The Brady Bunch Revisited....

[laughingwillow]

So, my mother got married last weekend to a man who lost his first wife (after a protracted illness) last May.  She is in her late 60's and he's around 70. Theirs was a whirlwind courtship in a conservative county that still frowns on sexual relations outside the confines of marriage. Never mind the fact that Marilyn wasn't virginal for her first wedding, (I stand before you as proof in all of my bastardly glory) the happy couple decided to do it right in the eyes of the Lord for this, my mother's fourth holy union. And one of the groom's adult daughters apparently saw it as her duty to help enforce this geriatric morality/passion play by accompanying the betrothed couple on all trips up to the wedding day and sharing a room with my mother while her husband slept in another room with her father.  :cool2

cont.....

[Amomynous]

And one of the groom's adult daughters apparently saw it as her duty to help enforce this geriatric morality/passion play by accompanying the betrothed couple on all trips up to the wedding day and sharing a room with my mother while her husband slept in another room with her father.

Yipes.

You're the normal one in the family, aren't you?

[laughingwillow]

LOL Well, amom, that point (normality) is still up for debate, imo. However, the parties above would certainly beg to differ.

However, you do allude to an interesting facet of this narrative. The groom is extremely close to his children and grandchildren. The daughter mentioned above lives with her family in a separate house on the same property as her father. (And now my mother.)

On the other hand, my mother has almost no relationship with me and a tumultuous one at best with her daughters. (My two half-sisters.) Early on, I became real curious as to how our mother would explain away the bad relationships to her new family. Well, curious anyway as to the details of any explanation, not the gist. hehe

cont.

[cenacle]

hey LW--

Moved this one into the Long House...seems a better fit

Aside from that, what morality were these people working with? Really makes one wonder if people like this are just practice for fully conscious people. Like DNA doesn't get it right every time.

On the other hand, these are your loved ones, and have other virtues to them. We all have people close to us that sometimes seem more than a little sheeple-like.

Hope the old folks rock the van now that the nuptials are had

[judih]

of all the brady bunch possibilities in the world, i wouldn't have placed you in that role, LW. So, please, continue on with the narrative and help me visualize your up and coming family gatherings.

[laughingwillow]

No problem, cen. I did wish this to be part of the library rather than long house, but I guess its all the same in the end. I really just need a place to get this all down...

Now, where where we? Normalcy....

When I was real little it was normal for my mother to be psychologically abusive to me and therefore my half-sisters also grew up thinking that sort of behavior was a normal way to treat their older half-brother. Some of my earliest memories are rides my mom and her best friend would take me on in the friend's GTO when I was about four. They would often drive into the country and pretend to be lost until I'd start to cry.  Another of their favorite games to make me cry was to drive into the country at night and tell me we were running out of gas and would soon be walking home. I still remember these rides. Threats of being sent to an orphanage were also regular events at that age. On the other hand, I do realize my mother was pretty young at the time. ANd I'm guessing that every time she looked at me she saw my father; the guy who knocked her up soon after she'd graduated from high school. The same guy who pocketed my mother's wedding band as well as my grandpa's watch before hightailing it out of town soon after that, her first wedding day....

cont.

lw

[cenacle]

Isn't it funny how the gods of one's childhood get old and feeble in later years? Yet we remember all this, all you're talking about...the abuses and cruelties of decades past...the kindnesses too...

Don't know if I believe in karma, but I do think that in the human world what goes around comes around, more often than not...

[laughingwillow]

Anyway, I grew up with a loving grandmother and grandfather who treated me like their youngest child. So my mother's behavior didn't prolly have the effect it could of had under different circumstances. Suffice it to say that my relationship with my mother has never been "real" good but I didn't really see myself as lacking anything as a child. At least at the time.....

The day I met my wife was the day I felt the old shackles fall away. Hanging out with her family opened my eyes to how family members interact and accept one another. I had become so used to scorn and criticism that watching a mother show love to her children blew me away at times.

We started splitting holiday time between her family in the city and mine four hours out on the rural prairie. But that came to an end the year my mom called us to let us know she had set up a blind date for christmas eve and instructed us not to rush to her place. We arrived on christmas eve at about 11:45 pm after driving through wintery conditions for well over four hours. We walked up to her door and knocked. Pretty soon the door opened a crack. "You're early," my mom whispered. "My date isn't over yet."

"So, what..... You want us to leave?" I asked incredulously.

"Oh will you? Thanks!" she offered before quickly closing the door and getting back to what ever activity was making that first date more appealing than spending time with the child she saw a few times a year at most.

So my wife and I rode around town looking at all the the pretty christmas lights reflecting off the snow. I remember really being hurt at my mom's desire to spend that holiday time with a strange man. A guy my mother dated for a few weeks and then dumped for not being her type......

cont..

lw

[laughingwillow]

anyway, I spent many years attempting to have a "normal" relationship with my mother. My wife helped a lot. I remember one visit she made in particular. She actually spent time with me and my wife instead of just the daughters with grandchildren. It really seemed like she had fun with us. And then a while later we found out that she was visiting Des Moines fairly regularly and not even calling us when she was in town.

