Spirit Plants - Discussion of sacred plants and other entheogens

In a Languorous daze
I began to languidly gaze
Upon her divine pulchritude.

languor
the clouds
slow journey

Great stuff.

Thank you for sharing. I truly enjoyed your poem, and I fully encourage yourself and others to continue to share any poetry, prose, creative writing or other linguistic works of art.

As I rule I generally never explain my poetry, writing, or artwork. I feel that when others are able to find their own meaning in art, when that art can have a deep personal connection and meaning to the individual, one that transcends its source and creator, that it almost makes no difference what I felt when I was creating it.

However, since the poem from my initial post was an experiment, and because I wrote it while creating this thread, I figured a little elaboration and explanation couldn't hurt.

In the poem from my initial post, which I haven't titled yet, I feel I was able to describe my emotions and mood vividly, you get the idea of someone who is tired, burned out, and lethargic, almost listless and apathetic, someone who isn't expecting anything out of the ordinary, when, he turns his gaze onto one of the most breathtaking women that he has even seen, and in that moment the mood of the poem shifts from slow and dull to one of excitement accompanied by angelic beauty and awe...

I've always been amazed how such complex emotions can often be expressed in so few words.

Immobilized by her presence,
my corouage evanescent,
as I contemplate an introduction.

She sits back unimpressed and silent,
and Im going mad because I can't,
summon the confidence to utter a single word.


...

The above was some other experimental poetry that I started this morning, but ultimately I hit a block just after beginning to write, it became more about finding rhymeschemes, rhythms, and looking for the proper phonetic combinations, and less about expressing my emotions, feelings and thoughts, so I stopped.

I would rather have an imperfect poem that perfectly conveys my emotions and thoughts than have a flawless poem that has no deep personal meaning or feeling.

Often times, it's difficult for me to process my emotions, and often times by creating a work of art or writing it allows me to work through and process what I'm feeling in a productive way.

Poetry is still somewhat new for me. My usual style would be to write, and not necessarily in a conventional sense, there's a lot of "breaking the fourth wall", brining my fictional characters into the real world to interact...

...There's also a good deal of tearing my writing directly from reality, but it becomes overly combined with various amounts of philosophy, spirituality, opinion and imagination, to the point where it's almost a type of fiction.

Any way, I think I have written enough about my writing for the entire thread, from here on out I will just be posting my poetry , stories, prose, or linguistic art without elaboration.

I highly encourage others to share! Please feel free to post whatever poetry, writing, or linguistic art you are comfortable sharing.

thanks for sharing your work and your process.


Writing is a lifetime workshop. Writing and writing some more. Eventually the synapses understand I'm serious, the habit becomes ingrained and it's another day, another round at writing.


looking forward to reading your work

Again, thank you for responding, your input is very much appreciated.

I started a few more works today, but nothing that I'm willing to share yet.

Recently I have been struggling emotionally with a romantic interest of mine, those two poems were about her. I have been completely enamored with her since the first time I saw her, yet, unfortunately I have not been able to find the confidence to introduce myself.

I have really been trying to suppress my attraction for her, but it's somewhat difficult when I see her almost on a daily basis, and when I see her she is always sitting within a few feet of me. You have no idea how frustrating it is to have the most gorgeous girl you have ever seen be just feet away from you, and still having it feel as if she was light-year's away.

... while this is supposed to be a thread focused on artistic writing, its incredibly helpful for me to write out my feelings as I am doing now, so I'm sure occasionally you will find a post like this, or other times it might be in a narrative form or written like a short story. I wouldn't blame anybody for ignoring these posts, they really are more for me to process my emotions...

This girl truly is special, and it's not just that she is indescribably gorgeous, but she also has a beauty and warmth to her that goes far beyond her external pulchritude, you can tell that she has a compassionate and loving heart and soul, she has an inner beauty and warmth that's far from common, and no matter how much I try I can't relinquish my feelings of love and attraction for her.

Its rare to ever encounter someone so amazingly superlative with such inimitable beauty, class, and charm.

It really is disheartening knowing that she will likely always be out of my reach.

All I really want is a chance to make her happy, and if she would be happy without me than I can fully respect and accept that, but if there's any chance that I could bring some happiness and love into her life I just hope that she would be willing to give it to me. I really would do anything for her.

Ok, I'm sorry for the nonsense post about my girl problems, I actually have some other poetry and creative writing that I plan on posting within the next few days, and I promise that its far better than me writing about a girl ill never have.

suggestion: write her a message. Write the words you'd like to say to her. Write it and imagine saying it to her.
step by step.

...that's actually a really good idea. Believe it or not it's a notion which I had not yet considered.

However, I can't just come out spouting a bunch of hyperbolic romantic sentiments, I mean, it can't be a good idea to just tell someone "I fell in love with you the first time I saw you", can it?

...I want her to know that I am attracted to her, and that I think she is the most astonishingly gorgeous girl that I have ever seen and that she has a beautiful heart and soul, and that I would do absolutely anything for her, and that if she gave me a chance I would do  anything and everything I could to love her, and support her, to care for her, to protect her, and to keep her happy. ...but I can't just outright say these things, can I?

Would it be strange to hand her a note that said "I really like you, but I am very shy, don't be afraid to say hello", or something to that effect? Like as I am leaving I would hand her the note and hopefully the next day she would talk to me...

Or what if I brought one of my female friends with me to help me start a conversation?

I don't know...

I have never had this problem before. Seriously, normally I can interact with the most beautiful girls with total ease. I'm still not sure how to deal with it. ...it furthers my feelings that this girl is special though.

...Somehow I think this girl knows that I like her. There are even times where she will sit right next to me and will appear to be waiting for me to say something to her, even expressing mild frustration at my inability to just get over myself and talk to her.

I'm a really shy person, and I know that if she would just talk to me first that I would do just fine, but it's been a few years of seeing her almost everyday, and she has made it pretty clear that I am going to have to be the one to initiate the initial conversation, I mean, she seems like she gets frustrated that I just sit there without saying anything.

I get the feeling that she is fully aware of me, and that she has been waiting for me to do something, however, I still can't figure her out, I can't tell how she feels about me. Judging by body language and vibes I would say there is some type of tension there that would disappear once we start talking, and sometimes I even feel like she is attracted to me. ...but I'm an idiot when it comes to guessing how girls feel about me.

...you figure if she didn't like me at all that she wouldn't have any issues talking to me, but who knows, girls never make it easy to pinpoint how they feel about you.

Back on track, I have some really good poems and writing that I am putting the finishing touches on that I will post here as soon as I can.

Below is an excerpt from a letter that I wrote to a friend this morning, it involves my views on others seeing me as a "holy man", its far from being artistic, but its the only writing that I have that is complete and ready to share at this exact moment...

I guess writing about love, and romantic interests can be considered creative writing, I definitely see the girl that I am attracted to as a muse, and since I can never find enough nice things to say about her I have to get creative with my linguistics from time to time. Writing about her definitely helps me process my feelings. Writing in general helps me process my feelings, even when its nonsense posts like this one...

Any way, below is an excerpt from a letter to a friend where I was discussing how some view me as a "holy man", and how I would always dismiss these assertions until I realized what a true holy person actually is. When Mike Randall was talking about John Griggs as a holy man it all started to make sense.

a good holy person is going to have some flaws, and they might not be entirely easy to deal with, and they are going to have some imperfections, but at the core of their being, in the deepest reaches of their hearts and souls, there is a loving warmth and light that truly is holy. They also have a unique way of viewing and processing that world that makes then truly invaluable as holy beings. The downside is there is a good deal of being misunderstood, alienated, and targeted that comes with it, you will also feel things very deeply, your empathy, your compassion, transcends you as an individual, and has a dramatic effect on the way you relate to the world and others.

In Japanese culture there is a concept known as "wabi-sabi", which to me has always had a definition similar to "perfectly flawed", In traditional Japanese aesthetics, wabi-sabi is a world view centered on the acceptance of transience and imperfection. The aesthetic is sometimes described as one of beauty that is "imperfect, impermanent, and incomplete" -Wikipedia . For example, I bought a glass cannabis pipe, and the glass was blown was several imperfections, though over time it was those imperfections that made the pipe unique, and that ultimately made me love it even more. ...I guess that is a bad example, but I see holy people as possessing this concept of "wabi-sabi"

...over Halloween at a party there was one girl who was deep into a psychedelic trip and having an incredibly hard time, she was crying and obviously in a pretty scary place. I walked over to her and reached out my hand, and as soon as she took my hand her demeanor turned on a dime, she became calm, happy, and ecstatic. Talking to her the next morning she told me that she had never been in such a terrible place, but then when she saw me her nightmare slowly began to recede, and she said when she grabbed my hand that she was overcome with an intense wave of calming love and warmth, she said she felt that "everything was ok" just from taking my hand. She was nearly in tears when telling me this story, and concluded by wrapping her arms around me exclaiming "thank you, thank you so much"


...all and all, if you can take anything from what has been said here it should be that if you care for someone, if you love someone, or if you are attracted to someone, that you should find a say to let go of what's holding you back and should tell that person! Worst case scenario you suffer a rejection, and trust me, if I had a chance to give this girl love and happiness, and let fear of rejection stop me, I would never forgive myself.

you know yourself. you know your imperfections, your inner goodness. Be gentle with yourself, treat yourself kindly - just like you treated that person on Hallowe'en night.
Reach out your warm heart to yourself.
a note to her could read: "i don't know why i'm so shy around you, but i'd love to be able to speak to you. Please accept this as an invitation to help me out."

Great response and advice.

I was honestly thinking that the whole note thing might be a little weird, I mean, I don't want to creep her out or anything, but damn, I wish I could get over myself and just say hello to her.

I think I'm afraid because I know she is too good for me. I come from a pretty wild background and have done things and been through things that most people would never believe. Plus, most people look at me and assume that I am a "hippie", and I really don't think that hippie guys would appeal to this girl, even though technically I'm not a hippie, I just love the dead.

I actually have a good deal of respect and admiration for this girl, she is up early in the morning ready to work, rain, shine, or snow, every single day and you can tell by the orange vest that she is doing real work.

Plus, she has a good head on her shoulders, I have overheard her talking with others a good deal, and she is smart, emotionally stable, and seems to be the exact opposite of the ditzy girls that can't tell the difference between "sexy" and "slutty" and are lacking in gray matter between the ears. This girl seems smart, responsible, and obviously has self-respect.

...so, not only is she beautiful, but I also have a good deal of respect and admiration for her.

...which again, leads to my issue of thinking that someone like her would never have any interest in someone like me.

...even if I could have her as a friend I would be happy.

I'm thinking that maybe having one of my female friends with me might help, I mean, she could initiate a conversation with her and then bring me into it, thus avoiding the issue of me having to just walk up, tap her on the shoulder so she looks up from her phone, and then attempting to sputter out an introduction.

I mean, it's not like we are total strangers, she has seen me most days of the week for quite sometime now, and she has overheard me talking with people, though one day I was coming off of MDMA and LSD and the bus driver kept roping me into conversation, I was totally brain-fried and nervous as hell because I knew she could hear me, and I'm pretty sure I made an ass of myself. ...and I have also heard her talking to others, so while we don't know each other and have never spoken to one another, we know each other better than just a random person off the street.

Honestly, I'm getting the feeling that I am going to be doomed when it comes to finding love. I'm not attracted to "party girls", or girls that use hard drugs, and I'm not attracted to girls who are emotionally unstable or too wild.

...I just want a nice girl with a good heart and a good head on her shoulders who isn't a hard drug user and who has high intelligence, high self-esteem and self-respect, who is responsible, compassionate, understanding, and who I can be myself around. That really doesn't seem like so much to ask to me.

I've looked for other girls, but I honestly just want a chance with this girl. If she rejects me or if she gives me a chance and it doesn't work out I would be fully happy moving on and looking elsewhere for love, but I at least want to try with this girl before I start looking for another.

I appreciate your responses, I'm sure that my complaining about my girl problems isn't very entertaining, and I'm sure it's not very creative, but I suppose it still counts as writing. Your responses have actually been pretty helpful.

With a mind wide open, and eyes sealed shut,
Blindly I see,
The errors and roads,
Inside it grows,
So closely out of reach.

You struggle and fight against rising tides,
Like you're drowning in a sea,
Of a world corrupt, with a questioning trust,
You swim defiantly.

incomplete poem number one:
You can be Free of sin and still be crucified,
You can be thrown into prison for experiencing such lucid highs,
you can be full of love staring into a dragons eyes,
you can be with ones you trust and still be victimized,
Or you can be with God above viewing eternity with an angels eyes.

 

untitled poem number two
Come take a drink from my cup,
taste the decoction I brewed up,
Theres no wickedness in my witches brew,
and there's a seat here by the fire which has been saved just for you.

Its Golden copulations, divine manifestations of vivid sublime hallucinations, coupled with intense sensuous physical sensations.
Its life, death, and all that lays in between,
Its freeing your consciousness from the constraints of the physical machine.

So, come sit by the fire, come and have a drink with me, because tonight the Gods conspire to give you eyes which can truly see.
So come and sit by the fire and drink my witches brew, come sit by the fire, come and learn the truth.



....

I wrote these two poems off the top of my head, and specifically for this thread, I can't say that I was necessarily inspired, and I surly won't try to claim that the scraps of language above can even compare to my most mediocre works, but I was having some fun, just letting go and writing, not worrying about iambic pentameter, rhythm, rhyme structure, and so on. This was purely for fun, and Cleary imperfect.

I kind of like them though, they display "wabi-sabi"

This next piece is an excerpt from "Sailing to Byzantium" by
W. B. Yeats, it's the last two of the four stanzas that compose the work. These two stanzas have particular significance and meaning to me, and it only seemed fitting to share them.

Sailing to Byzantium; W. B. Yeats; excerpt of the last two stanzas of the poem
O sages standing in God's holy fire
As in the gold mosaic of a wall,
Come from the holy fire, perne in a gyre,
And be the singing-masters of my soul.
Consume my heart away; sick with desire
And fastened to a dying animal
It knows not what it is; and gather me
Into the artifice of eternity.

Once out of nature I shall never take
My bodily form from any natural thing,
But such a form as Grecian goldsmiths make
Of hammered gold and gold enamelling
To keep a drowsy Emperor awake;
Or set upon a golden bough to sing
To lords and ladies of Byzantium
Of what is past, or passing, or to come.

A little rhyme that has always stuck with me.

the demons are of many kinds: "Some are made of ions, some of mind; the ones of ketamine, you'll find, stutter often and are blind." -terence McKenna

lots of great stuff.
your untitled-s are lovely.
mcKenna - succinct and fine
Yeats- divine

It's great to see someone who appreciates good poetry.

I know good poetry well enough to know that I'm not very good at it yet, my poems are mere nursery rhymes in comparison to W. B. Yeats or William Blake, but I guess we all must start somewhere, right?

I actually have some really good writing and poetry, however, I am very hesitant to share my best works in a venue where just about anybody could claim them as their own. Don't get me wrong, I would be flattered if someone claimed my poetry as their own, it's just some of my better works are deeply personal and have deep meaning and personal significance to me, those works are severed pieces of my soul, and as a result I'm very protective over them. Also, I am very shy, I don't even tell anyone that I read or write poetry.

The incomplete poems I wrote here, not necessarily for the thread, but I pulled up the thread and just started typing, and the end result was what you see here. Really not great, but not the most horrible poetry, I think I'm slowly getting better. ...I think my poems are all emotion and no technique, and that if I sharpen my skills and techniques I might have the potential to be a decent poet.

Any way, I'm glad you are reading the poems here.

When I was a kid I would read terence McKenna, and I always loved the way he was able to interpret that Yeats poem as speaking about "turning yourself inside out" where the soul would become exteriorized as the UFO, or a flying golden disc made of Grecian gold and gold enameling...


...That the soul must be made manifest and eternal and the body must be incorporealized so that it is a freely commanded object in the imagination.
What I mean by that is something like what William Butler Yeats is getting at in his poem, Sailing to Byzantium.  Where he speaks of the artifice of eternity and talks about how beyond death, he would hope to be an enameled golden bird singing sweet songs to the lords and ladies of Byzantium.  In other words, it's the image of the human body become an indestructible cybernetic object and yet within that indestructible cybernetic object, there is a holographic transform of the body and it is released into the dream.  In other words, the after death state is actually the compass of human history that we are attempting to undergo a complete death of the species.  As we struggle with this concrescence of Thanatos, there are problems like nuclear stockpiles and all these things arise, because the message we're trying to read is the message that we most fear to hear, which is that you must die to experience eternal life essentially.  But what this death that we're talking about is, is an understanding that the human dasein, the being of human beings desires to be released into the imagination and until we confront death with the attitude that it is the after death state that needs to enter history, there will be a great deal of anxiety.

It's like a birth.  A birth is a death.  Everything you treasure, believe in, love and relate to is destroyed for you when you leave the room and you are launched into another modality.  A modality that you would not perhaps have chosen but that you cannot do anything about.  So I think these drugs anticipate this because I think time is a moving image of eternity, as Plato said, and these drugs place you outside of time.  Now the mechanism of how that's done, you can invoke Bell's theorem, or just call it pure magic, but it does happen in the here and now.  It is accessible and it is not something remote from us.  But somehow the clamor of the modern world and in search for answers, people have feared to place themselves on the line and to actually wrestle with life and death 'out there' in those strange bardo like dimensions - not realizing that there is no other way to win true knowledge.  It cannot be easily come by.  There is no knowledge without risk taking. -terence McKenna

Most of the poems I really like relate to death in one way or another, however I don't view death in the western since where death is something dark and morbid, but more in the sense that it's an essential part of the natural process of being alive. I'm more like "day of the dead" where others are more "Halloween" , you know?

All you that faine philosophers would be,
And night and day in Geber's kitchen broyle,
Wasting the chips of ancient Hermes' Tree,
Weening to turn them to a precious oyle,
The more you work the more you loose and spoile;
To you, I say, how learned soever you be,
Go burne your Bookes and come and learn of me.
- Sir Edward Kelly, Metrical Treatise on Alchemy. Last stanza

This poem above has stuck with me since my youth. I have my own personal interpretation of this poem, however, my interpretation probably isn't that far off from Kelly's intended meaning behind the work. While there is no evidence that john Dee or Edward Kelley had any connection to actual psychedelics, their alchemical thought process and ethos is more psychedelic than most would realize.

Any way, great work of alchemical poetry.

One of my all time favorite poems.

Auguries Of Innocence
To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower,
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour.

