Another one from my Mom.....

[JRL]

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was
involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting
outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into
Heaven.  While waiting, they began to wonder:could they possibly get
married in Heaven???  When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they
could get married in heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is
the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out" and he left. The
couple sat and waited for an answer.... For a couple of months while
they waited. They discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed
to get married in Heaven should they get married what with the
eternal aspect of it all?  What if it doesn't work?  Are we stuck in
Heaven together forever?  Another month passed. St. Peter finally
returned, looking somewhat bedraggled."Yes," he informed the couple,
"You can get married in Heaven."  "Great!" said the couple. "But we
were just wondering: what if things don't work out? Could we also get
a divorce in Heaven?"  St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his
clipboard on the ground..."What's wrong?" asked the frightened
couple."OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to
find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to
find a lawyer???"

[dendro]

har  har  and har  

[boomer2]

A good divorce is better than a good marriage,

It last longer.

And  here is one my mama told me 50 years ago.

Three men died and went to heaven.
When they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter stopped them and said,
"Due to over population, I can only let one of you in. Whoever can tell me the best story of his death can enter Heaven."

The first guy began his story: "I lived on the 25th floor of a high rise apartment building. Every day when I went to work, my nosy neighbor called me and said that there was a stranger in my house and that he could hear wild, passionate loving making noises. I finally got fed up with it and decided to go home at lunchtime and check things out. When I got home my wife was sitting on the couch naked. I got extremely upset. I went through the house searching everywhere. Under the table, in the closet, even under the bed. I couldn't find anyone. Then I heard a noise and looked outside on the balcony and saw two hands hanging onto the ledge. I ran outside looked down at him and noticed that he wasn't wearing any pants. I took off my shoe and started beating his hands. He fell 25 stories and landed on the canvas in front of the building. He wasn't dead. So I rolled the refrigerator out and pushed it on top of him. When I did, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second man's story: "I am a window washer at a high rise apartment building. I was washing windows on the 27th floor one day when my scaffold broke. My pants got caught on the scaffold and ripped off. I managed to stay alive by grabbing a ledge of a balcony as I fell a couple floors down. I was okay until this guy suddenly started beating my hands with his shoes. I fell and landed on the canvas in front of the building. I was still alive. Then the next thing I know, a refrigerator landed on me and I died."

The third story: "Well, I was in this refrigerator minding my own business....

boomer

[JRL]

Now THAT's funny!

[laughingwillow]

LOL

This one's from my grandma.....

An old lady and her grandson were waiting in line at a bank when a stick-up crew burst in, the ring leader shouting, "Everyone on the floor!"

"Grandma, too?" the little boy asked.

"You betcha, sonny, grandma, too." The robber said. "And I want everyone to remove their jewelry and put it in this here sack!"

"Grandma, too?" the boy questioned.

The thief shot back, "You betcha, sonny. Grandma, too." And I want all the women to take off your clothes, because we're gonna rape you before we leave!"

The boy's eyes got wide. "Grandma, too?" he asked.

Before the gunman could reply, grandma stopped peeling off her clothes just long enough to look over at her grandson and said, "You betcha sonny..."

lw

[JRL]

If there is one thing I like more than a Pearly Gates joke it's a musician joke and this is both. I imagine the musicians out there will appreciate it the most but you can get it.

Three guys are in line at the famous gates. Saint Peter asks the first, "What did you do for a living?" I was a doctor. "Ok, go on in.
He asks the next guy "What did you do for a living?" I was a firefighter.
"Oh you are in for sure. Go right through the gate"
Third guy: I was a musican. "Ok, go around back, over the loading dock, up the freight elevator and through the kitchen"


Another one: Three guys are lined up in front of St Peter. he asks the first: How much money did you make the year that you died?  "I made $250,000."  What did you do for a living? "I was a doctor"  Ok go on in.
To the next guy same questions. "I made $50,000"  What did you do? "I was a teacher"  Ok you can go in. To the third guy: How much money did you make the year before you died? " I made $10,000"
St Peter then asks: What instrument do you play?

[JRL]

Then there are light bulb jokes:

How many psychatrists does it take to chamge a light bulb?
One, but the light bulb really has to want to change.

How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
None, the keyboard player does it with his left hand.

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they got machines to do that now.

How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Californians don't screw in light bulbs they screw in hot tubs.

[JRL]

There were these two good old boys, bluegrass pickers both. And they were good guys, went to church ect.

They were talking and one said "I wonder what heaven is like?"
His friend said "I don't know, but whoever goes first should come back and tell the other what it is like".

Sure enough one of em dies and goes to heaven. After being there for the required 2 weeks he gets a day pass and goes to see his friend.

He said "I got good news and bad news."

 His friend says "Give me the good news first."

"Well heaven was made for musicians. I spend my days jamming with Bill Monroe, Merle Travis, Hank Williams, that Garcia fellow. Then every night there is a huge concert at the most amazing amphitheater you have ever seen"

His friend says "well that sounds good, what could be bad about that"

"Well, you're the headliner for tomorrow's show"