Well this place looks kinda familiar...

[methos]

:| Do I know y'all? Have I been here before? This all seems too familiar to be deja vu.... I know I've been here before! I must have... the names! Cenacle... Cassie... Syd.. And so many others! (his lips move in silent utterance of the names as he types them... "You've spoke them before".. the motions tell him).. Aye! Aye! I HAVE been here! I remember now! But why? Why does it seem so long ago? As if in a dream or perhaps from another life these spectres of recollection taunt me... Have I been lost? Trying to find my way back? If so, for how long? It's all so blurry now (he says aloud to himself). The passage of time, or more so, the linearity of time in memory, has long since ebbed into shadows... there's no telling when the last time (if ever) I was here was... And those ephemeral moments of clarity benifit me not other than to serve as reminders of my own paramnesia... Nothing lasts forever. Everything falls apart. Thus is my apologue... :|

It's good to see y'all again, I've missed all of you tremendously, and thought about you often. I lost track of everyone when Spiritplants.com disappeared (it did disappear, right?). I probably could've found you sooner, but it's been so hard to stay focused or remember to find y'all.. The last few years have been a real challenge to say the least(for some reason I keep thinking 3 or so years, maybe 4. But people assure me its only been like 2. Shit, I can't distinguish in retrospect the difference between the passing of 2 weeks or 2 months, let alone years.) I'm honestly amazed by the fact I even lived through this last winter, though I feel like a lot of me has died the last few years (or perhaps just smothered, stifled into hibernation, but can still be revived, I pray). I've forgotten how to dream, and am fueled by an ever-growing contempt and disgust for what I see going on around me. I remember I used to rejoice in what I saw, a steady movement toward heaven that everything had, a conscious revolution (re-evolution). Things now seem to have regressed. As if the tidal wave had reached its apex and now is being sucked violently back out to sea. But it can't rain all the time. The soul (the flame still burns, just starved of air) would have no rainbows had the eyes no tears. All will be well again someday, of this I can assure you. My body may be poisoned, my soul/spirit suffocated, and my mind fragmented... but my heart remains unscathed and unbreakeble, forever hopeful and alive, for it beats in unison with the heartbeats of all mankind, even Gaia herself drums in perfect rhythm. And this will forever keep me going. Only after time spent in darkness can one truly appreciate the light.

sorry for the depressing prose.. I really need/ed to get that off my chest and I don't really have anyone to talk to around this rotten town. Anyhoo, how are y'all? Long time no see! What's new in the lives of my friends and family here at Spiritplants? Where's Eddy? And Pk? And all the others? Roll Call! Hehe...
                                                                  Love and Light,
                                                                     Dustin (methos)

[Syd]

Hey methos, I was just thinking of you the other day. I was like "where the fuck has methos been?". ...haha... Eddy disappeared in December 04 and spiritplants.com went down. Since then no word. Pkeffect is still around on MSN, but I'll bet a hundred bucks he wont come to these forums or irc for a long time, if ever. It's already been several months since I talked to him last. As for me well I'm going through a really tough time right now. My wife of 3 years left me. Not for another man or women but because of who I was/am. I am not a good person. I have not been for some time, if ever. We still love each other and that is why we are separated not divorced. *brb phone* Anyway, I'm going to get help for my anger and controlling issues. If not only to have my wife come home but for myself, I'm going to change. I'm an evil person and have so much hatered. I don't want to live like I have been anymore. I never beat my wife but verbal abuse can be just as bad or worse. She's happy right now so my immediate plan is to foster a friendship and keep her happy.

[methos]

I think it's just been a crazy time recently all around... It's good you're able to step back and get a view of the whole... You know the why's, the what's and the how's... So you can affect a change for the better.. And you see the small steps, so many people in similar situations want the quick fixes and don't see that they have to literally start from near-scratch.. I had a similar situation this winter. Though not near as much time had been spent together (3 years, man, impressive these days). Shit my longest relationship was almost 3 years... We were engaged, too. Bad breakup, sent me on a 2 or so year journey of self-destruction... I still haven't pulled out of this tailspin either. But you can see the steps, you'll do ok.

[Syd]

Yes, I see the steps and I am going to take them. Yet after everyday passes I feel it will not be with her. Now that I am talking to her she doesn't really seem to want me to. She is not opening up to me, which I had suppressed in her a long time ago. I'm an ass and I ruined it which today feels like forever but tomorrow I know the feeling will be some different feeling, as it has for over the last 2 weeks. I don't like waiting. I don't know how to approach her or talk to her the way I need to. She offers no help anymore. Maybe I'll just wait a few more days for her to contact me. Damn this sucks real bad.

So anyway, welcome back. Come to irc @ irc.bctel.org someday, I'm sure everyone there would be glad to see you!

[TroutMask]

Ahoy methos! Welcome Home.

-TM

[senorsalvia]

Good to see you are around again----   Grab a seat and spin us a yarn ------  senorsal

[dissident]

methos!

[cenacle]

syd/methos, it's really good to see both of you around again, and it may seem like dark days forever for you both, but it doesn't have to this way...

i've been there, fuck have i been there, and as i look back from better days and places, i see how much of it was my own doing, and how i scuttled into reclusiveness as time went on...and how when times slowly got better, it began with me, and it continued with the help of others...continues with the help of others to this day, this hour, and the next and the next...

and some days are better and some days are not...this spirited flesh we each inhabit does not forget...ever...but that's the good things too...and we have in each of our lives will to change, to find better days...our will is not all, but it is important, and it matters...it can do a lot, if we pursue its power...

take it one day at a time, or an hour at a time, or a minute at a time...one good step, another...sometimes shit hits or a bad hour happens...up again, one step, another...on and on...don't ever let the bastards out there or within still you for good...

much love, brothers

[space]

and how i scuttled into reclusiveness as time went on...and how when times slowly got better, it began with me, and it continued with the help of others...continues with the help of others to this day, this hour, and the next and the next...

Amen.  I call it my "wounded-animal-in-the-cave" syndrome; some might call it self-pity.  I have struggled with it many times.  It cuts you off from those most likely to help.  

Self-sufficiency is a delusion.  Isolation is a trap.  Reaching out is the great escape.