A Robin Red breast in a Cage
Puts all Heaven in a Rage.
A dove house fill'd with doves & Pigeons
Shudders Hell thro' all its regions.
A dog starv'd at his Master's Gate
Predicts the ruin of the State.
A Horse misus'd upon the Road
Calls to Heaven for Human blood.
Each outcry of the hunted Hare
A fibre from the Brain does tear.
A Skylark wounded in the wing,
A Cherubim does cease to sing.
The Game Cock clipp'd and arm'd for fight
Does the Rising Sun affright.
Every Wolf's & Lion's howl
Raises from Hell a Human Soul.
The wild deer, wand'ring here & there,
Keeps the Human Soul from Care.
The Lamb misus'd breeds public strife
And yet forgives the Butcher's Knife.
The Bat that flits at close of Eve
Has left the Brain that won't believe.
The Owl that calls upon the Night
Speaks the Unbeliever's fright.
He who shall hurt the little Wren
Shall never be belov'd by Men.
He who the Ox to wrath has mov'd
Shall never be by Woman lov'd.
The wanton Boy that kills the Fly
Shall feel the Spider's enmity.
He who torments the Chafer's sprite
Weaves a Bower in endless Night.
The Catterpillar on the Leaf
Repeats to thee thy Mother's grief.
Kill not the Moth nor Butterfly,
For the Last Judgement draweth nigh.
He who shall train the Horse to War
Shall never pass the Polar Bar.
The Beggar's Dog & Widow's Cat,
Feed them & thou wilt grow fat.
The Gnat that sings his Summer's song
Poison gets from Slander's tongue.
The poison of the Snake & Newt
Is the sweat of Envy's Foot.
The poison of the Honey Bee
Is the Artist's Jealousy.
The Prince's Robes & Beggars' Rags
Are Toadstools on the Miser's Bags.
A truth that's told with bad intent
Beats all the Lies you can invent.
It is right it should be so;
Man was made for Joy & Woe;
And when this we rightly know
Thro' the World we safely go.
Joy & Woe are woven fine,
A Clothing for the Soul divine;
Under every grief & pine
Runs a joy with silken twine.
The Babe is more than swadling Bands;
Throughout all these Human Lands
Tools were made, & born were hands,
Every Farmer Understands.
Every Tear from Every Eye
Becomes a Babe in Eternity.
This is caught by Females bright
And return'd to its own delight.
The Bleat, the Bark, Bellow & Roar
Are Waves that Beat on Heaven's Shore.
The Babe that weeps the Rod beneath
Writes Revenge in realms of death.
The Beggar's Rags, fluttering in Air,
Does to Rags the Heavens tear.
The Soldier arm'd with Sword & Gun,
Palsied strikes the Summer's Sun.
The poor Man's Farthing is worth more
Than all the Gold on Afric's Shore.
One Mite wrung from the Labrer's hands
Shall buy & sell the Miser's lands:
Or, if protected from on high,
Does that whole Nation sell & buy.
He who mocks the Infant's Faith
Shall be mock'd in Age & Death.
He who shall teach the Child to Doubt
The rotting Grave shall ne'er get out.
He who respects the Infant's faith
Triumph's over Hell & Death.
The Child's Toys & the Old Man's Reasons
Are the Fruits of the Two seasons.
The Questioner, who sits so sly,
Shall never know how to Reply.
He who replies to words of Doubt
Doth put the Light of Knowledge out.
The Strongest Poison ever known
Came from Caesar's Laurel Crown.
Nought can deform the Human Race
Like the Armour's iron brace.
When Gold & Gems adorn the Plow
To peaceful Arts shall Envy Bow.
A Riddle or the Cricket's Cry
Is to Doubt a fit Reply.
The Emmet's Inch & Eagle's Mile
Make Lame Philosophy to smile.
He who Doubts from what he sees
Will ne'er believe, do what you Please.
If the Sun & Moon should doubt
They'd immediately Go out.
To be in a Passion you Good may do,
But no Good if a Passion is in you.
The Whore & Gambler, by the State
Licenc'd, build that Nation's Fate.
The Harlot's cry from Street to Street
Shall weave Old England's winding Sheet.
The Winner's Shout, the Loser's Curse,
Dance before dead England's Hearse.
Every Night & every Morn
Some to Misery are Born.
Every Morn & every Night
Some are Born to sweet Delight.
Some ar Born to sweet Delight,
Some are born to Endless Night.
We are led to Believe a Lie
When we see not Thro' the Eye
Which was Born in a Night to Perish in a Night
When the Soul Slept in Beams of Light.
God Appears & God is Light
To those poor Souls who dwell in the Night,
But does a Human Form Display
To those who Dwell in Realms of day. -William Blake

Every Morn & every Night
Some are Born to sweet Delight.
Some ar Born to sweet Delight,
Some are born to Endless Night.
-William Blake

Realms of bliss, realms of light
Some are born to sweet delight
Some are born to sweet delight
Some are born to the endless night
End of the night, end of the night
End of the night, end of the night
-Jim Morrison

You can really see a lot of William Blake's influence on Jim Morrison, I mean, Jim even decided to name his band after one of my favorite William Blake quotes: If the doors of perception were cleansed every thing would appear to man as it is: Infinite. -William Blake

...most people assumed that Jim took the name from aldous Huxley's work "the doors of perception", not knowing that Huxley took the name from Blake, as did Jim.

...any way, William Blake's influence on Morrison is obvious.

William Blake is my favorite poet, and I would say James Joyce and terence McKenna are at the top of my "favorite writers" list, but there are too many great writers to even list.

I almost consider "Finnegans Wake" by James Joyce to be a work of poetry, though I consider that work to be many, many, other things as well...

The Clod and the Pebble

'Love seeketh not itself to please,
Nor for itself hath any care,
But for another gives its ease,
And builds a Heaven in Hell's despair.'

So sung a little Clod of Clay
Trodden with the cattle's feet,
But a Pebble of the brook
Warbled out these metres meet:

'Love seeketh only self to please,
To bind another to its delight,
Joys in another's loss of ease,
And builds a Hell in Heaven's despite.'

-William Blake

warning - this thread to be read gently and with self-compassion.
breathe periodically. take a few mindful breaths. then, when ready, proceed.
a human heart is a delicate receptacle.  Wide spacey thoughts may open one's brain. Not to be read while driving or operating heavy machinery.

Spacey thoughts? Here? Not likely.

This is higher functioning on an intellectual and a conscious level, however, the invalidation of such functioning and thoughts is an inimical part of it's structure...

Back to poetry:

I actually think that William Blake's 'clod and the pebble" is a perfect juxtaposition of the two forms that love tends to take, you have the clod which represents selfless love and the pebble which represents selfish love.

I could spend days analyzing these poems, but for the sake of this thread will keep things short, all though I'm probably the only person besides you who is reading any if this...

Mind of psilocybin
by lucid optics
Observe and interpret
Up from the core to the surface
We are tenuous flicks of scintillation
Given an invitation to take a position in this pulsation
Life is death's vacation
As a child I was a vagrant
Learned every home held it's own fragrance
Differing versions of sacred decorate each person's faces
They complicate the basics till the common ground is evasive
Is it strange
Who take the cake weighs most?
And swallows hope of the masses
To live lavishly
Lay low
Found our way around this molecule
If we can scrape by in solitude
We'll climb grape vines when all of you
Shape this world how you wanted to
I'd like to eat well and to
Keep companions closer than the common recluse
Spewing seclusion in conclusion
Good leaders are no different than their followers
However elitists breed the fetus like it's Jesus...
Fucking... christ!
Dictated its life
Without realizing that your mind is yours for finding
Close your eyes and dive in privacy

We treat each other like garbage
Are we mimicking our surroundings?

Are we parrots with what we found
Or parasitic?
Killing our grounding

Astound I wither toward the grave
My fire flickers
As this unrelenting winter turns fingers to decrepit splinters
My voice in different locations
I'm a neutrino to Lucid adjacent
Communicating statements without leaving my current placement
Listen:
Even when your will to be awake plummets and breaks
Don't be so distant and faceless
Just perforate the stasis
And represent yourself
Not your enemies and demons [/b]
Represent your self
Not your enemies and demons
It can be easy to grudge on autopilot for awhile
But you can probably cut some slack to people when
They can't make you smile [/b]
Free yourself from your own grip
Start to make some of your own shit

Misanthropic drugged up loner
by Whitney Flynn & Jesse Sendejas

My breakfast is straight out the medicine cabinet
A remedy for the aftermath of my habits
Sometimes it's the ones who try to help
That hurt the most
I feel like we're playing tug of war and I'm the rope
And I'm stretched to the limit
But you keep on pulling me
And I'm gonna lose my goddamn mind, I'm gonna lose my mind

I want to hide away in the back of a cave
At the top of a mountain
Where no one can hear me and no one can see me
So I don't have to deal with them
And they don't have to deal with me
'Cause relationships are overrated
Maybe I'm just tired and jaded
But I'm sorry I just like myself more than I like you

So call me anti-social, call it masturbation
Either way it's a solo operation
I'm just far more comfortable alone


It appears that apathy
Has gotten the best of me
'Cause I'm so tired of you talking my ear off
About all your problems I just can't fix
I don't appreciate this unwanted company
And your constant chatter
Reminds me why I'd rather you leave me be

there's a time to fill up the bucket
and a time to empty it.
(astrologer, Toronto, 1984)

Ode 2180
By Jalal al-Din Muhammad Rumi, or Rumi for short

From these depths depart towards heaven;
may your soul be happy, journey joyfully.
You have escaped from the city full of fear and trembling;
happily become a resident of the Abode of Security
If the body's image has gone, await the image-maker; if the
body is utterly ruined, become all soul.
If your face has become saffron pale through death, become a
dweller among tulip beds and Judas trees.
If the doors of repose have been barred to you, come, depart
by way of the roof and the ladder.
If you are alone from Friends and companions, by the help of
God become a saheb-qeran [lord of happy circumstance].
If you have been secluded from water and bread, like bread
become the food of the souls, and so become!

Il Penseroso

Hence vain deluding joyes,
The brood of folly without father bred,
How little you bested,
Or fill the fixed mind with all your toyes;
Dwell in som idle brain, [ 5 ]
And fancies fond with gaudy shapes possess,
As thick and numberless
As the gay motes that people the Sun Beams,
Or likest hovering dreams
The fickle Pensioners of Morpheus train.

Or let my Lamp at midnight hour,
Be seen in som high lonely Towr,
Where I may oft out-watch the Bear,
With thrice great Hermes, or unsphear
The spirit of Plato to unfold
What Worlds, or what vast Regions hold

...

But hail thou Goddes, sage and holy,
Hail divinest Melancholy,
Whose Saintly visage is too bright
To hit the Sense of human sight;
And therfore to our weaker view, [ 15 ]
Ore laid with black staid Wisdoms hue.
Black, but such as in esteem,
Prince Memnons sister might beseem,
Or that Starr'd Ethiope Queen that strove
To set her beauties praise above [ 20 ]
The Sea Nymphs, and their powers offended.
Yet thou art higher far descended,
Thee bright- hair'd Vesta long of yore,
To solitary Saturn bore;
His daughter she (in Saturns raign, [ 25 ]
Such mixture was not held a stain).
Oft in glimmering Bowres, and glades
He met her, and in secret shades
Of woody Ida's inmost grove,
While yet there was no fear of Jove.

'When the doors of perception are cleansed
Things will appear as they are:
Infinite.'

—William Blake

'There are things known
and there are things unknown,
and in between are the doors.'
—Jim Morrison

the doors
by Jim Morrison
Moment of inner freedom
when the mind is opened & the
infinite universe revealed
& the soul is left to wander
dazed & confus'd searching
here & there for teachers & friends.

...

People need Connectors
Writers, heroes, stars, leaders
To give life form.
A child's sand boat facing
the sun.
Plastic soldiers in the miniature
dirt war. Forts.
Garage Rocket Ships

Ceremonies, theatre, dances
To reassert
Tribal needs and memories
a call to worship, uniting
above all, a reversion,
a longing for family and the
safety magic of childhood

...

A man rakes leaves into
a heap in his yard, a pile,
and leans on his rake and
burns them utterly.

The fragrance fills the forest
children pause and heed the
smell, which will become
nostalgia in several years.

...

An angel runs
Thru the sudden light
Thru the room
A ghost precedes us
A shadow follows us
And each time we stop
We fall

...

The Endless quest a vigil
of watchtowers and fortresses
against the sea and time.
Have they won? Perhaps.
They still stand and in
their silent rooms still wander
the souls of the dead,
who keep their watch on the living.
Soon enough we shall join them.
Soon enough we shall walk
the walls of time. We shall
miss nothing
except each other.

...

No one thought up being;
he who thinks he has
Step forward

...

The Crossroads
a place where ghosts
reside to whisper into
the ears of travelers &
interest them in their fate

Hitchhiker drinks:
"I call again on the dark
hidden gods of blood"

—Why do you call us?
You know our price. It
never changes. Death of
you will give you life
& free you from a vile
fate. But it is getting late.

—If I could see you again
& talk w/ you, & walk a
short while in your company,
& drink the heady brew
of your conversations,
I thought

—to rescue a soul already
ruined. To achieve respite.
To plunder green gold
on a pirate raid & bring
to camp the glory of old.

—As the capesman faces
poisoned horns & drinks
red victory; the soldier,
too, w/ his trophy, a
pierced helmet; & the
ledge-walker shuddering
his way into inward grace

—(laughter) Well, then. Would
you mock yourself?

—No.

—Soon our voices must become
one, or one must leave.

...

There was preserved

in her

The fresh miracle

of

surprise.

...

open

The Night is young
& full of rest
I can't describe
the way she's dress'd
She'll pander to some strange
requests
Anything that you suggest
Anything to please her guest

Stoned Immaculate
Shake dreams from your hair
My pretty child, my sweet one.
Choose the day and
choose the sign of your day
The day's divinity
First thing you see.
A vast radiant beach
in a cool jeweled moon
Couples naked race down by it's quiet side
And we laugh like soft, mad children
Smug in the woolly cotton brains of infancy
The music and voices are all around us.
Choose, they croon, the Ancient Ones
The time has come again
Choose now, they croon,
Beneath the moon
Beside an ancient lake
Enter again the sweet forest
Enter the hot dream
Come with us
Everything is broken up and dances.
-Jim morrison

"To make this trivial world sublime, take half a gram of phanerothyme." -Aldous Huxley

"To fathom Hell or soar angelic, just take a pinch of psychedelic" -Osmond
Or
To fall in Hell or soar angelic / You'll need a pinch of psychedelic -Humphry Osmond

Some background on these rhymes:

The term psychedelic, which means "mind-manifesting," was coined by Humphry Osmond and suggested to his peers in 1957 at a meeting of the New York Academy of Sciences. He borrowed ancient Greek to give the word "psychedelic" meaning, using the Greek words psyche (mind) and delos (manifest). Aldous Huxley, in a letter to Osmond, came up with his own term, "phanerothyme," which he suggested to Osmond in the rhyme. "To make this trivial world sublime, take half a gram of phanerothyme." Osmond replied with his own rhyme, "To fathom Hell or soar angelic, just take a pinch of psychedelic." Osmond's term was adopted, giving these unique substances their distinct identity and classification.
https://psychedelictimes.com/psychedelic-therapy/giving-psychedelic-meaning-5-fascinating-things-about-humphry-osmond-the-man-who-invented-the-word-psychedelic/

Dark Star
by Robert C. Hunter
Dark star crashes, pouring its light into ashes.
Reason tatters, the forces tear loose from the axis.
Searchlight casting for faults in the clouds of delusion.
Shall we go, you and I while we can
Through the transitive nightfall of diamonds?
Mirror shatters in formless reflections of matter.
Glass hand dissolving to ice petal flowers revolving.
Lady in velvet recedes in the nights of goodbye.
Shall we go, you and I while we can
Through the transitive nightfall of diamonds?

"To make this trivial world sublime, take half a gram of phanerothyme." -Aldous Huxley

"To fathom Hell or soar angelic, just take a pinch of psychedelic" -Osmond
Or
To fall in Hell or soar angelic / You'll need a pinch of psychedelic -Humphry Osmond

Some background on these rhymes:

The term psychedelic, which means "mind-manifesting," was coined by Humphry Osmond and suggested to his peers in 1957 at a meeting of the New York Academy of Sciences. He borrowed ancient Greek to give the word "psychedelic" meaning, using the Greek words psyche (mind) and delos (manifest). Aldous Huxley, in a letter to Osmond, came up with his own term, "phanerothyme," which he suggested to Osmond in the rhyme. "To make this trivial world sublime, take half a gram of phanerothyme." Osmond replied with his own rhyme, "To fathom Hell or soar angelic, just take a pinch of psychedelic." Osmond's term was adopted, giving these unique substances their distinct identity and classification.
https://psychedelictimes.com/psychedelic-therapy/giving-psychedelic-meaning-5-fascinating-things-about-humphry-osmond-the-man-who-invented-the-word-psychedelic/

I still want to be with her. I didn't see her yesterday, and today I was hardly able to glance up from my notebook. I've gotten better at keeping my attention off of her, though I know one of these days I'm eventually going to introduce myself to her.
  Yesterday was the only day this week where I wasn't graced by her angelic presence. The whole time I thought "what if that's it, and I won't be seeing her again?", I think to myself if I would have been satisfied when looking back at my past if I never talked to her.

Even if she brakes my heart or rejects me, that's still better than the thought of not even trying.

I know I'm going to get shot down, so that could be another contributing factor relating to my hesitations with her.

...I know if she gave me a chance I would be able to show her how much I could do for her, and I know that I could prove to her that I could keep her satisfied and happy.

  I always hoped that she would be the one to say hello to me. She is always sitting by herself, and is usually busy on her phone. I never want to interrupt her.
  I've never met another girl that is so perfect, and its driving me crazy that I'm about to let her just slip through my fingers. If I talk to her, and she rejects me, which she probably will, at least I will be able to say I tried.
   Aside from her immaculate pulchritude and stunning sensuous presence she has other traits which are admirable and worthy of respect. This girl is incredibly gorgeous, she is hard working and responsible, and is also sharp and worthy of respect.
  From her beautiful brunette hair, and golden heart and soul to her angelic presence and sensuous style, she is perfect in every way.

I would do absolutely anything for her, and would do anything just to see her smile and to make her happy.