The bottom line is that I have pretty much stopped making efforts to spend time with my mother in the last decade. I just feel better that way. So when my mother called a couple of months back informing us of her impending nuptials I was happy for her but didn't have much of a desire to participate in the process. Especially after watching her marry and then promptly chew up and spit out her last husband (#3) back in 1990. I really liked her last husband. Sure, getting to know all of our new family on his side wasn't easy, but it was nice those months it lasted.  :cool2

Which brings us to the present, gentle reader. My mother just married one hell of a nice guy. And for all intents and purposes, she has certainly managed to show her new beau (and his family) her best side. As a matter of fact, they all seem to love Marilyn. And during a discussion by telephone a few daze ago my youngest half-sister learned from one of our new step sisters that holidays would be different for our mother now that she has a family who WANTS to spend time with her on these most special of occasions.

And this is where it gets sticky for me. I wish my mother all the happiness in the world. And the last thing I want to do is sabotage her relationship with her "new" family.  So I'm trying to get used to being the insensitive prick who doesn't have enough compassion or sense to spend time with his lonely mother on the holidays.  So I wish her all the happiness in the world. At least as much as I can from this spot, here, under the bus where I feel I've been thrown. And if it makes my mother happy, I hope the discrepancy between my normal and hers/theirs is never discovered by her new family. But I'd just as soon watch it all unfold with a telescope rather than a microscope, if'n you get my drift.

lw

[cenacle]

It's hard to find that right distance in such a situation. Really hard. All sorts of pulling, pushing emotions. No right answers but I agree with you, better ones than worse. A brave series of posts, brother LW. Thank you

[laughingwillow]

Thanks, cen.

As for up and coming gatherings, sistah judih, I'm really not sure.

While I can only imagine the things Marilyn has told her new family in order to make herself look saintly in the eyes of her new family, mrs lw and I both agree that being gracious and kind around them is the only way to go.

On the other hand, I had all but severed ties with my mother before she met and married her current husband. And nothing that transpired in the last six months has changed a life time of hurt. Interestingly, all three of her kids have noticed that she acts way different when she's with her members of her new family than she does when she's alone with us. Its like she is putting on airs, but her new family doesn't know her well enough to realize it. Yet. And I hope they never do. With any luck, Marilyn will take this opportunity to reinvent herself and create good relationships with her new stepchildren/grandchildren. Her new husband is one heck of a nice guy and is loaded to boot. As the owner of a large company, I'm sure he has managed people as complicated as Marilyn. Maybe he can help her grow. However, as it stands, I view Marilyn as more of a sibling than parent. And lately a younger sibling at that.  

We had a joint family meal to celebrate the engagement earlier in the fall. Everything went ok and Marilyn did her best to play nice but just came off like a commercial for an artificial sweetener.  That is, until my new stepsister asked me what I'd been doing for fun lately.

The question did perk me up. "I've actually been playing drums with a friend of ours at some gigs he'd set up," I told her.

From my left I heard a scoff and then Marilyn joined the conversation. "You don't play the drums," she hissed.

About then I broke eye contact with my new stepsister and looked at my napkin before confirming that I must not play the drums, half to myself, half to my new family member......

Why rock a boat I don't want to be on anyway?

lw

[VajraPirate]

Yeah, I was pretty surprised when you said in the global warming thread you had gone to the wedding, but I didn't feel it my place to mention anything less than congratulatory.

My mother made a lot of mistakes with her first born (myself) and continues to do so to this day, but she also does a lot to help my family as well... at least I have some positive to balance out the negative in my situation, though. In her case, at least she tries...

[judih]

you go ahead and play those drums. Play them with confidence and love. When you talk to those step-siblings, play your drums, play your full self. Your mother (marilyn is my mother's name, but you knew that, of course) will have to swallow you just as she's attempting to taste a new self of her own.


Don't feed her delusions, LW. Be you. Fill up your essence otherwise you'll never have a true piece in the new puzzle. And while you're being you, you will make connections. While you're playing your mother's version of yourself, you're just a shadow self. who needs it?

It's a new cardgame. We've got your back.
If she's falling into traps of her own making - let her new husband help her deal. Better now than after years of building her house of cards.

love to you and L,

judih

[laughingwillow]

Thank you, friends. It means a lot to me to get this kind of understanding and feedback. (Judih: Your post is making me cry.)

lw

[Amomynous]

Interestingly, all three of her kids have noticed that she acts way different when she's with her members of her new family than she does when she's alone with us. Its like she is putting on airs, but her new family doesn't know her well enough to realize it. Yet. And I hope they never do.

Not to be cynical, but they will. I don't see how it could be otherwise, unless your mom is a gifted sociopath (and while I must admit I don't like her much based upon your description, she doesn't seem to be at that level).

I think you're right in being something of a fall guy (which reason of course--only as far as your dignity as a human allows). Nothing will come from confrontation, but it you allow things to unfold on their own accord, there is a possibility that things will at least progress.

When I'm in a similar situation, I placate myself with the belief (or the pretended belief) that "(s)he's doing the best (s)he can, given her situation and history (even if "best" is kind-of crappy)."