The Brady Bunch Revisited....

[laughingwillow]

Just to clarify......

When Marilyn told me that I didn't play the drums, I don't think she was trying to be mean. Rather, she reacted as she did because she didn't know that I play the drums. (I've been playing for 22 years.)  And apparently she subconsciously decided she would look better in the eyes of her new family by stating that her son doesn't play the drums, rather than admit that she didn't know it. Never mind our house is full of hand drums or the fact that she has visited us two or three times in the last 18 years. Marilyn is so wrapped up in her own psychodrama that she knows virtually nothing about my life. And I guess I can live with that. From a distance.

Unfortunately, when Marilyn informed me in front of her new family that I don't play the drums my first reaction was to feel real little, shitty and vindictive. I was afraid that if I didn't just shut my mouth, I'd later regret what came out of it. The last thing I wanted was to be seen as a barrier to Marilyn's romantic happiness/success. Lord knows she needs all the help in this area she can get. For some reason. when I'm with her and am offered a glimpse into her tortured little self-centered world I develop animosity real quick-like and feel the poison rise in my blood until I know its time for me to leave or risk making a scene.

And I'm pretty sure Marilyn feels the same way. We ALL see the separate and new personality she has cultivated since meeting her new husband six months ago. She's not the same person around them. My wife says she can even tell while talking to her by phone if she is alone of there are members of her new family lurking. Anyway, its obvious to me that she's doing her best to keep her shit together in front of her new family and realizes that I bring out the worse in her and vice versa. And that wouldn't look good, now would it.

As an aside, we were informed awhile back that our new step-father owns the largest house on lake Okoboji. They also own a house directly across the street the children occupy in the summer. It seems they want to have a big get together so we can all get to know each other better. Marilyn told mrs lw that the groom's children will stay in the house across the way, her daughters and grandchildren will stay in the big house with her and the new husband and mrs lw and I will be put up at a near by hotel.

It has made it a little easier to view my mother as a younger sibling. My grandma has filled the role of mother for me admirably. And without mrs lw, I'm not sure where I'd be today. While its better for me to see my mother as a younger sister, I'm still not mature enough to spend much time around her in that capacity. It still just stirs the past and hurts too much.  

Thanks for letting me get this off me chest.

lw

[Amomynous]

For some reason. when I'm with her and am offered a glimpse into her tortured little self-centered world I develop animosity real quick-like and feel the poison rise in my blood until I know its time for me to leave or risk making a scene.

For some reason? FOR SOME REASON??? What, you haven't been canonized a saint yet?

As an aside, we were informed awhile back that our new step-father owns the largest house on lake Okoboji. They also own a house directly across the street the children occupy in the summer. It seems they want to have a big get together so we can all get to know each other better. Marilyn told mrs lw that the groom's children will stay in the house across the way, her daughters and grandchildren will stay in the big house with her and the new husband and mrs lw and I will be put up at a near by hotel.

Not to be vindictive, but... bring your drums

You know, music is the language of love!

[laughingwillow]

amom: I just read your reply.

Thanks for the kind words and insight.

As far as Marilyn's ability to fool people.......

One night a few years back I got a call from my first stepfather. (The guy who raised me.) He said he wanted to apologize for the way he treated me as a kid. He then explained that for many years when he would call home from the road (He drove truck and was gone for 2 to 3 weeks at a time) marilyn would often complain about my behavior and that because of that he often was very strict with me from the moment he would arrive home after an extended absence. But when I left for college, Marilyn started doing the same thing to the oldest daughter. And at hat point he realized Marilyn was really the problem because she had never said one peep about her daughter's behavior when I was around to fill that role. (Incidentally, awhile after I left home the oldest daughter got so fed up by the new and offensive treatment by the hands of her mother that she confided in a friend that she wanted to stab Marilyn in the stomach with a knife.

lw

[laughingwillow]

btw amom: I'm afraid I have to disabuse you of the notion of me deserving sainthood. When I'm forced to interact with Marilyn, mrs lw is the one who bears the brunt of my sorrow and anger. ANd I don't like that one bit. She has been the saint in this situation, imo. Without her love and guidance, I'd surely be less of a man today.

lw

[Amomynous]

btw amom: I'm afraid I have to disabuse you of the notion of me deserving sainthood. When I'm forced to interact with Marilyn, mrs lw is the one who bears the brunt of my sorrow and anger. ANd I don't like that one bit. She has been the saint in this situation, imo. Without her love and guidance, I'd surely be less of a man today.

Well, not to state to obvious, but that's the way a family should be, and you probably at least deserve beatification for creating one of this nature, as opposed to re-creating the one in which you grew up.