I usually have my headphones on, so I can never hear anything that's going on around me. She was on the phone by me the other day, but to remain polite I kept my music playing loud and didn't hear what she was saying. I love her voice, which is a first, I have never really cared much about what a girls voice sounds like, but her voice drives me crazy (in a good way), I could listen to her talk for all eternity and still never get tired of the sound of her voice.

I wonder if she knows that ALL SHE HAS TO DO IS SAY HELLO and she would have me, fully devoted to her and only her. I wonder if she knows that I would do anything for her, and would do whatever it would take to prove to her that I have what it takes to be hers, and that I could keep her happy, and that I would give her anything or do anything that her heart desired.

Why can't I just talk to her?

Why won't she just talk to me? After seeing me every day for nearly a few years, and after sitting within 5 feet of me nearly every day for just as long, why has she never wanted to talk to me?

I guess I should take that as a sign that she isn't interested, but what if I'm wrong?

Most girls that I know expect males to approach them, and while I've never received a clear answer as to why this is the case, it does seem to be somewhat of a standard amongst females.

So, I can sit back and hope and pray that she talks to me...

...or I can find a way to introduce myself to her.

Sooner or later one or the other is bound to happen.

I really don't want to let her pass by. I would probably regret it forever if I managed to let a girl like that go without at least respectfully explaining to her how I feel.

poetry inspires
real life actions show us what we are
we practice to be how we want to be

Interesting.

My real life actions are based off of compassion, selflessness, mindfulness, and karma.
 
I keep to myself, and in most cases I will not speak to others unless they speak to me first. I will usually be quietly reading or working in a notebook, and generally will go unnoticed by most.

When I do act it is with kindness and compassion.

Yesterday I was riding the bus, it was quite cold outside, and a homeless man had boarded the bus. He stood in front of the driver digging through his pockets as if he had money or a transfer to give the driver, this went on for several stops, so, I finally got up and gave the man bus fare.

...its billions of selfless acts like the one described above on a  daily basis.

I didn't get to see the girl that I am attracted to today, and I never see her on Saturdays, so the best I can do is hope to see her on Monday.

Every time I feel like "today is the day that I talk to her" she manages to not show up, and on the days when I'm not feeling up to talking to anybody she always seems to show up, even providing me with some opportunities to say hello. Its happened twice this week, on the two days I was prepared to talk to her she didn't show up.

I've accepted that it's probably never going to happen with her, but its still nice to see her.

if you were to know that you have one week to do everything you wanted to do, would you choose to speak to her?
treat yourself with kindness and compassion. Through mindfulness, know that your thoughts, fears aren't you - they're merely thoughts and fears. They pass and other emotions, thoughts take their place.

Melanie
by intrepid_traveler
*incomplete*
She says I am everything that she wishes he could be,
yet she stays with him and then comes crying to me.

Quote from: judih on November 09, 2018, 11:34:36 PM
if you were to know that you have one week to do everything you wanted to do, would you choose to speak to her?
treat yourself with kindness and compassion. Through mindfulness, know that your thoughts, fears aren't you - they're merely thoughts and fears. They pass and other emotions, thoughts take their place.

See, I have played out similar scenarios in my mind, and honestly I'm still not sure if I would talk to her...

Don't get me wrong, this girl stole my heart the first time I saw her, but I still can't help but thinking that she deserves so much better than me.

.. like, if she came up to me, and if she clearly had enough interest to take the initiative to start a conversation, and if I could feel a connection when we were talking, than I would have no choice but to follow my instincts and to give her all of the love that I possibly could, every day showing her that she is the most valuable treasure in this universe, and doing every single thing that I possibly could to make her smile and to keep her happy.

...however, if I initiate the first conversation, and if I'm the one making all of the effort to make it happen, then it will feel like I forced the situation.

I've always taken a Taoist approach to most things.

Any way, I might see her tomorrow, so I might as well just talk to her. Though every time she is near me and I'm preparing to say hello I become all nervous and shaken, I get really self-conscious and scared and just continue writing in my notebook doing my best to act like I don't notice her.

If she just Sat in the seat next to me, or tapped me on the shoulder, and put me in a position where I was obligated to interact with her I know everything would turn out fine.

I did not get to see Her today, which was kind of disheartening as I usually see Her on Mondays.

There is a chance that I Will get to see Her tomorrow.

Even though it's always somewhat stressful being around her in the sense that I end up driving myself mad trying to summon the courage to make an introduction, it's always a gift to be graced by beauteous presence.

From her beautiful brunette hair and her sweet angelic voice, to the warmth and beauty which radiates from her core, it's a blessing just to get to spend time in her presence, whether I'm able to interact with her or not, I feel like its a privilege just to be near her, and seeing her always makes my day better...

...aside from the frustration of knowing that even though she is only a few feet away from me on most days that those few feet might as well be light-years. Its discouraging thinking that after all this time she has never wanted to talk to me, or of she has she has always done a good job of hiding it. Its disheartening knowing that I couldn't even dream of a girl so perfect, yet also knowing that ill probably never be able to have her.

Its strange, I posted about hearing her talk on the phone before, and the two times I saw her after that she was on her phone. I had my headphones on and couldn't hear what she was saying, and out of respect decided to continue to go about my business without eavesdropping in on her conversation, however, something tells me that maybe I should have, I mean, maybe she thought I could hear her and passively said something she thought I might pick up on... ..but who knows. I'm probably way over thinking all of this.

I just wish that she knew how I felt.

I suspect that she might know that I'm attracted to her, but I wish that she knew for sure.

Sometimes I talk to this other girl who is around when she is, I was thinking, maybe I could have that girl go talk to her for me, and to tell her that I really like her and that I'm really attracted to her. I mean, at least that way I will know for sure that she knows.

Winter time love
by Jim Morrison
Wintertime winds blow cold the season
Fallen in love, I'm hoping to be
Wind is so cold, is that the reason?
Keeping you warm, your hands touching me
Come with me dance, my dear
Winter's so cold this year
You are so warm
My wintertime love to be
Winter time winds blue and freezing
Coming from northern storms in the sea
Love has been lost, is that the reason?
Trying so desperately to be free
Come with me dance, my dear
Winter's so cold this year
You are so warm
My wintertime love to be
Come with me dance, my dear
Winter's so cold this year
You are so warm
My wintertime love to be

jim morrison knows how to waltz. soundtrack for a day of the unknown

I saw her yesterday (Tuesday), which made my day, she even sat right next to me! The whole time I was going mad inside thinking that I should just talk to her. Seriously, she was only like three feet away from me, and I froze up. ...I sat there writing in my notebook praying that she would just tap me on the shoulder and start a conversation. Why won't she talk to me?

I saw her today (Wednesday), but some other girl was sitting in her seat so she ended up sitting across from me. Usually I am too nervous to turn my head and look at her, but because today she was at a distance I felt comfortable stealing a glance at her, and she is even more beautiful than I had thought. I spend so much time trying to ignore her and trying to fight my attraction to her that I often don't have the chance to just sit down and look at her, and every time I do she is more beautiful and perfect than I had remembered.

I know I probably sound like a broken record going on about her sublime pulchritudeness, sensuous manner, angelic voice, beautiful brunette hair, admirable work ethic, and her loving and warm heart and soul, but believe me, these words can't even begin to express my true feelings for her. She has a heart, soul, and beauty that is beyond perfection, and not only is she outstandingly gorgeous, but she has many admirable traits and obviously deserves the highest respect.

She looked so cute this morning when she was walking over to her seat and then quickly sitting, all bundled up in her winter coat with her bag on her lap and her arms clutched tightly around bag. She was so adorable in that moment. She always looks so warm and comforting, it always makes me wish that I could just hold her in my arms.

...today I could see her in the window of the moving vehicle that I had just exited as it rolled into the early morning darkness, and I found myself captivated and awestruck by how incredibly pretty she was, and not just how adorable she looked today, but how every time I see her she always looks so incredible, the type of genuine beauty that makes your heart melt and your knees weak.

She truly is special, and every day I always want to show her how beautiful, amazing, and valuable she is. I wish I could be there waiting for her with flowers, or other gifts every morning when I first see her, and I could give her gifts and shower her with compliments and affection. I would never let her forget that she is the most beautiful, gorgeous, intelligent, treasure in this entire universe, and I would do absolutely anything I could to show her how special she is, and how much she truly means to me, I want to remind her that she is perfect, and that she deserves the best.

I'm pretty sure I will get to see her tomorrow, at least I usually get to see her on Thursdays. Its always such a let down on the mornings when I am not graced with her presence.

...every morning that I see her I am always hoping and praying that she will finally talk to me.

...at this point I wouldn't blame her if she slapped me in the face and said "do you want this to happen or not!".

I just wish she would talk to me, even if it was to say that she wasn't interested.

I don't understand why she hasn't wanted to talk to me yet. I have always just assumed that it was because she didn't like me, but what if I'm wrong? What if she does like me and we are both too nervous to get things moving?

...I've got to stop thinking like that, the last thing I need to do is get my hopes up daydreaming that she might be interested in me. At this point I think it's safer to just assume that she doesn't like me and that she will never talk to me.

enjoy this period. It's unique and wonderful.

I didn't get to see Her today.

Every time I pass 26th street without seeing Her it brings me down a little bit. I guess as I am approaching 26th street I always anticipate running into her, and when it doesn't happen it's always some what of a let down.

I almost never see her on Fridays and I have never run into her on a Saturday. If I'm lucky I might see her tomorrow, but Monday is probably my best chance.

...why won't she talk to me?

Is it because she isn't interested? Is it because she doesn't even notice me?

...it would be nice if it was because she was attracted to me and was also too shy to say anything.

...but as I said, I can't go getting my hopes up like that.

I still just hope and pray that one of these days she will talk to me.

...or I at least wish she knew how much I liked her, and how much I would be willing to do for her.

listening.  One day this situation will change its nature, and the time will be right

Yeah, probably.

Looking back at my younger years, and all the girls I feared to talk to, I realize that my fear and desire and excited emotions were all about me, not whatever her of the moment. Want is exciting and mysterious, inspiring. Some people are too, and some are not. And some are but not for me or you, but for someone else.

But I now think it's better to speak up and know, cut the bubble of ignorance. If she's not the one, once you have tried, then move on. There are a billion, more than that, desirable girls in this world. Many are taken. Many are sleeping alone tonight. Given what little I have learned at this point, I would rather speak up, and move on sooner, if need be, than look and wish and want and not know. I wasted way too much time on that.

And it's likely, given how much you have looked at her and so on, she knows, and is either waiting for you to get to it, or isn't interested.

So it's about you, right now. Act. That's my advice. Good luck either way. It's nice to see this forum Judih and I have moderated for so long getting such a passionate workout in this thread.

Great advice.

I think it's nice being able to admire someone, and to be able to see them as beautiful, but I'm also comfortable in allowing her to pass me by if that's her choice.

I've always taken a very Taoist approach to how I handle things...

...and while it seems a poor strategy in romance, I feel that in the end things will work out as they were meant to.

Emily Dickinson
Because I could not stop for Death (first stanza)

Because I could not stop for Death – He kindly stopped for me – The Carriage held but just Ourselves – And Immortality.

Most of the cats that you meet on the streets speak of true love,
Most of the time they're sittin' and cryin' at home.
One of these days they know they better get goin'
Out of the door and down on the streets all alone.
-good ole grateful dead

Well, I Will probably see Her on Monday, and while I would love to be the one who gets things moving I am probably just going to sit there praying for the miracle of her approaching me.

...actually, she makes it more than easy in terms of giving me opportunities to interact with Her, she will sit right next to me, or she will sit across from me right in my line of sight, and while she is usually focussed on her mobile device I still think it would be more than easy to get her attention...

I can't help but wonder what she actually thinks of me. I know she notices me...

When you said earlier "she must see you looking at her", well, I really don't think that could be the case, I actually do my best to ignore Her, and I have been fighting my attraction for her since the first time i saw her. I think I've always known that she was out of my reach, I just don't want to accept it, I keep thinking that if by some miracle she is interested in me that she will find a say to let me know, and if she could send me at least some type of a clue that I might have a chance then I would not hesitate to make every first move from there on out.

...maybe she has been trying to give me hints and I'm just too dim to pick up on them. Maybe by sitting next to me, but by still being too nervous or shy or whatever to talk to me she is somehow trying to tell me "look guy, you got my attention, now act on it"

...or I could be completely wrong. It could be that she really isn't interested at all and thus goes out of Her way to not pay attention to me even when she is sitting only a few feet away.

This is the first time any of this has ever happened to me. I've never been too nervous to talk to a girl before, but then again, I've never encountered a girl like this before. Usually I would be happy to get shot down and then move on...

... I know everybody says "this girl is special", though I can assure you that I've never been one of them, that is until the first time I saw her.

Any way, I think it's a cause that was doomed from the start.

Unless that is she decides to talk to me. That's all she has to do.

If she decides that she will give me a chance all she has to do is say so, and I would be fully devoted to her and only her from that moment on.

I want to ask the girl from 23rd to talk to her for me, or maybe just bring her into a conversation that involves the three of us and then slowly fading herself out.


The gorgeous brunette from 26th street on her way to work early in the morning will always have my heart, and I would do anything I could for her if she would give me a chance.

Hell, it's not like I could ever say "no" to any request she could have of me, I would do anything and everything I possibly could for her.

There is something going on there, but I can't pin-point what it is.

It's definitely a strange situation which I don't fully understand.

Without saying more I think the important piece of that post is what has been repeated below. I'm sure this sounds redundant in general, but eventually something will happen...

I think I've always known that she was out of my reach, I just don't want to accept it...

... I keep thinking that if by some miracle she is interested in me that she will find a way to let me know, and if she could send me at least some type of a clue that I might have a chance then I would not hesitate to make every first move from there on out.

...maybe she has been trying to give me hints and I'm just too dim to pick up on them. Maybe by sitting next to me, but by still being too nervous or shy or whatever to talk to me she is somehow trying to tell me "look guy, you got my attention, now act on it"

...or I could be completely wrong. It could be that she really isn't interested at all and thus goes out of Her way to not pay attention to me even when she is sitting only a few feet away.

she's there. That's the clue.

Yeah. I suppose you are correct.

It really is somewhat embarrassing unburdening myself of these thoughts in such a public forum, but I have always figured these thoughts were better in print than rattling around in my head. Its a form of evicting these thoughts and feelings from my conscious stream and unloading them somewhere else to be sifted through and dealt with at a later time.

I had a strange trip last night. It was introspective and life altering, but not in the traditional sense of facing the fact that your an asshole 15 times a minute, but in the sense of being able to just fucking let go and peacefully become part of the whole, when you dissolve into nothing you realize you are one with everything.

when you dissolve into nothing you realize you are one with everything.

Jerry garcia once said that when you leave something undefined it in a sense becomes everything, and last night I lost what very little definition I had to begin with.

Jerry garcia really was one of the clearest thinking humans that I have ever encountered. Literally, every time jerry was questioned on some issue his response would always be cheerfully surprising and far deeper than it could ever seem just on the surface. Bob hunter and Garcia and actually all of the deads lyrics are like scraps of life wisdom which you have to live your way into understanding, always deep and meaningful with a touch of humor and a slight ironic tinge.

Any way, when it comes to the girl that I like I might have to violate my principle of passively accepting what comes my way with ease and grace and openness, I might be forced into forcing the situation, which is a risk, I might benefit, though things could also horribly blowback on me... if there even is a me anymore.

The night ended incredibly strange.

I ended I locked into a deeply emotional tear filled session with a girl that I had just met. There was a good deal of dredging up past memories and deep emotional life events, there was a good deal of holding each other in our arms and crying together, and a good deal of connection between people which rarely occurs, she was totally open, totally honest.

The night ended with me playing songs for her on my guitar, I knew a lot of her favorites, mostly dead and sublime songs, and it really seemed to cheer her up.

one song in particular that I played and sang for her really had an impact, and I could tell that it meant a lot to her, and really did make her feel better:

iya terra
life goes on
Lift up your head weary one
I see that sorrow in your eyes
Life got you down again
But you've got to realize
It takes time to learn, it takes time to grow
So be patient and be kind, And
If you ask with ease and grace
All that you seek you will find

Dust to dust and ash to ash
This too shall pass in the time, and you
Got to trust, yeah you got to trust
Good things coming in time, and Life Goes On
Life Goes On, woe

And you can count on me to be the one
That's never gonna leave you lonely
Count on me to be the one
That is gonna love you always, woe woe
When you're feeling sad and blue
I'll be there to see you through, so
Don't cry no more
I said don't cry, my darling

True it takes some time for one to refine
The steps upon the path you are leading
The harder the pursuit, it remains the truth
The harder it will be to achieve it
And though you feel like giving up
When the path gets rough
You must be string, life must go
Don't cry, my darling, don't cry

Dust to dust and ash to ash
This too shall pass in the time, and you
Got to trust, yeah you got to trust
Good things coming in time, and Life Goes On
Life Goes On, woe
Life Goes On

And you can count on me to be the one
That's never gonna leave you lonely
Count on me to be the one
That is gonna love you always, woe woe
When you're feeling sad and blue
I'll be there to see you through, so
Don't cry no more
I said don't cry, my darling

...

What a strange night.

I'm always surprised that the whole world isn't rattled to the core by the massive events going on in our minds when we consume these things...

You can be in Two places at once though. You can inhabit several dimensions simultaneously, I was here physically while simultaneously "there" in every other way.

Ok, enough time with my "crazy hat" on.

if you think you can fly, START FROM THE GROUND 

..I never understood why the hypothetical psychedelically stoned individual would always think they could fly and start trying from like 10 stories up, I mean, why not start from the ground? 

Ok, I need sleep, sorry guys.

Every day I think I am finally going to be able to ignore Her she shows up looking more beautiful than ever...

I can't believe I didn't talk to Her today.

I wish she would just talk to me.

Didn't see Her on Monday.

...and when I saw her today she looked incredible.

Her beautiful brunette hair was done, and she was wearing a black and white patterned scarf that made Her look gorgeous.

I had been planning on speaking with her this morning but was dumbstruck by her beauty and became nervous.

Its never going to happen unless she talks to me first...

I keep trying to ignore her, I keep thinking "its just adrenaline, oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin that's making you feel this way, just fight it!" Sadly, I can't fight my endogenous chemistry, and obviously I can't resist her beauty, charm, and admirable traits.

I guess I'm just going to have to quietly admire her, unless by some miracle she decides to talk to me.

The gorgeous brunette who rides from 26th street. I don't think will ever be over her. Which I suppose means that if she ever decides that she wants to give me a chance that will be here waiting for her.

