psychotropics would prove medicinal and spiritual for art block and self-expression, but I see that you are right in that I should be able to delve into my inspiration first on my own. Anger  and sadness are wonderful emotions to base works on, (I know because I used to).  I know I shouldn't care what others think, and I keep telling myself, I just feel like in my current situation, I am always being monitored by my conservative and controlling oldest brother. He watches over everything I do, even though I'm the only married child and I'm 21. It really hurts that I'm trying to be on a journey of discovery and self-discovery, and I have him tripping me up all the time, and he isn't someone you can talk to. He thinks women are impractical, over-sensitive creatures who just sit on their butts all day and get fat (that's what he thinks of my mom and I at least) and he even tried to exorcise my dad because he thought he was demon possessed. Yes, he is very intense, very verbal, and uncomfortable with so many things in life (like emotions, pleasure of any kind, nudity, sex etc). A lot like my mom, who thought I was demon possessed or doing witchcraft for writing a poem about anger (one I wrote as a depressed teen). I feel like I shouldn't have to seek approval or care, but you can see why it is difficult for me to be just me and express myself through art, I'm sick of having to hide everything about who I really am. It's exhausting. He can't respect me for who I am, and I know he lacks faith in me sometimes. I want to scream because I want to move out, but my husband and I are so broke and our RV which we were going to stay in for low rent on his grandparents place is stuck in a trees root structure on land that isn't level. I feel so closed in, and my hubby and I can't even have a normal "newlywed" life like this (and I'm sure you know what I mean).

Sorry if I am seeming like I am ranting and rambling on about my life, but honestly I don't have anyone to turn to. My husband admits he can't help me, and when I have low self esteem or just something that's bothering me, he starts to freak out and cry, which makes me feel terrible and I feel like I have to comfort him. I believe in God, so I've prayed and prayed for inspiration, tried to just draw to get things out but just can't seem to, tried to tell people how I feel, I feel like no one hears me, understands me, or can help me (I can't even seem to help myself anymore). I felt desperate and alone in this world, so I turned to this forum because I felt like I could be honest here. Sorry if I was an inconvenience or confused any of you. I hate seeming like a drama queen, I just can't keep dealing with this. I feel stifled.

On a more upbeat note, thank you again for all the wonderful, well-thought replies. It was the honest truth, and I do appreciate every word. I'll try to embrace my emotions and try to be inspired again. I know I shouldn't care and just express myself, and that's part of the journey I will help embrace. I just feel like I'm trying to walk through life in the dark; guess I was just seeking a light that would guide me back to where I need and want to be.

Thank you,
Indigo

[Amomynous]

Yea, you can be honest here. Remember, the forum can embody the good kind of anonymity!

It certainly sounds like you have a lot of material to work with!

But it also sounds, frankly, like you're in a pretty dysfunctional situation, so you'll probably have a long row to hoe regardless. Your art will probably be an important part of that hoeing process.

[laughingwillow]

I'm glad you found us.

Psychedelics can act like an emotional magnifying glass. Negative emotions or unresolved issues that can normally be held at bay have a way of escaping the subconscious and becoming larger than life.

Don't get me wrong, there IS therapeutic application for psychedelic use in depressed individuals, imo. However, experience taught me that sometime its necessary to ride that psychotropic DOWN to the bottom of the fiery pit before one can rise back UP out of the ash. While the outcome might lead to a renewed lease on life, its not an easy or pleasant trip and not one to be taken lightly, imo.

lw

[indigo-lotus]

Thanks anonymous and laughing willow. I'm glad I can feel welcome here.  

I am in a dysfunctional situation, and that's how it has been my whole life. I have always felt stifled in my home situation, so maybe it has been a bad idea to stay at my old home longer than needed. I need to learn to focus my energy and thoughts into a piece that will express what is going on inside. I'm having to relearn how to live in a sense. For a while, my heart and soul felt nearly dead because my life was encompassed with rejection, failure and sadness, and slowly I am working hard so I can live life to the fullest, which I am excited about because I've never done before! It's a new chapter of my life that's been opened. I feel like I should surrender everything to God, but it's a scary thought because I feel held in limbo, no answers, no control. I have to overcome that fear.