[judih]

i hear you. i hear the seven billion triggers she engages. i can imagine mrs. lw's power in helping you descend that sharp peak of pain.

still, you get to be in a hotel! yay!
morning meditation, drum, sex, whatever you want.
and you can always 'forget' something in your room and take a break from the home scene to go get it.

If new papa is well-off, he might just build a geodesic dome for you and mrs. lw.

You're working it, LW. And it's bound to be an excellent chance to work your own cleansing psychodrama (here or privately)

[laughingwillow]

LOL Yea, that whole hotel scene is sure a bittersweet situation.

On the one hand, I'm not close enough to any of these folks (with the exception of one half-sister, her husband and three kids) to mind spending time in a hotel alone with my wife rather than in a house with the rest of the "family."

On the other hand, I'd sure like to be part of a family and to have other people want me to be a part of it.

However, due to the conservative nature of the step family, and the judgmental bent of my blood relatives, I'm guessing there are aspects of my life and spirituality which I find very important that would be repugnant to the rest of the crew. So that means hiding my little light under a bushel basket when they are present. And for that, a hotel is always best. But I don't want it to be that way; always a given that I'm content to be the odd man out...

We're hoping Marilyn gets so wrapped up in her new life that she leaves us alone. I don't want any of the guy's money. Hell, I wouldn't want them to pay for any hotel we stay in for that matter. We're adults and its possible that mrs wants/needs a little more shag carpet between her toes than what the step-family realizes or expects for themselves.

My hope is that Marilyn's new husband helps her grow and evolve as a person. The guy sure seems nice. The real question is wether Marilyn is willing/able to really open her heart to her new husband and allow love to work its magic. However, until that process is under way, I'd rather watch from afar. And if that means having the new step family think I'm cold and callous to my mother, I guess that's the price I'll pay for sleeping better at night. (I'm usually a wreck for a week or so before and after hanging out with Marilyn. The first week is filled with dread and the second usually loathing.)  

lw

[laughingwillow]

ps: Now that the foundation has been laid, I'd like to make a few observations concerning the title of this thread.

However, shoveling dirt on the steps will have to wait. A friend is coming by to take me to a Pakistani feast as we speak....

Thanks for everything, friends.

lw

[laughingwillow]

OK, so, the Brady bunch.......

We'd met three of the groom's adult children before the ceremony. I know there are more kids, but am not quite sure how many. One adult child, his wife and young daughter sat in front of us at the ceremony. As I'd heard that the only young child from the groom's side invited was a granddaughter. SO when I attempted to introduce my wife and self to the couple I was a little surprised when the mom grabbed the child and turned her as if shielding the girl from harm's way. I felt like I'd been branded a child molester or something and mrs lw later said she felt the same way. Needless to say, I left those folks alone for the rest of the celebration.

Later, my sister explained a few things to me. It seems like this daughter-in-law is having a tough time dealing with grandpa getting married so soon after grandma died. (6 months) It seems that any time the woman was in a room with my mother she would burst out crying and flee. Nobody was sure if they were going to attend the wedding or not. My sister once asked the new step-sister in question if she was close to her deceased mother-in-law and the answer was "No, not at all."

And yet this woman is crying any time she was forced to be in the same house with the future bride of the old man. From here, I smell greed caused by money, but what do I know. That's just a guess. The folks in question looked at me as if I had slapped them when I attempted to introduce myself.

If they only knew what we have in common. I also usually want to cry after spending time in the same room as Marilyn. But I hope this is something they never know.

lw

[judih]

interesting. i'd like to have an aerial view of that one.

[laughingwillow]

btw...... The process of putting this situation into words has really helped alleviate the pain.

Thanks to all who have voiced support.

lw

[judih]

so good to be here, listening.
when group support is good, it's good, alright

[laughingwillow]

THe more I think about it, the more I have to wonder if Marilyn and I failed to bond when I was an infant. MY first year was spent living at my grandparents and I was their first grandchild. I bonded with them. My relationship with Marilyn has been another story....  

lw

[senorsalvia]

Jeez,  I have not been around much of late, and just now had the opportunity to read this thread....  Makes me so hyper-aware of the relatively 'normal' loving upringing I recieved...  The fact that you have become the person you are, as well as the character of Mrs. Willow, as you relate it; is in a word, astonishing... I ache for all the psychodrama you've had to endure LW..  I doff my derby to 'ya bro... I don't know exactly why, but I do wish your Mum well also, although by her previous track record, that seems unlikely...  Hang tough bro, and it's good to know 'ya got that 'drum thing' in your soul...

[Syd]

Maybe Marilyn has the same troubles as you do, with her parents, for raising you instead of letting her do it, troubled as she is.