Yesterday was probably my best shot.

I did not see Her today, and because of the holidays I probably won't see Her until next week.

Yesterday would have been a good day. She Sat right across from me, looking amazing, and seemed as though she was waiting for me to say something to Her...

I'm An idiot. That would have been my best chance.

I have been a slender sword
A drop in the air
A shining bright star
A letter amoung words
-6th century bard taliesin shamanic writing

such statements were for a long time seen as poetic bombast, But in more recent times they have been accepted as accounts of actual experiences, when a taliesin speaks of having "been" a sword, or a drop of rain or a star, he means that he has literally experienced what it means to be so completely at one with the things he sees and hears in such a way, that he feels as if he were indeed one of them.

-Mathews; shamanism bible

raindrops
Conscious-being intertwined and bound to the physical machine,Masquerading physicality through the banality of reality, unable to wake from this lucid dream.
by "intrepid_traveler

Since this is also a prose thread, I figured I should include a detailed piece of masterfully creative and novel thought generated by the master of prose, philosophic contemplation and speculation, Mr. Terence McKenna.

Fractal Soliton of Improbability; the demiurge; dual worlds and Greco-Mayans.
So, a few weeks ago I was meditating in my usual fashion, and I began to get this "new idea", which was so weird that I immediately shifted into, "This is not the truth, this is not a transmission about the nature of reality. This is a plot for a science fiction novel that I should write!" I tried to hold that as my defence, that was my shield against the onslaught of this thing.

I've never been one for Atlantis, or Lemuria, all these invisible prehistoric lands and places that people enjoy so much, but I was told a very funny thing, which I will share with you. It's a funny idea. Let's see, how does it go? It has two versions, one of which speaks a scientific language, the other speaks a mythological language. So the scientific language goes something like this...

There's something in the universe called a "Fractal Soliton of Improbability". This means it's a unique event, it only happens once in the lifetime of a universe. You can think of it as a wavelength with one wave; that's why it's called a soliton. These things move, not in ordinary three-dimensional space, but in some kind of much higher spatial manifold. And when they collide with a planet, or when one collides with a planet in a universe, the time-stream of that planet is divided, and two copies of that planet spring into existence, without either having any knowledge of it. It's just something which happens. So, this voice was telling me that this had happened to the Earth, and that this was the secret that we were all striving to understand; that an event in the past had actually divided our time-stream, and that a twin of this planet had come into being in another dimension.

OK, so that's the scientific explanation. So the mythological explanation was, that the universe is Gnostic. The universe is the creation of the Demiurge, not the highest expression of divinity, but a kind of demon, a fallen creature. This Demiurge was able to coax itself into being, actually incarnate into history as a human being. And when this happened, this was the mythological expression of the Fractal Soliton of Improbability. When it happened, the time-stream split. The time-splitting event had to do with the career of Christ, who was an extraordinary manifestation of energy in the historical time-stream; not to be confused with a Buddha or a Mohammed or a Zoroaster, who were great saints—this was something else. It was in some sense what it claimed to be—but in some sense.

So at the moment of—and you can choose either the Immaculate Conception or the Resurrection, depending on which side of the bed you got up on today—at that moment, the time-stream split, and this other place came into being, without having any awareness of it. They were identical at that moment, these two worlds.

What I forgot to say was, this event, the Fractal Soliton of Improbability, has this quantum-mechanical half-charge, so in one of the universes it happens, and in the other universe it doesn't happen. So everything about these two worlds was the same, except in one of them the Immaculate Conception or the Resurrection had not taken place. Now, because Christ had no children, in the world in which he was absent, it was not a genetic line that was missing, it was an ideological line which never received expression. And consequently, as time passed, first decades, and then centuries, the absence of this particular intellectual influence in the world changed the world radically, in the following way: Greek science did not suffer the suppression that occurred with the conversion of Constantine; the Academies were not closed; the Hermetic knowledge was not repressed. Conversely, the Empire was stronger, and was able to repel the barbarian invasions of the 2nd to the 5th century, and mathematics, which had halted in our world at Diophantus, proceed through his disciple Hypatia to develop a calculus by AD 370. So that the millennium of Christian stasis that occurred in our world did not occur in that world.

As time passed, and engineering advances occurred, by around 850 they had ships that were able to cross the Atlantic Ocean. And they encountered the Mayan civilization reaching its fullest flower in Guatemala and in the Yucatan peninsula. In fact, in this vision I saw the Roman Emperor Cosmodorus the Fifth make a pilgrimage to Tikal in 920 to be present at the coronation of a king at the end of Baktun 8. Anyway, this Greco-Roman imperial culture immediately recognized the genius of the Mayans in mathematics and astronomy, and Europe was... transformed, into an amalgamation, a Greco-Mayan civilization, and this civilization continued to develop.

Now one of the influences which the Mayans brought into Europe around the year 950 was their extremely sophisticated psychopharmacopeia, and shamanism. And this mated with Neoplatonism and Hermeticism, so that rather than science developing as it developed in our world, a kind of magical, psychopharmacolytic technology of thought and understanding was what was developed over the centuries. And in later centuries, centuries before it happened in our world, they contacted the Orient, and the dynastic influence of the Sung poured itself into the creation of a global civilization. Such that, by around 1200 AD they were able to land on the moon, and create a cybernetic global civilization similar to the kind we have now.

They continued evolving, with all this psychotronic and shamanically-derived... well, by now you can imagine it was an unbelievably exotic and alien civilization compared to our own. The fruits of their psychedelic and psychoanalytic investigations into higher space was the discovery of our world. They found out what had happened. They figured it out, by studying dreams, and by making deep journeys into the psychedelic space, they were able to discover our sleeping unconscious, with its repository of the legacy of the Christian centuries under the reign of this Demiurgic ideology. And they conceived of the notion of saving us. And it has to do with this whole thing about the UFOs, and influencing dreams, and astral travelling... and the Other Side is actually the manifestation of this bizarre Greco-Mayan, postmodern star-faring civilization, trying to reach across the dimensions to save us from the momentum of our history, by making us aware of, first of all their existence, and also their technology, which is evolving toward a point where I think around the Mayan millennium, around 2012, we will flow past the time island, and the two time-streams will be rejoined. And we will make peace with this civilization that is now a thousand years more advanced than us, with this totally different cultural history, and this completely different take on reality.

So, this came to me in the space of about fifteen seconds...

[A discussion ends in a question about our destructiveness to plant ecologies versus what might have happened in the other world...]

They were developing and exploring technical options many hundreds of years ago, and they discovered the theoretics for nuclear fusion and fission, but they never used it. Until a few hundred years later, one of their great theoreticians—this was after they had discovered our time-stream—made the prediction that the physics of atomic explosions were such that they would cross the time-stream. And so they performed an experiment by detonating an atomic device in what is our year 1907. And this was the Tunguska event! And then, by monitoring the dreams of Siberian shamans, which they had in clear focus, they saw, "Aha! This explosion which we set off actually did occur in both time-streams." And at that point, they became very interested in monitoring our time-stream, because they were picking up the dreams of a Swiss telegraph worker, who seemed to be pushing toward an unimaginable conclusion... So now there is a certain amount of urgency, because if we explode our atomic stockpiles, it will wreck the place that they call Home World. It's not self-preservation, because they now have starflight, and encompass many systems, but preservation of Home World, which on the other side is a vast botanical and ecological preserve from pole to pole. It's a sacred site of pilgrimage; it's the home of the species, the Earth. And the notion that suddenly great parts of it will be blown apart by leakage from hyperspace of one of our atomic wars is impelling them now to attempt to open the doorway, and re-join the time-streams. We'll be allowed a few years inside the botanical park to acclimate, and then most people will ship off for the stars, I imagine.-Terence McKenna

Just when you think life can't get any stranger...

Last night I stayed at home and took MDMA with Ayela, Delilah, and Eliza.

We all gave thanks to have one another, and to be able to be there for one another and we were thankful that we were able love each other.

At least when we are together existence is beautiful, its as if all of the suffering, and and sadness, and hate, and all of the other horrible aspects of existence on earth seem to stop existing, and our space and time is filled with joy, and openness, and happiness, and love, and compassion. When we are together we can be ourselves, we can be open and true without ever worrying about criticism or judgement.

These girls are far more open and adventurous than myself in certain ways, yet I was never uncomfortable, they welcomed me into their expressions of love, and just as they freely and openly accepted me, I selflessly and lovingly accepted them, and fully gave myself to them for that given time.

...what an incredibly strange night. This house looks so normal from the outside, I doubt anybody would ever guess that its been the setting for some some truly bizarre psychedelic experimentation over the years, from shamans holding authentic ceremonies to psychedelic group sex and beyond, this house has been the setting to events that would probably never be believed if accurately recited.

I would gladly give up all of it, give up everything, just to have a chance with the girl from 26th that I have been enamored with...

I'm not necessarily a misanthrope, though I do have many misanthropic tendencies. I would say I "love humanity, but loathe most individual humans"

Is it negative if I'm content existing only with the people I love? When I venture out into public it's a constant struggle to keep people the fuck away from me. I have no interest in interacting with anybody who hasn't "tuned in and turned on" for lack of a better phrase.

...I guess when it comes to ignoring those who only intend me harm, or those who clearly lack empathy and compassion, I'm doing myself a favor, but I keep thinking of that old Leary quote:


Timothy Leary:
"Admit it. You aren't like them. You're not even close. You may occasionally dress yourself up as one of them, watch the same mindless television shows as they do, maybe even eat the same fast food sometimes. But it seems that the more you try to fit in, the more you feel like an outsider, watching the "normal people" as they go about their automatic existences. For every time you say club passwords like "Have a nice day" and "Weather's awful today, eh?", you yearn inside to say forbidden things like "Tell me something that makes you cry" or "What do you think deja vu is for?". Face it, you even want to talk to that girl in the elevator. But what if that girl in the elevator (and the balding man who walks past your cubicle at work) are thinking the same thing? Who knows what you might learn from taking a chance on conversation with a stranger? Everyone carries a piece of the puzzle. Nobody comes into your life by mere coincidence. Trust your instincts. Do the unexpected. Find the others..."

― Timothy Leary

...I'm worried that I might be ignoring some of "the others"

I mean, in my mind I have already found "the others", but I still worry about that individual out there who hasn't.

I was alone for a long time, not alone in the sense that there were no people around me, but alone in the sense that I felt like I couldn't relate to anything or anyone around me. I wasn't necessarily crestfallen with this concept, quite the opposite, most often I would find myself thinking "thank God I am not like them"...

Then for a while I thought that perhaps I could act as a catalyst in transforming others, the idea was simple enough, "give the psychedelics away". ...however all too often I would find that I could induce a peak experience for a person, but that was about it, people could have these experiences and within a matter of days revert back to their old jerk of a self. So I abandoned that method.

At this point, the only people I care about are the girls, appleseed (my chemistry teacher and spiritual guide), and our psychedelic family.

The outside world can say what they want about me, think what they want about me, and even try to brake me, however, at this point they are nothing more than an annoyance, to be tolerated for the times when I have to be around them, but never for a single second could I ever waste even the slightest amount of energy in worrying about these people's thoughts and opinions of me.

I actually miss Her.

Maybe she has vacation days, maybe Her schedule changed so that we Will not be running into one another anymore, who knows, but I haven't seen her since early last week.

Now I'm just surrounded by the people I'm trying to avoid.


I have frequently been having issues with individuals invading my space and intruding in on my sphere existence. I am a respectful and polite person, so of coarse I deploy all of the the tactics which someone with manners would use to keep unwanted interactions at a minimum, yet some people just don't get it.

hee roy kuay!

肏你祖宗十八代 (cào nǐ zǔ zōng shí bā dài)

I miss the mornings of seeing the beautiful brunette from 26th street.

I need to refocus on love.

It's Wednesday.

I really hope the beautiful brunette girl from 26th street is just on vacation, but all and all its more likely that her schedule changed and that I won't be running into her anymore.

...now my morning is devoid of beauty. Her presence alone was enough to leave me feeling great all day.

...now on my morning journey its mostly just a bunch of creepy guys around that I refuse to even acknowledge. I get criticized a lot for it, but I can't stand males, I find nearly the entire gender to be completely repulsive. Even today on the bus some guy sat in a seat by me and I had to get up and move, the male presence induces and intense revulsion and annoyance in myself, its almost torture for me to be around males. Opposites attract, I guess that's how I rationalize it, think of holding to magnets, when opposite charges interact the magnets are drawn together, when the same charges interact the magnets repel each other. Like a magnet I'm drawn to my opposite, females, and repulsed by the similar, males.

In the end I guess these people I encounter on my mourning commute are mere annoyances. Though recently I have been doing far better at dealing with people who I don't necessarily like. I've been happier and feeling better than ever. I can thank my girls for that.

Ayela, Delilah, Eliza, and Melanie have changed my life. I'm still not sure if it was the psychedelic compounds or the group sex while we were under the influence, but ill never be the same. Psychedelics dissolves boundaries and dissolve ego, they dissolve the individual. Now, group sex also dissolves boundaries and dissolves ego, and when combined the experience is indescribable. All boundaries are dissolved, the boundaries between yourself and your partners, the boundaries between waking and dreaming, the boundaries between life and death, and so on.

These girls are far more open and adventurous than myself, specially in terms of sexuality, yet there was never any point where I was uncomfortable. Its not just constant sex, a good deal of the time me and the girls are naked and snuggled up while high on psychedelics, and at times that can turn into sex, sometimes between only two of us, sometimes the whole group. Its a really natural flow of feeling and physicality, nothing is forced, its a really Taoist like style love making.

Its also spiritual in many ways, I was reminded of my karmamudra and tantric yoga and meditation practices only this was with 4 girls instead of one.

...don't get me wrong, I felt as though I had died and gone to heaven, I felt like I was the luckiest man to ever walk on this earth, and I'm still riding an ecstatic and euphoric high from the experience.... ...however, it wasnt a one time thing, these girls do this a few times every few months, and I'm always invited. I actually have some novel psychedelic aphrodisiacs that I can't wait to start experimenting with, as I know the girls will really love these compounds.

I can die happy now, will say that much.

I had been really frustrated in the fields of love and sex, and these girls completely fixed everything, I actually don't think that I will ever be the same.

One of these girls produces, stars in, and sells female erotica from her webcam, two of these girls are a couple, and another of these girls is a meditation instructor who is an expert in tantric and karmamudra practices as well as kama-sutra, and so on... and aside from all of this, as I said, these girls are all INCREDIBLY open and adventurous when it comes to sexuality. People always assume that the male would be the "pervert", when in this case these girls are far more "perverted" than I could ever be.

I owe these girls more than they will ever know, seriously, they changed my life. ...and all it took was my psychedelics and their good loving. ...as well as their friendship, advice, support, and encouragement. Sexuality was the one area that I was never able to fully explore in a psychedelic regard, at least not to the extent that I can with these girls, which is just another reason why I am so grateful to these girls, and why I would do anything for them, I feel like I owe them, even though they don't see it that way.

One downside is that I can't discuss these things, I mean aside from the fact that nobody would believe me I would be judged and criticized, its just not worth it. I guess that's why I have to type here, its the only way I have of venting my excitement.

Another downside is that I'm looking to be in a monogamous relationship with a nice girl that I want to start a family with, and the whole "psychedelic sex with multiple women" deal is a guaranteed way to scare off a potential wife.

Ultimately it's in my best interest to just go about my life without ever saying anything about me and the girls activities.

I'm still looking for a monogamous relationship, I want to find a single girl that I can give all my love to and start a family with, and when I find this girl the only sex I will be having will be with her (unless she wants to bring other girls into it).

I wish I would have said something to the beautiful brunette girl from 26th while she was still around. I REALLY hope she is just on vacation, though for some reason I get the feeling that she may be on a New schedule, and that I won't be graced by her presence again.

...if it turns out that she was just on vacation, and I do see her again, I'm going to just say "fuck it" and talk to her...

!

Oh, wow, were you actually reading these?

...pretty weird stuff, huh?

So you can understand why this is the only place that I have said anything about it. Nobody in my real life except the girls really knows.

... though my neighbours and enemies have started referring to me as "Charlie" as in "Charlie Manson" simply because they only see me with big a group of "hippie" girls or by myself... I find it pretty offensive, seriously, I'm not leading anything, if anything these girls are leading me, but whatever, it's really not important.

Like "lucid optics" said "represent yourself not your enemies and demons"

In better news I saw the girl from 26th today! It made my morning!

it's all better news.
just takes a bit of joy to transform experience

Yeah, it's strange how I enjoy having the brunette from 26th around, even if I'm not interacting with her.

I saw her again today. As always it doesn't seem like she is ever going to say anything to me.

I think I like it when she is around because then at least the potential that we will interact exists, well, that and I just feel warm and comfortable around her.

...though I still feel I have been fully transformed recently.

I'm not sure if it was the psychedelic drugs or the sex with four girls simultaneously while I was on the psychedelic drugs, but I'm definitely not the same, all for the better I might add.

sex with four girls while tripping would do something deep to anyone. good on ya, mate. sounds like you needed a lot of what you got. hope it was fun for all!

It was as if I was Dionysus and the girls were the maenads who had just finished running naked through the hills euphoric, intoxicated and sex crazed, to find Dionysus waiting for them, and in their frenzied state they nearly tore Dionysus to pieces during the wild orgiastic love making that ensued.

However...The girls did know that I had been struggling romantically and that I had been somewhat frustrated sexually and I'm sure that to some degree they saw it as giving me a gift that I badly needed.

...I'm built athletically, I'm skinny but incredibly muscular, yet those girl's wore me out, it feels like I did ten billion sit-ups, my stomach muscles ache every time I move, or cough, or laugh. I haven't had a workout that left me feeling sore in years...

In all seriousness, if I knew anybody was reading these posts I never would have said anything about it.

I'm looking for a monogamous relationship, I want to find a nice girl that I can put all of my love and energy into and who I can dedicate myself to fully. I want to start a family with a girl that I truly love and who I can grow old with. ...and talking about "psychedelic orgiastic sexual experiences" really doesn't help me in that area, which is understandable.

I haven't told anybody in my real life. I mean, people know that me and the girls are probably up to some pretty weird stuff, but I still don't feel like going around telling people about these things is going to do me any favors.

...I'm still riding a euphoric high from that night, and I had to say something somewhere, I was just hoping that nobody would read it.