And yes, I do believe that you have to fall to the bottom before you can climb back up. When I feel I am prepared for any psychotropic experience, I will embrace the bad and the good moments of the spiritual journey, because I know there is always a good balance of light and darkness in life.

Kind of a random question, but would any of you suggest legal highs, such as herbal smoking blends or blue lotus?

[Amomynous]

Kind of a random question, but would any of you suggest legal highs, such as herbal smoking blends or blue lotus?

I have not found those to be effective. The spiked ones with synthetic cannibinoids are effective and somewhat fun, but if you're a med MJ user I wouldn't bother.

Kava is something which has been shown clinically to help with certain issues, like anxiety and depression. (I happen to enjoy an occasional cup, but have not found it medicinal). But keep in mind that such use is palliative: kava, like modern psychotropic medicines, will treat the symptom, not the cause.

Kratom is similar. It is probably fairly good for depression (it's great fun, being a legal opioid), but it is also mildly addictive (and expensive), so if you decide to try it, please tread carefully.

I'm just a random voice on the Internet who you don't know and doesn't know you, so please take my advice with a huge grain of salt, but: based upon what you've said, it seems to me that you and your husband should perhaps focus all effort and energy on moving out and creating a life for yourselves. Maybe even that should take precedence over art, plants, etc.  Like I said, I don't know you, but perhaps you may want to consider it. It won't fix your problems, but it may help to recapture the energy you'll need to begin the process.

[laughingwillow]

Amen, amom. Get the heck out of Dodge asap. Sounds like another crazy situation for newlyweds, imo.  (We had one, too.)

As far as legal highs go..... Find a big sack of plain sally and proceed to smoke as much as possible for as long as you are able. Do it on the floor. And even if you don't break through after a mega-dose, experience tells me you MAY temporarily alleviate some of the symptoms of depression. I know it makes my brain feel like it runs smoother.....

Doing this I broke through during the third session. After that, it got easier. Now even a small puff of leaf threatens to pull me into salvia space.

lw

[indigo-lotus]

:bgrin: So, I just got back from a nice walk. This a.m. was rough for me for some reason, but I exercised and went for a walk, all the while reflecting upon my thoughts and bringing myself back up to a better place. I sketched a little while and actually came up with something decent. I didn't have the emotional energy to delve too deep and pull out imagery that may be shocking to my audiences, and yes, probably even me, lol! When working with that much emotion and personal experience, the painting becomes more than an image, but rather a snapshot of my soul (guess maybe why it intimidates me, because then I will have a visual of all the pain, grief, and sorrow I was feeling). It's not necessarily a bad thing, but it's just intense. So, I stuck with something simple that would help me take my mind off of things and allow me to sharpen up my skills.  

I know I sound like a broken record, but thank you all for such great advice. I was thinking today that I knew the answers all along, it just seemed to be put into perspective by those who are completely unbiased and on the outside of my personal life. Life is a puzzle sometimes, and even though you have all the pieces in one place, you can't seem to pull yourself away enough to see the answer right in front of you. (That's deep, lol!)

Laughing willow, don't all newlyweds seem to end up in crazy situations, lol! We have made some bad decisions, but I'm glad we did it early on and while we are still young so we can learn from them. And YES, my hubby finally agreed to get his butt in gear and call up his uncle who has experience working on RVs. He apologized today saying that he had just gotten comfy living at my dads (me too, until my bro started monitoring me so much). It just seemed so rough to have to move for the 4th time since we got married, but we gotta do what we gotta do.

I've heard of Kratom, Kava, and I do have opportunities to try Salvia, so maybe one of these days I'll try some. I know that they will alleviate the symptoms, but I did want to clarify something I forgot to mention (oops!): in conjunction with MJ, I am exercising regularly, eating healthier, and I joined an online group that is made for women to help boost their esteem and fix the cause of the depression, not just the symptoms. It's a slow race, but I know I'm gonna win eventually.