Separation

[Syd]

My wife left and I will do anything and everything in my power to get her to come home.

[dissident]

I'm sorry to hear that syd.
Hope everything works out.

[laughingwillow]

Hey, sid.

It sounds like you have a desire to change some things about yourself. Congrats on that, bro. A lot of folks never get to the point of admitting to, let alone dealing with personal issues on an objective level.

I wish you continued clarity in this opportunity to grow.

lw

[Syd]

Yes laughingwillow, I have many issues that need to be worked out. Most I have known about since, well forever. I just never cared, always turned away from them, ya know. Some of those evil traits I have, just recently have been made aware to me of how deeply entwined into myself they are.

To some extent I've known what I've been doing to my wife and I don't blame her for needing to leave. To another extent I've been ignorant and taking for granted what I had. And now I realize what I've done. Yes it's too late in that she moved out of our house but we are still married and that is a sign to me that there is hope.

I've already taken some initial steps up the ladder of life, the one I so trajectly plummetted off of one and a half weeks ago. I've also spoken to my wife, yes she is still my wife, about the situation. I've hurt her so much that I feel I have to at least start climbing back up by myself. As long as one of two things happens when I get back on the ladder I'll be happy.

One, I know myself better and become a better person. Two, my wife is there waiting to take my hand and continue our climb up the ladder of life.

There have been so many caring and kind people in chat that have helped me this far. They don't know me, the true me, yet they care and are kind. I've rarly cared and have been kind even less. I thank them all.

On a good note, she did offer to come over once a week to visit the dogs. While I'm here! I asked her if it could be for us as well and she said she can't do that yet. Those will be my chances to show her I am doing what I need to do to be a better person and what I am doing for us.

I don't expect our lives to be the same ever again. If they were to be the same I would be ruining this chance if she so chooses to give it to me. Yes that's right. She did not agree or disagree with giving me another chance. All she said was she needs more time.

Yes our case is extreme, arn't all, but why would anyone get married if there were no allowed mistakes. Marriage is a learning and growing process. I just hope she feels the same as I. There is still love there, I just have to shovel all this shit I put on it off.

[typonaut]

Best wishes for growing and mending.

[Syd]

The ball is in her court. I have a doctors appointment next Friday. She knows about it and about how I feel. I will give her until Friday night to call me and ask how I am. Hell, I'll even go for how the appointment was. Come Saturday I will not subject myself to the prolonged agony of trying to mend what can not be mended.

[judih]

mending gets done for oneself

heal thyself -that's the basic themesong for all us human lab-cases
you have an opportunity now to face the facts of your predicament
let the doc help you stay strong
and as you see, there's a fine community here listenin

judih

[JRL]

Wise words, Sister Judih. When I was in a similar predicament, things got better when I realized I had to work it out for me, not for her.

With the help of gentle hippy woman therapist I began to see all the bullshit I didn't need: fears, anger, self hatred, and my oh so signifigant other.

I began to see that I deserved all the best that life has to offer and that I had the resources to deal with what I had to.

Seeing is one thing, still had to and have to work at it all the time. The patterns of thought that led me to such a bad place were deep seated, ideas about myself I got in early childhood. We humans are good at self deception, there are a million ways to avoid the issue.

It has taken a long time, Syd, but my life now is real and rich with love of family, friends and work.

My dear late Uncle said "If you keep working at it it will work out"

And don't forget, you got your spirit family here

[Syd]

On Friday I relapsed and called her. The person who I was never there for, I expected her to still be there for me. She answered but wasn't really there. We haven't talked since and to an extent I'm still holding strong.

I've decided to give her what she needs/wants, to be let go.

Is she just trying to show me she is a better person than I am by not showing her emotion? I would say so, I would also say she is much better of a person at this time. I've dealt with the fact that I am at fault. I am now dealing with my lose.

Just because I've dealt with or am dealing with this, it still hurts. As I know most of you are aware.

She also says she is happy, which she hasn't been in awhile. Sometimes that is no help it just hurts more but most of the time that makes me feel better.

[laughingwillow]

Sorry, Syd. I know this can't be easy for you.

quote Syd: I've decided to give her what she needs/wants, to be let go.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but maybe you should reconsider the concept above. Her freedom wasn't really yours to grant or deny, imo.

However, it IS possible to let go without giving up hope.

Sending flowers might be a nice gesture. Especially if sent without the expectation of a follow-up communication from her.

Thanks for keeping us posted, bro. I've been thinking of you.

lw

[Syd]

Yes, what I meant by "I've decided to give her what she needs/wants, to be let go. " was to finish all the financial stuff up. Get our bills in order and decide which car goes with whom, ect ect. That statement did sound controlling didn't it. HA! That's the main reason she left. I did not mean she isn't free to do as she wishes just that there are issues that have to be addressed so that if I do something for her, nothing is expected in return.

No you didn't sound harsh, you were just stating facts.

[laughingwillow]

LOL I figured I was reading that one wrong. Thanks for the clarification, bro.

lw

[senorsalvia]

Jeez Syd..  My heartfelt sympathy in your plight ..  (not being one that goes to chat, this is the first I have heard)   I'd imagine that there are many of us here that have had to face what you are living right now...  Hell, I must be a retard, as I have had the same thing happen a few times in my life......  I realize it's a paltry thing but you have my truly deep sympathy and cyber-support.......  Things do get better brother...  senorsal

[Syd]

im contimplating asking for medicine when i go see the doctor tomorrow because this is not working i cant believe shes gone maybe i should ask him for medical marijuana

[judih]

patience doesn't come easy
jumping into medication will do nothing but delay the process. It takes time to separate 2 souls. At first there are no lungs and then they begin to develop.

It hurts, but it's part of being re-born.
Hang on. Take it slowly. Be kind to yourself.

It took me 3 years to separate my mind from the relationship after we split. It might take you more or less. Give yourself the opportunity to separate.  Be gentle. Medication will dull the senses, but you need your senses now to work out your new path.

And it all takes a lot of time - nothing happens too slowly. It takes as long as it takes for a reason.