I still have an incredible attraction to this gorgeous brunette girl from 26th street, and I want to focus on her. She is perfect. Most girls have trouble understanding the difference between "sexy" and "slutty", but this girl is naturally sexy while just being herself. Plus, she is responsible, she is hard working, and she has a good head on her shoulders, so aside from being the most incredibly gorgeous and amazing beautiful girl that I have ever encountered, she is also respectable and posses many admirable traits. I always feel warm and comfortable around her, and I would give anything just to have a chance with her.

Though if you have never explored sexuality on psychedelics I highly recommend it.

I thought that I knew the full potentials of the sexual experience before I started exploring sexuality and psychedelics with some of my closest female friends, and wow, it's clear now that I knew nothing.

And at the centre of that impulse is the shaman: stoned, intoxicated on plants, speaking with the spirit helpers, dancing in the moonlight, and vivifying and invoking a world of conscious, living mystery. That's what the world is. The world is not an unsolved problem for scientists or sociologists. The world is a living mystery: our birth, our death, our being in the moment – these are mysteries. They are doorways opening on to unimaginable vistas of self-exploration, empowerment and hope for the human enterprise. And our culture has killed that, taken it away from us, made us consumers of shoddy products and shoddier ideals. We have to get away from that; and the way to get away from it is by a return to the authentic experience of the body – and that means sexually empowering ourselves, and it means getting loaded, exploring the mind as a tool for personal and social transformation. -terence McKenna

and the way to get away from it is by a return to the authentic experience of the body – and that means sexually empowering ourselves, and it means getting loaded, exploring the mind as a tool for personal and social transformation. -terence McKenna

The society is trying to cure itself by an archaic revival, by a reversion to archaic values. So when I see people manifesting sexual ambiguity, or scarifying themselves, or showing a lot of flesh, or dancing to syncopated music, or getting loaded, or violating ordinary canons of sexual behaviour, I applaud all of this; because it's an impulse to return to what is felt by the body – what is authentic, what is archaic – and when you tease apart these archaic impulses, at the very centre of all these impulses is the desire to return to a world of magical empowerment of feeling. -terence McKenna

Quote from: Intrepid_traveler on December 01, 2018, 11:36:08 AM
I still have an incredible attraction to this gorgeous brunette girl from 26th street, and I want to focus on her. She is perfect. Most girls have trouble understanding the difference between "sexy" and "slutty", but this girl is naturally sexy while just being herself. Plus, she is responsible, she is hard working, and she has a good head on her shoulders, so aside from being the most incredibly gorgeous and amazing beautiful girl that I have ever encountered, she is also respectable and posses many admirable traits. I always feel warm and comfortable around her, and I would give anything just to have a chance with her.

If you're still differentiating among girls as "sexy" or "slutty," you have a long way to go. But doesn't everyone.

Every girl is sexy and beautiful. Some just lose sight of that because of the worse aspects of this world. What they think the world demands for them to be loved. Guys have their own struggles too, of course.

And, yes, people read posts here :)

I can understand how the "sexy" and "slutty" could be taken in an offensive manner, but if you actually knew me and my views on females I'm sure you would have taken the statement as intended.

I was thinking more along the lines that a girl doesn't have to look like a Barbie-doll or a pron-star to be considered sexy, and that not all guys find a hyper-sexualized and objectified appearance to be attractive.

I was saying that this girl was naturally attractive while remaining herself, and that even though she doesn't fit the stereotypical ideal of what modern culture considers sexy, and even though she wasn't wearing skimpy clothing or projecting a hyper-sexualized image, that to me she was far more sexy than that stereotypical hyper-sexual ideal anyway.

I wasn't trying to judge females who prefer a sexualized fashion, and I wasn't trying to say that women are not beautiful.



...I'm sure people read posts here, its just for some reason I figured that nobody cared about anything that I had to write, and that so long as everything I write was confined to a single thread that it would simply be ignored.

I mean, recently I have been working with psychedelics in relation to sexuality. I never fully was able to explore this aspect of psychedelia in the past, and to be honest I probably wouldn't have been ready when I was younger, but now that I am grown and mature and now that I have a group a girls that I love and trust, and who are incredibly experienced in when it comes to sexuality, specially in relation to psychedelics, the time for this exploration is perfect. However, as its obvious that I am going to be misjudged or criticized, I do my best to NOT talk about this stuff unless its with an appropriate audience.

In the link below you can somewhat get an idea of what these psychedelic group love events are really like, only in our situation its only me and four girls, no strangers allowed, we all love and trust each other, we are all taking entactogenic/aphrodisiac psychedelics and we are not clothed and will engage in sexual activity, but its basically the same type of people and vibe as those featured in the link below.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=HhGs6slruSY

https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://www.youtube.com/watch%3Fv%3DHhGs6slruSY&ved=2ahUKEwiV_eKPg4TfAhVHz1QKHeHnD-oQwqsBMAF6BAgMEAg&usg=AOvVaw0eYfSvfJUburdKVKTqPYiR

(For some reason it only let's me copy and paste the mobile YouTube url with the "m" in it, and that it doesn't work for everybody, if it doesn't work for you go to YouTube, it is titled "Dawg's Cuddle Party" CadetMPLSHappy 21,141 views)


We actually have "cuddle parties" as well. Honestly, I think everybody should do this, its great for building empathy and connecting with others, it helps remind us that we can love anybody as they were our family.

As a feminist I felt I had to explain, at least in regards to how you responded to that comment.

When I said I wouldn't have posted about me and the girls if I knew people were reading this its because I know that the majority of people will never understand. I know that most people don't have 3 or 4 close friends who they love and trust and who they can explore these things with, and I know that when it comes to sexuality and psychedelics that people usually misinterpret it as senseless hedonistic fucking, you really cant explain to them the empathy, love, oneness, beauty, connection and transformation that composes the core of these experiences. Psychedelic sexuality is selfless and centered on love, closeness, oneness, transformation, and sublime ecstasy, its the exact opposite of dirty, hedonistic, and pointless fucking.

Regardless, I would prefer to keep the lovemaking and psychedelic taking explorations between me and the girls private.

After it happened I was euphoric, I'm still euphoric from it, but just after it happened I had to say something, I was hoping that I could vent my excitement here and that pretty much nobody would see it.

I suppose you are free to think about it what you want, though I was hoping that if anywhere I could get some understanding here.

intrepid, considering that this is your poetry/prose thread, why not keep it on topic? Start a new thread, on another forum here at spirit plants, to keep on exploring other topics

I suppose I could do that, though I honestly prefer to keep all my posting confined to a single thread on a single site.

I tried starting discussions
http://www.spiritplants.org/forums/the-medicine-lodge/why-lsd-lasts-12-hours/msg34766/#msg34766

http://www.spiritplants.org/forums/the-medicine-lodge/neural-plasticity-and-psychedelics/msg34765/#msg34765

http://www.spiritplants.org/forums/the-medicine-lodge/serotonergic-psychedelics-and-personality-change/msg34767/#msg34767

http://www.spiritplants.org/forums/the-medicine-lodge/psychedelic-drug-use-associated-with-reduced-partner-violence-in-men/msg34768/#msg34768

Yet nobody responded, and to be honest the available topics already have a billion responses or are uninteresting.

...and I'm sure that my posting here still qualifies as prose.


I don't mind responding, if someone misinterpreted my writing surely I have a right to respond, no? I wanted to clarify what I was saying, I was trying to explain how some girls feel they need to look like Barbie-dolls or "porn stars" to be considered sexy, and that this is absolutely not the case, these girls are beautiful exactly how they are.

Any way, maybe change the name of the thread to "intrepid_traveler's bullshit thread" or something more fitting.

This is the candy for this weekend.

The pills are 2C-B, 5-meo-dipt, and a small portion is MDMA. I pressed a few hundred of these on a single pill press for Halloween, but because they were more than just MDMA it seemed nobody wanted to compulsively re-dose, which I saw as a good thing, though it did leave me with a surplus of these pills...

The mushrooms are golden-teachers (stropharia cubensis) but there's only 14g in that bag, so I'm getting more.

I've always seen my daily ramblings as similar to the amphetamine fueled prose of Jack Kerouac.

Watching Jack unroll what looks like a sheet of paper towels but which is in fact the continuous piece of paper he typed his book on, and jacks style of prose, all reminds me of the daily rants and ramblings I post here...

I think it is prose.

Just before Halloween I purchased the bit-coins, I had everything set up. The foxy was coming from Japan, and was labeled "ゴメオ". The 2c-b and MDMA were ordered through a different supplier.

I nervously waited for the package to arrive, "did customs raid my stash?" I wondered. "I am going to get busted?"
In the end the package arrived without issue. The product was hidden in a headphones package which was stuffed with this bubble-wrap nonsense. It took me a while to actually find the stuff, for a while I thought I had just spent a ton of money on some cheap headphones.

After sorting the stuff, weighing out the ratios, and going to work with the single pill press, I had finally obtained my final product. Beautiful, white, non-stamped pills.

When I first met Melanie she would describe all of the fun things she wanted to try out "if she could only get the psychedelics", and being that she was an incredibly pretty girl that I really liked I foolishly blurted out
"I can easily get whatever you want".
'Reallyyy?" She replied.
At that point I had pretty much trapped myself into making it happen, so I started shopping for product that night.

In the mean time I still had a good deal of WoW blotter LSD, I thought I had more than I could ever eat and was bent on giving most of it away, until I met Melanie, now all of that LSD is reserved for me and her, and her friends, and now that we have call these fund things to do with it it seems like there's never enough.

A few years back I mastered pybop condensation of lysergic acid with diethylamine, and to this day its the most worthwhile and ultimately valuable thing that I had ever learned, and I thank God every day that I had background in chemistry enough to master the synthesis fairly quickly. Casey Hardison's pybop notes were helpful, but it was ultimately David E. Nichols technique that I ended up pilfering for my synthesis.

These compounds are catalysts to love, empathy, understanding and gnosis, they seem to be able to temporarily dissolve our programming, and with it our neuroses and baggage. They allow us to see that we are all connected...

Here is an example of connection between humans which we deny: the other day I was on the bus, and I looked over at a pretty girl in the car next to me, and as I looked at her she instantly turned and looked back at me. It was as if she could 'feel" my eyes on here, or as if I was able to reach out and tap her on the shoulder just by looking at her. We all experience this, and we know it can't be chemical or pheromones or anything like that. ...to me it seems to imply that we are all connected in ways which we refuse to acknowledge...

For as much as some people claim to not be stalking me online, and even impersonating me online, everything I post really seems to get through.

For example: yesterday I was at the bus stop and I saw this girl who I dislike headed to the same stop, so I walked about 15 feet up the road to wait for the bus just so I wouldn't have to talk to her. So, she obviously saw me walking away when she walked up, and in the past she has seen me go to the next bus stop down just to avoid her, so it should be clear that I want her to stay away from me, yet she decides to walk up to me and start talking. Who sees someone politely avoid them and then walks up to talk to them? I mean, she actually had to go pretty far out of her way to bother me, seriously, what's this girls deal?

Well, aside from having to deal with the "creepy queen" at the bus stop the other day things have been going well. When I saw the "creepy queen" today she just shuffled passed me, thank God, hopefully she figured it out and I won't have to out right tell her to stay away from me...

I saw the girl from 26th Today and I'm happy to report that I felt almost nothing! I still think she is beautiful and has a good heart and soul, but I no longer have any urge to interact with her or be romantically involved with her.

My life changed when I met Melanie. Before Melanie my life was on a certain track and headed in a certain direction, and at that point the girl from 26th would have been perfect for me, but then I met Melanie and everything changed, my goals and priorities were rearranged, and at this point the girl from 26th couldn't possibly fit into my life, and strangely enough, I don't want her to anymore. Its as if all the desire to have her as a partner vanished completely!

Today I didn't even notice she was there until I was about to leave, and when I did look at her it was a totally different feeling, I still felt love for her, but it was more of a platonic compassion than romantic love. It was great not feeling nervous or wanting to talk to her, it was great knowing that if she did talk to me at this point it really wouldn't matter, my interest in that area has passed, and now I barely notice when she is around.

Time has specific properties, and within those properties lay specific opportunities, if the girl from 26th would have talked to me a few weeks ago I would now be fully devoted to her and centering my life around doing everything that I possibly could for her and doing everything possible to be keeping her happy, yet, too much time had passed and the situation had changed drastically to a point where a connection would be impossible.

Its funny to think how different things could have been. You know? If the right person were to talk to you at the right time it could change everything. Yet if that same person talked to you at a different time it would have absolutely no impact at all.

Its nice to think about all that I could have done for the girl from 26th, I know I could have made her beyond happy and given her an amazing life... but clearly she wasn't interested, and moving on and just letting it go was always the best option.

Melanie changed my life in ways that I can't even describe, and will give thanks to her and tell the world that I love her every day. I love you Melanie, as well as Eliza, Delilah and ayela, if others could only understand all the love that I have found and the world of happiness that you girls bring to me...

Any way, I can't thank you enough! Somehow you knew exactly what was needed for me, and what was needed to get life moving, ill never be the same. You girls are a bright and warm light in a cold and dark universe, you are goddesses in your own right and are a shining example of all that makes life beautiful. I can't even express my absolute gratitude, thanks and gratefulness for all that you have done, and I feel that I will be forever in your debt. Any way, I know that there's a time and a place for all the sentimental praise, and that you girls don't log into this account often, but I hope that when you read this it brings a smile to your face and reminds you that I am fully yours.

Another beautiful day that I am thankful to be alive.

I saw the girl from 26th today, and again, I almost didn't even notice that she was there. I still like her, and I would still give her a chance, but I am also fully happy if nothing ever happens there, and I'm surly not going to make anything happen there, its up to her and her alone.

Though if I were to date the girl from 26th I would have to stop seeing my girls, which is another reason why it has to be her choice, I'm not going to give up all that I have unless I know she really wants me.

I don't think the girl from 26th could ever get along with my girls...

Two of my girls star in, produce, and distribute all female erotica from the house. Its always made from the safety of the house, and its usually just solo stuff from the webcam or lesbian group sex, so these girls are incredibly open and adventurous sexually. It actually took me a while to get used to, but it really doesn't bother me any more. I actually think its pretty cool that they are making erotica that is 100% female produced and that only stars females, and I think its awesome that only females are getting any money from it. The girls love it, I mean, they are already sex fanatics who don't mind showing off their bodies, so they feel it's empowering to be able to get paid for it, and I fully support them.

Then there is Melanie and ayela who are my sweet little darling hippie chicks, they are really not into the the whole female erotica thing, though they are just as open and adventurous sexually, the girl from 26th might actually be able to get along with these girls, but who knows.

Regardless, I'm pretty sure I would have to give up my friends if I were to have a chance with the girl from 26th. So, again, it has to be her choice.

I never had a chance to explore psychedelics and sexuality in the past. I had explored psychedelics in relation to spirituality, in relation to creativity and art, in relation to gaining gnosis and understanding life and death, in relation to meditation and yoga, and in relation to just about every other area, yet when it came to sexual psychedelic exploration I never had the proper opportunity until recently. So I have been incredibly happy to have been given this opportunity and to have been given this opportunity with some of the most beautiful, intelligent, creative and special girls that I have ever met, not to mention that these girls are mind-blowing in bed, and are always showing me some new tricks and improving my performance. I want to fully explore sex with psychedelics, and I want to keep doing it with the same four girls, the only thing that would make me want to stop is finding a girl to begin a monogamous relationship with.

Ultimately I want a nice girl to settle down and start a family with, and ill give up my activities with the girls the instant that happens.

This is why I decided that if the girl from 26th wants me, and if she makes the effort to get me (though it really wouldn't take much effort, she would just have to say "hello, you are mine now" and that's how things would be) then I would be happy to be hers, I would stop seeing the girls and devote myself fully to her and only her, but she has to make the effort. I'm not going to force the situation, and I'm not going to initiate the situation. If she comes and claims me I will be hers and only hers, if not I will keep seeing my girls until I find a nice girl that I can settle down and start a family with.

Still, another beautiful day where I am loving life.

"Dawg's Cuddle Party" video. Funny one. Couldn't tell if it was some kind of staged for film event. Did anyone offer to cuddle the camera-person?

Quote from: cenacle on December 06, 2018, 11:38:38 AM
"Dawg's Cuddle Party" video. Funny one. Couldn't tell if it was some kind of staged for film event. Did anyone offer to cuddle the camera-person?

I really don't think much of it was staged.

That clip is from "an idiot abroad", the point of the show is basically to make the host Carl as uncomfortable as possible for laughs, so I'm sure the producers told those people to really pick at poor Carl. ...but other than that I can't imagine that much was staged.

Hmm... if I was the camera man I would have wanted to participate.

I'm not fearful of straying out of my comfort zone, and I truly enjoy and embrace new and novel experiences. As long as the proposed experience is positive and doesn't harm anyone or anything then in most cases I would probably give it a try. I've participated in meditation groups, I've done various forms of yoga, I've experimented with brainwave entrainment through isochronic tones and binaural beats, I've worked with mindmachines*, dreamachines, I've done shamanic drumming and chanting, I've taken entheogenic plants and psychedelic compounds, and yes, I've participated in cuddle parties...

It all comes down to exploring the full potential of body and mind. There are experiences one can have in the human body which most would never predict would even be possible.

For myself, the psychedelic experience has been so thoroughly integrated into my life-stream that its difficult for me to imagine that there are some people out there who have never had this experience. It's as if there is a major section of human potential and human perception that most will never even come close to knowing. ...and his has always seemed odd to me.

* https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mind_machine

Eliza tells me not to ever give the slightest amount of trust to the girl from 26th street, she says I should stay away from her. She said just because she May have a good heart at her core doesn't mean that she has a good head on her shoulders. Eliza tells me that she has a good deal of cruelty in her, and that she is very aware of me, and that her intentions are bad. Eliza says she's confused and and has no sympathy at all for me, and since her views are distorted she can justify doing horrible things and still feel that she was in the right. Eliza says that the girl from 26th knows exactly who I am, and that if I knew her means of knowing who I am and if I knew some of the things she has done that I would know to stay away from her.

Eliza is never wrong about these things, and this morning I had Eliza ride the bus with me, she sat near the back of the bus with her hood pretty much over her face looking like she was almost sleeping. She wanted to see this girl and get a 'read" on her, and it turns out that Eliza knows who she is, and as you saw above she had nothing good to say about her. Eliza didn't say that she directly knew her, but she knows who she is.

Bummer, in another life we could have made a great couple. I can't imagine who or what would poison this girl on me, and Eliza didn't say very much, she mostly just told me to stay away from her and that under no circumstances should I trust her, she says I shouldn't even sit near her. She says not to post anything online about her either and she gave me the impression that this girl was well aware of all I had written, but again, Eliza didn't want to say much.

Eliza knows everybody and has been everywhere, and I know she knows more than she was telling me at that moment, its usually for my own good when she holds things back from me, she knows that timing can mean everything, and that if I play my cards right I can come out on top of this thing.

Eliza very rarely says negative things about anybody, so when she does I tend to listen.

I don't always just listen to Eliza, but I'm definitely going to keep all of that in mind.

I can't think of any reason why Eliza would warn me about this girl unless it was justified...

Ill give the girl from 26th the benefit of the doubt for now, but eliza's whole reaction was really not what I expected.


Such a strange day...

My enemies are weak right now, and have been resorting to desperate tactics, and defeat for them is certian, for I have truth on my side and the grace of God at my back, and all they have is slander, and a fickle mistress named luck.

Well, they also have friends who will willingly and gladly believe made up little stories and lies just because it suits their interests. I think these people are terrified that if the truth ever did come out that everybody would like me and everybody would hate them you would not believe the time and effort these people spend trying to make me look bad, I mean, seriously, it must take up a huge portion of their life. Its dedication on an outrageous level, and must dominate these people's minds. All they can think about is me, its pretty sick.

I've never seen anybody put so much effort into trying to make others think that someone was a homosexual, which speaks to the intelligence and maturity of these people, and mean its outrageous how much effort is extended on that one area, even if I were gay how is that an insult? Its 2018 not 1956, convincing people that I'm gay isn't going to get me hung by the neck in town square, and honestly it Bentsen hurt my business with the ladies, but whatever, it's their waste if a life.

... they know that if others liked me that these same others would realize how fake they were and not like them. So, just like you would expect people who live in a fantasy dream land rather than reality would do, they created lies, rumours, and hoaxes to try to make me look bad and accept them as fact, coming out the truth and the real world for their little fantasies.

These people will write some really sick things when impersonating me, and it made me think, these people have to be sick in the head just to think of this stuff, and that in reality those are their true thoughts...I could never think of those things, you would have to be sick to even generate such ideas, so while everybody is sitting around freaked out at me because of the lies they just told them, its really them that everybody should have those feelings for, they are sitting right next to horrible, disgusting, sick and perverted people while not even knowing it. Do you think if these people knew that it was really their friends words and actions and that it was all the creation of their friends minds that they would still be friends with them? The answer should be no, but sadly these people live in a fantasy, they would rather believe horrible lies about me when they know the truth is that kts their own friends who are sick and fucked up.

Whew, that felt good to vent. I went on that same rant on a site that some of these people post on and was instantly banned, which means I hit a sore nerve, I was getting to the truth of the matter, and I was doing so publicly.

.... They can't stand the thought of others being my friend because they feel so inferior, and they know others would realize how fake and full of shit that they had always been.

These people are motivated for all the reasons below as far as I can tell, but rather than talking about my faults they are simply making faults up, they even go as far as impersonating me, regardless, the excerpt below very clearly outlines their motivation,

... they will tell people "he doesn't know what he is talking about" if they don't buy that they say "he is crazy" if they don't buy that they say "he is homosexual" and if the people still don't think poorly of me they will impersonate me,any way, below describes part of their motivations:

QuoteAnother situation in which we speak about others' faults is when we're angry with them. Here we may talk about their faults for a variety of reasons. Sometimes it's to win other people over to our side. "If I tell these other people about the argument Bob and I had and convince them that he is wrong and I'm right before Bob can tell them about the argument, then they'll side with me." Underlying that is the thought, "If others think I'm right, then I must be." It's a weak attempt to convince ourselves we're okay when we haven't spent the time honestly evaluating our own motivations and actions.

At other times, we may talk about others' faults because we're jealous of them. We want to be respected and appreciated as much as they are. In the back of our minds, there's the thought, "If others see the bad qualities of the people I think are better than me, then instead of honoring and helping them, they'll praise and assist me." Or we think, "If the boss thinks that person is unqualified, she'll promote me instead." Does this strategy win others' respect and appreciation? Hardly.

Some people "psychoanalyze" others, using their half-baked knowledge of pop psychology to put someone down. Comments such as "he's borderline" or "she's paranoid" make it sound as if we have authoritative insight into someone's internal workings, when in reality we disdain their faults because our ego was affronted. Casually psychoanalyzing others can be especially harmful, for it may unfairly cause a third party to be biased or suspicious.
http://thubtenchodron.org/2011/06/harmonious-speech/

they live in a fantasy dream land that has no connection to the real world, they believe their own lies as fact and ignore reality, they choose to accepted fairy tales and made up little rumours and stories as their "real" world. Some day they are going to have to come out of their fantasy little dream world and face reality and accept the the truth.

Ok, car ride is over and my brain hurts from all that typing...

Another beautiful day that I am grateful to be alive and well.

...life would be perfect if I could only eliminate the influence of my enemies.

Day by day I get closer to bringing the truth to light.

I spent a little time on the mountain,
I spent a little time on the hill,
I heard some say "Better run away",
Others say "Better stand still".

Now I don't know, but I been told
It's hard to run with the weight of gold,
Other hand I have heard it said,
It's just as hard with the weight of lead.[/u]
-grateful dead ; new speedway boogie

good to listen to the Dead. clears the head

The dead's lyrics are full of incredibly valuable wisdom that one almost has to live their way into understanding...

I think that's part of the beauty of Robert Hunter and John Perry Barlow's collaboration efforts in producing the words to these songs, this is real poetry presented in jam band format.

The dead's music is there to ease our pain, to give us guidance and advice, and to give us wisdom, love, and community.

Regardless, the dead are so much more than a rock and roll band.

Its like the African parable of the blind men and the elephant, everybody has a different idea of exactly what that thing was. ...and jerry meant it to be that way, jerry Said that "when you leave something undefined it becomes everything", so it makes sense that nobody ever attempted to place a set definition of what the dead was, and when I say the dead I'm not just talking about the band, I'm talking about the ever moving, ever changing and constantly evolving community and culture as well as the band.

A dead show is going to be reassuringly familiar and refreshingly new every time it's experienced. All of the things that you recognize as being part of the dead show experience are still in place, yet it's also very clear that things had managed to change, grow, and evolve into something novel, new and beautiful that has seemed to incorporate itself right into the woodwork of the familiar.

The psychedelic experience itself tends to be that way as well, it's "reassuringly familiar, and refreshingly new" every time it's experienced. The familiar signposts of a psychedelic experience are still there, yet somehow you always encounter something completely new and unexpected each time. Every time you think you have seen it all, and that there will be no more surprises, the thing manages to conjure up something you never could have predicted or imagined.

I think I have discerned the reason why psychedelic sexuality is so misunderstood.

Most can't differentiate the difference between true eros and the devalued perversion of eros which has been disseminated to the masses and programmed into the individual through various means.

So while I am talking about eros, oneness, love, ecstasy, and the most sacred and spiritual aspects of sexuality, all most can think about is filth for filth's sake. ...then when you start talking about sex with multiple partners or orgiastic sexuality people really start becoming uncomfortable.

It seems most can't differentiate "eros" from "being horny", and furthermore only understand sexuality in a very shallow, basic, and utilitarian form.

Most people's sex is very ego centered, its a rush to an orgasm and seems to be fully focused on self, even the pleasure given to their partners is for some self gratifying purpose.

...if you need a cigarette after sex your probably not doing it right.


Any way, I'm still exploring psychedelic sexuality with my friends Melanie, ayela, Delilah, and Eliza. I think since we have been incorporating spiritual aspects into our group sexuality it has managed to reach deeper levels. I'm reminded of tantric yoga and karmamudra practices, only with several girls instead of one. Sometimes we can reach pretty intense spiritual/sexual states without even using the MDMA, 2c-B, 5-meo-dipt, or LSD as catalysts.

I still think LSD is one of the best compounds for orgiastic sexuality.

Any way, below is an excerpt where McKenna briefly outlines eros:

QuoteEros and the Eschaton, these are the two areas that I think compromise the old paradigm and give permission to hope and strangely neither of these words is that well known, which gives you a measure of how completely the dominator position has squelched,subverted, and down played any opposition to its world view.

Eros we know about in some kind of devalued schticky kind of glitzy waybecause we get it in the eroticization of media, and society, but really what eros means in the Greek sense is a kind of unity of nature a kind of all pervasive order that bridges one ontological level to another. -terence McKenna

Mind of psilocybin
by Joey Iaquinto (lucid optics)

Observe and interpret
Up from the core to the surface

We are tenuous flicks of scintillation
Given an invitation to take a position in this pulsation

Life is death's vacation
As a child I was a vagrant
Learned every home held it's own fragrance
Differing versions of sacred decorate each person's faces
They complicate the basics till the common ground is evasiveness

Is it strange
Who takes the cake weighs most?
And swallows hope of the masses
To live lavishly
Lay low

Found our way around this molecule
If we can scrape by in solitude
We'll climb grape vines when all of you
Shape this world how you wanted to

I'd like to eat well
And to Keep companions closer than the common recluse
spewing seclusion in conclusion

Good leaders are no different than their followers
However elitists breed the fetus like it's Jesus...
Fucking... christ!
Dictated its life
Without realizing that your mind is yours for finding
Close your eyes and dive in privacy

We treat each other like garbage
Are we mimicking our surroundings?
Are we parrots with what we found
Or parasitic?
Killing our grounding

Astound I wither toward the grave
My fire flickers
As this unrelenting winter turns fingers to decrepit splinters
My voice is in different locations
I'm a nuetrino to lucid adjacent
Communicating statements without leaving my current placement

Listen:
Even when your will to be awake plummets and breaks
Don't be so distant and faceless
Just perforate the stasis

And represent yourself
Not your enemies and demons
Represent yourself
Not your enemies and demons]

It can be easy to grudge on autopilot for awhile
But you can probably cut some slack to people when
They can't make you smile

Free yourself from your own grip
Start to make some of your own shit

The first night I met Melanie we had both been at a small get together. Most of the people there were on one psychedelic or another, and on that particular night myself and Melanie had both been taking rather high doses of LSD.

I was incredibly intoxicated on LSD and wanted to have a minute to myself, so I found what I thought was an empty room and locked the door behind me. I then sat down near the door, still never thinking to turn on the lights. The room was pitch dark. I had just started to relax thinking that I had finally found some space where I could be alone, when I heard a small sneeze, I must have nearly jumped through the roof, I damn near had a heart attack, and let out a loud yell while I was being startled. After a moment of confusion and bad noise I realized that there had been a crying girl curled up in a ball not more than 4 feet away from me.

This was the first time that I had met Melanie.

She had been going through an incredibly rough time in her life and the LSD had induced a state of deep intense emotional and psychological introspection, one of those states where you feel like crying for all of humanity, where you become deeply compassionate, empathetic, and deep feeling, and feel an emptiness and feeling of isolation as you weep for all tragedies that have befallen every sentient being to ever exist.

In these states you also tend to dive into your own psychology, often facing the fact that your a jerk many times a moment, while deeply feeling isolation, and often you just want to get away from everything and enter a catatonic processing state. This is how Melanie was feeling when I first met her. Melanie had also been dealing with some pretty terrible stuff which wasn't entirely in her control, and on top of that she had just left a tumultuous friendship in which she had been hurt and done wrong many times.

I sat and listened to her for hours, doing all that I could to comfort her, and on several occasions we both ended up holding each other in our arms crying. It was a pretty intense and emotional night. As the Sun was starting to rise I began playing guitar, and with Melanie cuddled up closely by my side I played and sang the song below for her.

She said she was already feeling much better just through our conversations, and through my efforts to comfort her, but she said when I played and sang this song for her that it really had a deep and profound impact, she said she was overcome by intense warmth, comfort, and happiness, and that she could feel a genuine love and compassion which seemed to ease all of her suffering, lift all of her burdens, and reminded her that she wasn't alone, that there was someone who understands her and who will always be there for her.
 
...any way...

...I've been up all night having sex with two girls on entactogenic/empathogenic psychedelic aphrodisiac substances and I'm still pretty exhausted mentally as well as physically, but I promised Melanie I would post a story about our meeting.

Melanie, I know you had a rough morning, and I wanted to post this so that when you log into my account today you will have a pleasant reminder of how much I love you, as well as a reminder that everything is going to be just fine, just keep your head up, and good things will come to you.


I love you my darling Melanie.

Life Goes On
by Iya terra
Lift up your head weary one
I see that sorrow in your eyes
Life got you down again
But you've got to realize
It takes time to learn, it takes time to grow
So be patient and be kind, And
If you ask with ease and grace
All that you seek you will find[/u]

Dust to dust and ash to ash
This too shall pass in the time, and you
Got to trust, yeah you got to trust
Good things coming in time,
and Life Goes On.


And you can count on me to be the one
That's never gonna leave you lonely
Count on me to be the one
That is gonna love you always,
When you're feeling sad and blue
I'll be there to see you through, so
Don't cry no more
I said don't cry, my darling Melanie

True it takes some time for one to refine
The steps upon the path you are leading
The harder the pursuit, it remains the truth
The harder it will be to achieve it

And though you feel like giving up
When the path gets rough
You must be strong, life must go
Don't cry, my darling, don't cry

Dust to dust and ash to ash
This too in time shall pass, and you
Got to trust, yeah you got to trust
Good things coming in time

and Life Goes On



And you can count on me to be the one
That's never gonna leave you lonely
Count on me to be the one
That is gonna love you always,
When you're feeling sad and blue
I'll be there to see you through, so
Don't cry no more
I said don't cry, my darling Melanie.

Give Thanks
by Iya Terra
Well if your lost and alone don't worry cause your already home, And i know its a long long road but i'm ready to go
I found beauty and the balance in between all the highs and the lows, So as long as i can sing my song then i'm ready to go, i'm ready to go

For whatever gonna come my way,
yes i just give thanks, I give thanks
All the struggles and the troubles and the sorrows
yeah i just give thanks, give thanks
Don't worry about tomorrow, your living today, give thanks, you gotta give thanks, its all gonna be okay. we just give thanks, you know we give thanks.


I give thanks for this love that your giving me
My love is like an ocean and i got no worries
I'm sailing through the on under the forbidden sea
Well I've been chasing the sun but its gotten eventually
Wave gets rough and i'm not giving up
This place is not forsaken and your memories are sacred
When life gets tough never stop looking up
Give thanks for this life, my soul

For whatever gonna come my way, yeah i just give thanks, give thanks, All the struggles and the troubles and the sorrows. i just give thanks, give thanks
Don't worry about tomorrow if your living today, give thanks, you gotta give thanks
Yeah. its all gonna be okay. we just give thanks, you know we give thanks

because there is no force strong enough to destroy love
And the more that them push and them pull
The more that they unite us
Love and respect
Iya Terra
That's why it's strictly Love & Respect
Is all that I and I know
So no time for your bad bad vibes when I and I a slide through
Strictly love and respect is all that I and I know
So no time for bad vibes
Open up your mind
Open up your eyes
Open up your soul, you will find love
Just open up your soul


Cause we are sentient beings
Given strength to defend all defenseless beings
So Know yourself and know just what compassion means
Say trod lightly
No need for senseless killing, Oh Jah have mercy
Love & Respect & Mercy

Iya terra - stand strong
Wake up!
We are going to rise with the sun
We haf fi get the day agwon, so early in da morn'
And I take a little draw, give thanks and praises to the most high

I give thanks some dreams never die
We have to keep the dream alive so when the times get hard,
Only the strong shall survive
Alongside the humble and the righteous kind

We say...
We have to stand strong
Have a little faith in love
Cause our time has come!

Positive! People!
Living in a world of confusion
Said we got to reach up to the sky...

Positive! People!
Living in the world
So much confusion
One love, one love

Well I've heard so many things since my time has begun
A student of the Earth until my time is done
And we won't judge no one, we won't judge no one
Never, ever, ever will I judge no one

My brother!
I respect your beliefs
Can't let yourself become your own enemy
Well
It's up to you to make the change
Don't want to be living in vain no more.

We have to stand strong
Give it and you will get love
Because our time has come!

Positive! People!
Living in a world of confusion
Said we got to reach up to that sky..

Positive! People!
Living in the world of
So much confusion




One love, one love

Stand strong...
Stand strong, in love

Stand strong...
Stand strong, in love

As I Walked Out One Evening
W. H. Auden, 1907 - 1973[/u]

As I walked out one evening,
   Walking down Bristol Street,
The crowds upon the pavement
   Were fields of harvest wheat.

And down by the brimming river
   I heard a lover sing
Under an arch of the railway:
   'Love has no ending.

'I'll love you, dear, I'll love you
   Till China and Africa meet,
And the river jumps over the mountain
   And the salmon sing in the street,

'I'll love you till the ocean
   Is folded and hung up to dry
And the seven stars go squawking
   Like geese about the sky.

'The years shall run like rabbits,
   For in my arms I hold
The Flower of the Ages,
   And the first love of the world.'

But all the clocks in the city
   Began to whirr and chime:
'O let not Time deceive you,
   You cannot conquer Time.

'In the burrows of the Nightmare
   Where Justice naked is,
Time watches from the shadow
   And coughs when you would kiss.

'In headaches and in worry
   Vaguely life leaks away,
And Time will have his fancy
   To-morrow or to-day.

'Into many a green valley
   Drifts the appalling snow;
Time breaks the threaded dances
   And the diver's brilliant bow.

'O plunge your hands in water,
   Plunge them in up to the wrist;
Stare, stare in the basin
   And wonder what you've missed.

'The glacier knocks in the cupboard,
   The desert sighs in the bed,
And the crack in the tea-cup opens
   A lane to the land of the dead.

'Where the beggars raffle the banknotes
   And the Giant is enchanting to Jack,
And the Lily-white Boy is a Roarer,
   And Jill goes down on her back.

'O look, look in the mirror,
   O look in your distress:
Life remains a blessing
   Although you cannot bless.

'O stand, stand at the window
   As the tears scald and start;
You shall love your crooked neighbour
   With your crooked heart.'

It was late, late in the evening,
   The lovers they were gone;
The clocks had ceased their chiming,
   And the deep river ran on.

As I Walked Out One Evening by W. H. Auden; 11th stanza
'The glacier knocks in the cupboard,
   The desert sighs in the bed,
And the crack in the tea-cup opens
   A lane to the land of the dead.

This stanza of this poem has always stuck with me, I have always found it to be a deeply psychedelic verse, with deep personal implications and meaning. This excerpt means a lot to me, so I figured I would share, in the process I was reminded at how beautiful this poem is as a whole and felt I had to post the work in it's entirety, however, I also decided to post this excerpt in it's own section and address it's deep personal significance and meaning in relation to myself.

Why would these people think I'm from the south? I visited Florida for like 5 months one time, but I'm not from the south and I've really never been there for extended period of time. More proof that these people don't know me or anything about me.

Couldn't find any pictures of the girls that I could post, well, maybe one, you really can't see much in the picture, and I was only able to take like two pictures before being dragged in.

and may the year end well and begin with a new day's energy

Things have finally begun to settle down. All of December leading right up until the 4th of January has been incredibly hectic and it took up until today for everybody to readjust from "party mode" back into daily life.

My birthday is in early December, so that's around the time that the party began...

I have always been a user of the "I ching", and as a result the girls have been trying to show me astrology and tarot.

As far as astrology goes, I think there is some accuracy there, the personality traits for "Sagittarius", which is my sign, fit me perfectly, however I feel the whole "daily horoscope" thing has been so overdone and diluted that it's nothing that reasonable and rational people need to have anything to do with.

The tarot deal I like a little more, I enjoy the aire of strangeness to the cards and the theatrics involved with giving a good reading.

My friend Eliza is an actual gypsy, she lives in an RV which she had converted into a rather beautiful small house on wheels, and she does palm reading, tarot readings, astrology, and so on to make a living, she also sells handmade jewelry and body-oils and incense. Eliza has been teaching me tarot. I'm still a skeptic, but I love the strange, the unusual, and the otherworldly, so I can't help but indulge.

**¡This last Friday I saw the girl from 26th that I'm attracted to!**It had been so long since I had seen her that it caught me off-guard. She sat right next to me, and I was so happy to see her that I wanted to give her huge hug. I haven't seen her again since that Friday. (I don't care if one of my friends told me to stay away from her, I'm still totally enamored with this girl, and I doubt that is going to change.)

...so, during a tarot reading Eliza mentioned a "sexy stranger" that I have a crush on, and the reading that came up in relation to her said something along the lines of:

"You like to step back and study your circumstances before you make a move, but sometimes if you wait too long to make a decision it ends up being made for you. You have met someone who is going to slip through your fingers if you don't start putting out the right signals. You know what those signals are so start flashing the green light for go!"

...the funny thing is, this is the same advice that everybody has given me since I first saw the beautiful brunette girl from 26th.

...The beautiful brunette from 26th street, my darling sweetie sugaree, sweeter than a sugar-cube of LSD.

...I just assumed that she always knew she had "the green light", and I was more or less waiting for my darling sugaree from 26th street, (sweeter than a sugar-cube of LSD) to shake things up on her own.

...yet even Eliza and her tarot cards tell me that if I just make the right moves things could work out in my favor with her, it all seems to come down to me having to make all the first moves and set everything in motion.

I guess it doesn't matter anyway, I doubt that I'm going to see her again. I went from seeing her at least 4 days of the week to almost never seeing her at all, which is sad, she always brightened up my morning with her warm and comforting aura and bright and charming beauty.


I was told that she knows exactly who I am, and that she knows that I am in love with her, so I can't understand why it's on me to make all the first moves...

Its strange that I could easily have my pick of women, and I even have a small group of amazingly beautiful girls who are incredibly open and sexually adventurous, yet I still want to have a monogamous relationship with the girl from 26th street. I want her and only her.

Though love is what I've got, and I have so much love to give.

The girl who works at my cannabis store had her hair done differently the last two times I saw her, it looked really good, and I wanted to tell her, but for obvious reasons didn't. Its always bothered me that I can't tell a girl "you look amazing today" or "you new haircut makes you look really pretty" without that girl taking it as an advance. I mean, I can understand, it's just always bothered me that for certain reasons I'm not able to tell the gorgeous girl that she looks really pretty with her new haircut, well, I could tell her but I can guarantee she would take it the wrong way.

Ok, I'm done rambling.

Well, not quite.

I almost had a chance with this girl Sara once. We were friends, we lived in the same neighborhood and would hang out most days when we where younger. We were always just friends, which was totally cool, I loved having her as a friend, but I was also really attracted to her. Then, there was a short time where we were coming close to getting together, one night we got drunk and danced and made out, another night we ended up heavily making out (and I guess everybody there said we were fucking though I can't remember it), but then, before anything could progress with her, another girl, who is now my most hated ex, swooped in and ruined everything. So, I ended up with this terrible girl, and Sara ended up getting with one of my friends. I still think my biggest regret was that I actually had a chance with Sara L. One of the hottest girls I know, and that I completely ruined it, and worst off that I ruined that chance and ended up with my ex. I think my ex could see that me and Sara were starting to get close so she did everything in her power to make me get with her before I could get with Sara. Actually, that was a really low point in my life, so it's probably better that we didn't hook up then, but damn, aside from my darling sugaree from 26th street, Sara L. is the only other girl that I have a really deep attraction towards. I guess I always knew that Sara was way to good for me, and I was still totally happy just being her friend. Damn, I wish I didn't mess that all up. If I ever get the change again, believe me, I won't waste it. (Plus now I have a good life, I have money, property, and so on... I wish I could even have her back as a friend... )

The song below reminds me of Melanie, and this is allergy thread:

She lit a burner on the stove and offered me a pipe
"I thought you'd never say hello, " she said "You look like the silent type."
Then she opened up a book of poems
And handed it to me
Written by an Italian poet
From the thirteenth century.
And every one of those words rang true
And glowed like burning coal,
Pouring off of every page
Like it was written in my soul
from me to you,
Tangled up in blue. -J. Garcia

I saw the beautiful brunette girl from 26th today. She sat right next to me, and I could feel my heart race, quietly I was hoping and praying that today would be the day that she would finally make a move, yet, unfortunately neither of us did anything. I sat there dumbstruck unable to do or say anything in the presence of the beautiful angel sitting across from me, and she sat there, probably frustrated, and probably thinking to herself "why won't he do something?"

We really are a lot alike. It seems like we both feel the same and we both react the same and consequently it leads absolutely nowhere for either of us.

I'm incredibly happy that she has been around recently, there were a few weeks there where I almost didn't see her at all, and I thought I might have lost her forever. This last Friday, and today, (Thursday) have been the best days I have had this year simply because I got to be near her.

I want her to talk to me.

What can I do to be more inviting and approachable?

...I mean, is this girl really so much like me that we would both be content sitting next to each other doing nothing, each waiting for the other person to make a move?

...Dont be afraid to shake it up now my darling sugaree, you have the green light, I'm already yours, there's nothing that you need to add or do aside from simply letting me know that you would be willing to give me a chance.

I know we would have a FIRE connection, I can feel it just sitting across from her, and I know the chemistry between us would be intense. I can feel electricity between us even when we are quietly sitting three feet apart.

***¡¡¡Ill do all I can to be more approachable, but my beautiful brunette darling girl from 26th street, who is sweeter than a sugar-cube of LSD, it's time for you to make a move and let me know that you want it too. I'm already yours, all you have to do is come and claim me and ill be fully devoted to you and only you forever!!!***

There's no limit to what I would do for this girl, I've never encountered someone who would be so perfect for me in my entire life. I tried to ignore her, I tried hooking-up with other girls to get her off of my mind, I tried looking for another girl that reminded me of her, yet in the end I still want her and only her. I don't know what it is about her, but she is incredible, I've never wanted to be with someone so much in my entire life.

...I always have all of these ideas of things that I could do for the beautiful brunette girl from 26th, from gifts and unique and romantic ways of giving them down to the simpler things I would do daily just so she knows how beautiful, special, and amazing she is.

I swear, I would surpass every expectation and would always be finding ways to surprise her, I mean, I know on the surface that I don't look like much, but I'm full of all kinds of hidden talents, skills, and strengths that most would never even suspect that I have, and I know that I could keep her happy.

I saw my beautiful brunette darling girl sugaree from 26th street on Friday. She sat next to me. I thought she was going to talk to me a few times, but when I'm nervous I give off uninviting body language which makes initiating conversation difficult. At one point I dropped a piece of paper that landed near her feet, which I promptly picked up, though I was too scared to make eye contact with her while I was retrieving the paper.

I know I can be difficult to approach, specially when I am dumbstruck by the presence of such a beautiful girl, but I am working on it.

I've been told that the beautiful brunette girl from 26th street  knows who I am, and that she knows that I am in love with her. If this really is the situation then I can't understand why she doesn't simply claim her place beside me.

She has nothing to worry about, she already knows that I am completely enamored with her and that my attraction to her is more or less unconditional, and she already knows that I would be willing to do absolutely anything for her, so there's no risk on her part. She doesn't have to worry about impressing me, or being rejected by me, or anything like that, she is already absolutely perfect just the way she is, all she has to do is simply be herself, she doesn't have to add anything, or try to do anything special, I'm attracted to her exactly the way she is, the only thing she needs to do to obtain a lifetime of my love and devotion to her is to come and tell me that she wants to give me a chance.

What a bizarre night...

My head is still in a psychedelic spin.

I was turned inside out.

...good God.

Everybody assumes that the life of a clandestine psychedelic chemist must be a lot of fun, which it is, but it's also incredibly isolating. I have to sacrifice normalcy in every manner just to produce the molecules that I love. I can't make new friends, and if I do I have to constantly keep them away from my actual life. I can't even blow up on my enemies, the other day one of them said something rude to me and I wanted to punch their lights out, but because I had 26g of MDMA in my backpack I had to ignore them and just keep moving.

There are only 3 people who know about my work, and believe me, I understand that at any point their knowledge could come back and bite me in the ass. Its exhausting.

Its a reclusive life, you can't tell anybody what you are doing, and for the sake of self-preservation you really don't want to.

At least I have the girls. The girls know I'm a chemist, and since they consume first hand the products of my labor they know what type of chemist I actually am, yet I don't have issue here, these girls don't know where the lab is, they don't know where my actual house is, and most of them would tell you that they don't even know my real name (which of coarse they do know my name, but when my little sugarees decide to shake things up they know to tell them that they don't know me) so there's no risk there, well, not much of one any way.

An older hippie friend of mine always tells me that I am the reincarnation of John Griggs, only with the combined chemical talent of albert hofmann and sasha shulgin, and I think that myself and Mr. Griggs really did have a ton in common, particularly when it came to our outlook on psychedelics.

...words can't change minds and lives they way that a psychedelic experience can. Psychedelics can remove our neurosis and show us how to live with one another and love one another, it's not a coincidence that the great San Francisco acid wave and the summer of love occurred simultaneously. Psychedelics allow us to see that we are all the same and that we need to love and support one another, there is no "us" and "them", we are all in this together.


...damn, what a night. Strange thoughts looming in from the time fog on this cold January morning. Still in a state of utter disbelief and not yet fully emerged from my cloud of intoxication I contemplate the vicissitudes of my past and present, such strange memories roll through my exhausted mind.

We have entered a time where materialism is running rampant and where greed is back in style. It doesn't surprise me that this newer generation thinks that the 1980s were such a "cool" decade, as they embody the same aspirations and attitudes of that time.

The psychedelic experience is the greatest tool we have for navigating our species way into a viable future.

She Sat right next to me, the whole time I would catch myself wanting to put an arm around her, or would almost burst into conversation, then I would remember that I don't really know this girl and stop myself.

The beautiful brunette girl from 26th street, my darling sugaree, sweeter than a sugarcube of LSD, what's stopping you from being with me?

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Eq7QHvToQts

Well, if Eliza is right, and this girl knows exactly who I am, and she knows I'm in love with her, then I can't understand what's stopping her. I mean, if she knows I love her and wasn't interested she could always choose to sit far away from me, or catch a different bus all together, if she wasn't interested why would she sit right next to me every time?

Anytime you decide to shake things up my darling sugaree you will know where to find me, and if you ever want pure love and total devotion all you have to do is say so.

Eliza tells me a lot about this girl.

I saw her today. She sat next to me again. Eliza says I should be creeped out, she thinks it's strange that this girl knows who I am yet pretends she doesn't and still sits next to me every time I see her. Eliza says if I knew her I would want nothing to do with her.

I still can't say, I mean, I like her, and I know it's beyond just wanting to fuck her, I actually her, yet all of my friends say she is poison and to avoid her.

...I wish she would speak up on the matter. I mean, how hard is it to say hello?

There was a typo, it was supposed to say "I Actually like her".

This is such a strange situation, even with Eliza and the things she says set aside, it's still a strange situation.

I really really like this girl, I think she is perfect, and even if by some chance Eliza was actually telling the truth I honestly don't care, I still think it would be better for me to take my chances.

The thing is, I honestly believe that I could see her every day for the rest of my life and she would just quietly sit next to me, and it's kind of driving me crazy, she is really not making any of this easy for me.

I know in person I can be somewhat difficult to approach, but at the same time, I very publicly proclaim my love for this girl online nearly every day, and if Eliza is not lying to me this girl is very aware of it.

If Eliza is lying, and this girl doesn't know who I am and doesn't know that I am in love with her then there have been some incredibly improbable coincidences, but it's still possible.

I'm actually hoping that Eliza is right and this girl already knows I'm in love with her.

One of these days I'm not going to be able to ignore her and will have to just get things moving. I just wish to God that she would just say hello.

...ill probably end up saying something stupid the first time I talk to her. See, she is lucky, I already love her for exactly who she is, all she has to do is be herself and I would always be more than happy to love her, while in my situation, it's all an unknown, ...it's strange, I feel incredibly comfortable around her, yet she still makes me really self-conscious, I feel like I'm not going to be what she wants, and of coarse I'm going to be myself for better or worse, I guess I'm just worried that she won't like who I am. ( I'm actually an incredibly caring, compassionate, good hearted and loving person, but I still worry that maybe she just won't like me)

and in situations like this I am almost guaranteed to end up with a broken heart, but I still feel she is worth it. This girl really is special, and I would do absolutely anything for her.

If you're ever in need
There's no limit to what I'll do
Work eight days a week, baby
And give it all to you
That's what love will do for you
That's what love will make you do
No matter how hard I fight
Baby, I'm still in love you
When they speak of beauty
You can stand the test
When they talk about making love
Baby, you've got to be the best
That's what love will do for you
That's what love will make you do
-jerry Garcia

...that song is a little exaggerated for the situation but the sentiment is the same, which is "I really like this girl and I would do anything for her."

I want this girl for exactly who she is, there's nothing she needs to add, or do, she just needs to be herself and I would give her a lifetime of love and devotion. I would give her anything that her heart desires and would be dedicated to her and only her.

I'm going to take what Eliza says with a grain of salt for now,

I really thought today was going to be the day she finally made an effort to talk to me.

I had been up all night taking MDMA with friends and was still dressed in "party cloths", so I had on a pair of really nice denim jeans, a brand new shirt, and some new kicks, which even though they are skate shoes they are the 2001 osiris D3's so they almost look like sports shoes, or moon boots, so it felt kind of strange to sport them, but they were so damned comfortable after a while I forgot about how silly they look, seriously, its like having pillows strapped to your feet... Anyway, I was brain dead from coming off of the MDMA and dressed like a psychedelic rich-boy clown, so needless to say I was quite a bit more shy than usual.

I must look pretty foolish sitting right next to this amazing girl trying as hard as I can to ignore her...

I think she needs to just walk up and slap me in the face. ...though with how shy I am she could probably walk up and sit in my lap and I would still be pretending like I didn't notice her.

Seriously though, she needs to walk up and tear off my headphones and say "stop being so shy and start making me happy"

Seriously though, eventually one if us is going to crack and things will get moving from there, either I will get a chance to love her or I will be rejected, regardless, it will be the end of this awkward "let's sit next to each other and wait for the other person to initiate interaction" phase.

Either she likes me, which I hope is the case, or she is just fucking with me, which is what Eliza thinks is going on.

...I wanted to say to Eliza "if she was reading my online declarations of love for her, why would she not just create an account here and say hello?

Its a crazy situation...

I HOPE she knows I love her, and I know she knows where to find me everyday of the week besides Sunday, I hope she can get over whatever is stopping her from either giving me a chance or rejecting me and just get it over with.

...I know in this situation I'm pretty much guaranteed to end up with a broken heart.

Still, all she has to do is say she wants so and I would give her a lifetime of love and devotion , she just has to make that simple first step and I will be hers and only hers.

What else could I say? If she was reading this what could I say? "Look, I'm shy, I can be hard to approach, and I'm sure this introduction situation is going to be awkward for both of us, but I think I'm in love with you, and I would do anything and everything I could for you, all you have to do is show me that you want it, just get things moving and I will always stay by your side, you have nothing to worry about, I love you for exactly who you are, you are perfect just by being yourself, and I know that there is so much I can do to make you happy, you just have to tell me that you will give me a chance.

...I can't understand why she wouldn't at least give me a chance. I'm not that bad looking, I actually have a body like Bruce Lee, but since I always wear large and baggy clothing there's no way anyone would really no that, any way, I know I'm not the best looking guy, but it's not like I'm horrible looking or anything, and I have a good heart...

Its Friday, and the beautiful brunette girl from 26th street is only around on Wednesday, Thursday, and Fridays, so all I can do is hope and pray that next week will contain my lucky day.

Spent the morning freeze precipitating 1-allyl-2,5-dimethoxy-3,4-methylenedioxybenzene from the commercially available essential oil of parsley...

I have been really into the magic of essential oils and the phenylpropenes contained within them.

piperine ((2E,4E)-5-(2H-1,3-Benzodioxol-5-yl)-1-(piperidin-1-yl)penta-2,4-dien-1-one ) for example, is found in black pepper, (the type you shake onto food as a spice) and can be converted into Piperonal. Piperine can be converted to piperonal by ozonolysis and oxidative cleavage with potassium permanganate and tetrahydrofuran, the piperonal can then be converted into 3,4-methylenedioxyphenyl-2-nitropropene (MDP2NP) and 3,4-methylenedioxyphenyl-2-propanone (MDP2P) which can then be converted into 3,4-methylenedioxy-n-methyl-amphetamine, MDMA. So, with the right set of chemistry knowledge and skills one can start with common black pepper ( Piper nigrum) and end up with MDMA.

Speaking of MDMA from common food sources, this one usually surprises people, vanilla extract. One can extract vanillin from common vanilla extract. The vanillin can then be converted to piperonal (3,4-methylenedioxybenzaldehyde) by demethylation with pyridine and aluminium chloride followed by methylenation with DCM (dichloromethane), and, as before the piperonal can be converted into 3,4-methylenedioxyphenyl-2-nitropropene (MDP2NP) and 3,4-methylenedioxyphenyl-2-propanone (MDP2P), which can then be converted into MDMA.

Its funny that if one wanted to do so they could obtain their starting materials from the local grocery store, and I'm sure you could buy as much vanilla extract, black pepper and essential oil of parsley as you want without anyone ever thinking "this person is manufacturing psychedelic empathogen/entactogens"

...however, it has been brought to my attention that a chlorinated analogue of piperonal (6-chloropiperonal) was created during the oxidation process. The 6-chloropiperonal present after the oxidation process eventually leads to 2-chloro-4,5-methylenedioxymethamphetamine (6-Cl-MDMA) being present in the end product. Very little data exists regarding 6-chloro-MDMA's pharmacological properties, (though I don't see why the compound would not display some similar pharmacological properties to MDMA) so its always been a concern that this compound is most likely the result of synthesis....

Being a clandestine chemist is boring, and as I said before, its very isolating. Even if I wanted to discuss chemistry with people in my daily life none of them understand it. ...just like everything else. Nobody has ever heard of Terence McKenna, Nick sand, tim scully Alexander shulgin, David E. Nichols, and so on, none of them have ever read Plato, Heraclitus, or even William Blake, it seems they don't even know basic world history. Uggghh, the other day I was speaking about how Hannibal had led his Carthaginian army over the Alps in 218 BC, and how he had even managed to take war elephants with him, bringing the war directly into Italy through a route which the Romans would have deemed impossible, and the person I was speaking with (from ARTS) interrupted me and started talking about cannibals and Hollywood films, then it hit me, this person had no idea who Hannibal even was, this person thought I was talking about "silence of the lambs"... I began to feel sick to my stomach and ended the conversation.

Its funny though, you can easily mess with them, the "dihydrogen monoxide" bit is one of my favorites, and most people never figure it out. It shows that people don't pay close attention (and that people who don't understand chemistry really fear it)

Its so frustrating dealing with the majority of people I encounter.

Okay, I've got to get back to the lab.

Thank God there are intelligent, educated, free thinking, and good hearted people out there, they are few and far between, and are never easy to find, but thank God they exist,

Very interesting but I doubt any of us have the knowledge to carry it out. When you say for example ozonolysis let alone demethylation we have no clue. We need cook book simple steps to do things but its interesting to hear what can be done

But feel free to post your thoughts, I'm sure a few have the knowledge to comment on them

...Actually, it's probably a good thing that in order to be able to even think about attempting these procedures you have to have a decent background education in organic chemistry.

I keep forgetting that people read this thread. Seriously, don't attempt any of the chemistry mentioned.

So I encountered someone who knew a lot about the grateful dead and a little bit about psychedelic culture and compounds, the kid wanted to take pictures of the patches on my vest and I reluctantly let him. I always think it's creepy when people do that, you always think they are stalkers, or the police, or people who want to impersonate you online or in real life, I mean, do you ever go around taking pictures of people's cloths? (Actually, after the grateful dead this last June, literally the day after the show, I went to see some Tibetan Buddhist monks preform traditional chants and prayers at a church near my home, and at that event some girl asked to photograph my dead shirt, and I happily let her, but that was a far different situation. )

In all honesty this was not the type of person I had any interest in associating with, don't get me wrong, I'm happy to entertain brief conversations about drugs or music or chemistry or spirituality or whatever, but I never want to commit more than 5 or 10 minutes to these things.


It goes to show that a person can know about some of the things that you have interest in, and how you can still not want to associate with that person for anything more than a quick conversation.


For some reason this guys interest in these things seemed hollow and phony. I'm not saying that he wasn't truly interested in these things, there's no way I could ever really know that, I'm just saying it felt really rehearsed and devoid of passion. ...when it comes to myself, when I'm talking about the things I love, my enthusiasm borders on mania, it's incredibly obvious that these subjects truly mean a good deal to me. When it came to this guy I didn't notice any of this. ...that could just be the guys personality though, who knows. 


All and all, even though he was telling me that he was interested in some of the things that I am interested in, I didn't like him, this was not the type of person who I would associate with, I could not seem to connect with this person in any way, no matter how hard I tried.


I think it comes down to vibes and personality when I'm selecting friends, and interest in music, art, fashion, politics, drugs, and so on really don't make much of a difference. Some people have personalities which radiate light and life, these people are unique, passionate, and their sheer personalities seem to transcend the interests which most people need to define themselves.


...it wouldn't matter what music these people listened to, or what authors or artists they appreciated, their presence, intelligence, hora, vibes, enthusiasm, and individuality transcend all of these things.


I think this is why I have such a diverse group of friends, mostly because we are able to recognize that most people will cling to and define themselves by cookie-cutter cultural designs, the need set norms and  ideals to devote themselves to, which honestly to me seems like an excuse for free thought or a fear to be an individual. Isnt it so easy to say I am a "hippie" or "punk rocker" or "raver" or "insert cookie cutter cultural construct here", and to be able to say "hippies", or "rockers" or whatever appreciate this or that and believe in this or that, therefore I like this or that, and I believe in this or that. It all seems very antithetical to individuality and free thought.


Terence McKenna would articulate similar concepts:


We have to create culture, don't watch TV, don't read magazines, don't even listen to NPR. Create your own roadshow. The nexus of space and time where you are now is the most immediate sector of your universe, and if you're worrying about Michael Jackson or Bill Clinton or somebody else, then you are disempowered, you're giving it all away to icons, icons which are maintained by an electronic media so that you want to dress like X or have lips like Y. This is shit-brained, this kind of thinking. That is all cultural diversion, and what is real is you and your friends and your associations, your highs, your orgasms, your hopes, your plans, your fears. And we are told 'no', we're unimportant, we're peripheral. 'Get a degree, get a job, get a this, get a that.' And then you're a player, you don't want to even play in that game. You want to reclaim your mind and get it out of the hands of the cultural engineers who want to turn you into a half-baked moron consuming all this trash that's being manufactured out of the bones of a dying world."

― Terence McKenna


My group of friends, my tribe, truly are unique and individuals, so much to the point where we as a group don't even confirm to any defined culture or structured system of beliefs or values. ...well, we are all good-hearted people, and love and compassion are traits which we all share and embrace, and granted there are similarities between us, but that's not what brought is together and that is not what bonds us now.


Extraordinary people are not common, but they are easy to recognize when you find them. ...most of us have are eccentricities, but that's not what I'm mms talking about here, it's a type of intelligence, heart and soul, as well axe broad and abstract understanding. 


...when I make an obscure reference or complex humorous remark or just express my thoughts in general  need need to elaborate or explain, These people have the intellect where they can easily understand unique, abstract, and obscure viewpoints, even more brilliant is they can fully and easily understand they view points and thoughts of the common person.


...so, it's not like a person can just walk up and say "I know about albert hofmann, or Alexander shulgin, or the grateful dead and expect me to automatically like them or be their friend, I mean, all those these are interests of mine, but I don't define myself by any of them, they are just things I enjoy, and I think because of this I relate to these things in a far different way than the people I am talking to who know about some of this stuff.


...actually, I seem to get along much better with people who are interested in things that are different from my own interests, I like to obtain a new perspective and learn about something new.

ozonolysis is where ozone is used to cleave the unsaturated bonds of alkenes, alkynes, or azo compounds. oxidative cleavage is cleaving carbon-carbon bonds to generate carbon-oxygen bonds, in this case using potassium permanganate and tetrahydrofuran (tetrahydrofuran acts as a solvent and KMnO4 is serving as the oxidizing agent) to cleave piperine into piperonal.

when looking at the 2-dimensional structure of piperine vs. Piperonal it is quite a bit more obvious what is occurring with this reaction.

Was there something specific you were interested in?

I saw her today. I wasn't expecting to see her until Way later in the week, so when I saw her walking to sit next to me my heart jumped into my throat. The weather this morning was freezing, there were high winds and the snow from the night before was caught blowing in the wind, so I was wearing my snow clothes. I looked terrible, wearing some green carhartt double leg work pants, a snow hat, some redwing work boots, and a long sleeve green blue and purple grateful dead tie dye, the one with the skeleton in the boat and lighthouse on it. I felt pretty self conscious....

She was sitting right next to me while I was working on a 2,5-dimethoxy-4-methyl-amphetamine synthesis work up in my notebook, and I was doing my best to pretend like I hadn't noticed her...

When I looked up and saw her walking to sit down I must have had my eyes directly on her, it took me a me a second to realize that it was her, I almost never see her on Mondays, she had a black and white patterned scarf that when combined with color on her coat and the fur lining around her hood really brings out the beautiful brunette color of her hair and makes her eyes gleam brightly. She looked amazing. I don't know how she can look so good just after 5 am on her way into work, but every time I see her she looks phenomenal.

...she has to be the most gorgeous girl that I have ever seen. She carries herself with confidence and respect and has has a manner about her which drives me wild.

...though it's driving me insane that she won't give me a chance.

I'm pretty sure Eliza is right, and that she knows exactly who I am. Eliza says she is mean and has nothing bad bad intentions towards me, which might be true as well, but if that really is the case I guarantee she has no real reason to dislike me or have bad intentions towards me, and that if she would just spend some time with me I know I could change her mind.

...or, let's say she is a stranger, and she doesn't know I love her, and doesn't have bad or good intentions towards me, and it's just pure coincidence that her actions correlate to things I'm saying about her, wouldn't it then be easier for her to just say hello? I mean, she sits 3 feet away from me about half of the days of the week, and there's this strange awkward electricity that I can feel between us from the moment she gets on the bus (not to mention I can tell that we would have a fire connection if she have me a chance) it's obvious that there is something going on...

She looked so beautiful today, I think that black and white patterned scarf really makes her look pretty.

One day she will be able to get over all the nonsense, and be able to let go of everything she thinks she knows about me and this situation and just let me give her a chance. I have a good heart, and there's so much that I can offer, I can give her anything she wants, not to mention that I could give her the best loving that she has ever had...

One day she will tap me on the shoulder and get things moving.

...even if she dislikes me, then why drag this out, if that was the case you figure it would be way easier for her to brake my heart.

The beautiful brunette girl from 26th street, sweeter than a sugar-cube of LSD, why must you remain content quietly sitting next to me? why are you content leaving this situation a mystery for me?

I have always been humble in this situation, I admit that she has the upper hand in every way, and that doesn't bother me, I want her for exactly who she.

I don't understand the situation with her at all, and I've always admitted that.

Wednesday.

I don't know how she manages to look so amazing at 5 am on her way to work, but it's incredible, she is always unbelievably gorgeous, but even at 5am on her way into work she looks outstanding.

She looked great today, I love her style, she was wearing the black and white scarf and her usual coat, she looked prettier than ever, it would be nice of I could tell her these things when I see her...

WHY WONT SHE GET MY ATTENTION?

It seems in that last Post I thought it was Monday when it was in fact Tuesday.

I was expecting to see her today, and as she walked over to sit next to me she looked as beautiful as ever.

I just wish she would take the step to get my attention, a simple hello would work fine, however, even if I wasn't publicly announcing to the world that I love her on a daily basis, it must be obvious that I like her. ...seriously, if she is single why not at least give me a chance? Worst case she doesn't like me and we leave it at that, she doesn't have anything to loose.

I'm told that I get everything in life easily, people have this perception that everything I want just falls into my lap or is given to me, and at times I feel that way as well... I don't think it has spoiled me in any way, but it does seem to draw some fucked up resentment from those who struggle for everything in life ...the point was I don't want this girl to be one of those things that I wanted and ended up getting. ...that, and, well, I don't fit into the structure of society in a traditional sense, I live a very unusual life, and I'm not sure how she would react to it, albeit I would change anything and everything about my life for this girl, so I suppose it doesn't really matter.

Honestly, I can tell that this girl would probably be a good deal of work, I mean, I don't think inviting over to the laboratory, or inviting her over to my house to watch Netflix, snuggle up on the couch and smoke hash, or inviting her over to eat mushrooms or LSD is going to do the trick, I'm guessing she would want to go out, which is fine, I would love to take her anywhere she wanted to go, and money means nothing in that situation, it's all for her as far as I'm concerned, it would just be a little bit different from the type of dates that I'm used to, but she is a special girl, and I would be willing to do anything for her. ...I should buy her a car, I can't drive, my license got revoked, but I could easily afford a car and insurance, and there's no reason why a beautiful girl like that should have to take a bus. Seriously, this girl is up early in the morning, ready to work, rain, shine, or snow, I really admire her for it...

Okay, I need to smoke some more hash before I can write any further...

...I've also got ton of chemistry work to complete, I've nearly completed the synthesis of two entirely new molecules, my beautiful little creations "2-amino-5-(2,5-dimethoxy-4-methylphenyl)-2-oxazoline and 2-amino-5-(2,5-dimethoxy-4-bromophenyl)-2-oxazoline. As far as I know I am the first to develop a pathway for the synthesis of these compounds.

I remember working with variations of 2-aminoindane in the past, I thought that placing methoxy groupings at positions 3 and 6 and a methyl grouping at position 5, (giving 3,6-dimethoxy-5-methyl-2-aminoindane) would produce a viable 2,5-dimethoxy-4-methyl-amphetamine analogue. As it turns out this idea was not original, and that the compound had been previously synthesized, however information regarding this substance is incredibly sparse and there still may be much value in exploring this compounds potential. I feel 2-amino-5-(2,5-dimethoxy-4-methylphenyl)-2-oxazoline is going to be far greater than 3,6-dimethoxy-5-methyl-2-aminoindane in terms of human response, in both cases the amphetamine moiety of the DOx series is being replaced with a structurally similar stimulant compound, and, as the human response to 2-amino-4-methyl-5-phenyl-2-oxazoline is far more favorable than amphetamine or 2-aminoindane, I can only see these compounds as producing an incredibly favorable effect in humans... but that's jumping the gun, at this point the synthesis has just been completed, albeit there are still many links to be worked out and many improvements that need to be made.

2-amino-5-(3,4-methylenedioxyphenyl)-2-oxazoline has been synthesized and to my knowledge it has even been explored, and if the 3,4-methylenedioxy homologue of 2-Amino-4-methyl-5-phenyl-2-oxazoline was a success it only furthers my notions that 2-amino-5-(2,5-dimethoxy-4-methylphenyl)-2-oxazoline would also be quite successful.

I was also researching 2-amino-5-(3,4,5-trimethoxyphenyl)-oxazoline fascinating stuff...

To the beautiful brunette girl from 26th street, my beautiful darling sugaree, every morning you know exactly where to find me, and you know that every day I only love you more, so if you want a lifetime of love, happiness and devotion all you have to do is come and sit by my side and say so.

Its that easy my beautiful darling girl, just come and tell me you are willing to give me a chance.

My beautiful darling sugaree from 26th street, Ill love you and only you forever. Ill do all that I can to give you anything and everything that you need my baby darling girl, I can guarantee you lifetime of good loving, and I can guarantee that my heart will belong to you and only.

Are you happier quietly sitting next to me?

Why not even talk to me here?

Ugghhh. Why not just reach out your arm the 2 feet of space that's between us while we are sitting by each other in the morning and tap me on the shoulder?

You could walk up and sit in my lap and I would probably still be pretending not to notice you, so you actually have to get my attention. I'm very shy, plus I get incredibly nervous, so I know my body language may seem like I am afraid or that I don't want to talk, but I promise, once you say hello things will move smoothly. ...actually, it might be pretty awkward at first, but whatever.

She knows that I love her For exactly who she is, there's nothing that she needs to change, or add, or do, she just has to be herself.

Even just sitting next to her I can feel this electricity between us, I know we would have a fire connection, and I can tell that in the bedroom things would be intense. ...and it's not just a feeling where I just really want to fuck her, I can feel an energy, like an electricity between us, and I k ow that physically and emotionally it would be a hot relationship.

Just another day like any other I suppose. The beautiful brunette girl from 26th Sat by me, neither of us said anything.

You guys think this is funny right?

(For those of you who didn't get it: In organic chemistry you learn the first positions as "ortho", the second positions "para" and the third as "meta"  then using "docs" you form orthodox, paradox, and as "doc" can mean physician, "meyaphysicians" )

Quote from: Stonehenge on January 19, 2019, 08:18:51 PM
Very interesting but I doubt any of us have the knowledge to carry it out. When you say for example ozonolysis let alone demethylation we have no clue. We need cook book simple steps to do things but its interesting to hear what can be done

(*Again, I strongly encourage that These chemical procedures NOT be attempted, even with the proper education, safety precautions, and laboratory equipment you are still venturing into dangerous waters legally* )

(*if you don't have at least three years college organic chemistry education or the equivalent thereof then you should not by any means attempt any reaction described* education and safety are key, one must know how to not only  safely and responsibly carry out these reactions, but also the proper manner in which to protect the surrounding environment, one must know how to safely store and dispose of potentially hazardous chemicals, do not attempt!* )

Here, visually it's much easier to understand what is happening. The piperine is extracted from it's plant source (Piper nigrum) and then is chemically cleaved into piperonal, put simply, the long "chain" on the piperine molecule is being chemically removed giving piperonal, I think that's about as basically as I can describe things, but if it's still not understandable I can try better.

See, I am doing work teaching some people this chemistry, and I have been told that I "move too quickly" and don't "explain things in a simple enough manner" so this is actually helping. Was there anything about the actual reaction you wanted to know?

I would have drawn out a flow sheet for you but I have concerns regarding letting my handwriting out, so I had to find one, I really don't like this one much, it left out the nitropropene intermediate between piperonal and MDMA, but I guess for this thread that really doesn't matter...

Honestly, I think that apiole, obtained from the essential oil of parsley, and it's aminated homologue 2,5-dimethoxy-3,4-methylenedioxy-amphetamine are far more interesting than any of the routes to.MDA or MDMA from natural phenylpropenes.

Shulgin's essential amphetamines still hold a degree of fascination and amazement for me, who would have thought that the herbs and spices humans have loved forever could be the source of compounds, that when aminated, become psychedelic molecules.

One must remember that the term "essential" has nothing to do with the meaning of needed, or required. The word's origin is essence, something with an odor or smell. Thus, the essential oils are those oils that have a fragrance, and the Essential Amphetamines are those compounds that can, in principle, be made from them by the addition of ammonia

1) The 4-methoxy pattern. The pivotal essential oil is 4-allylanisole, or methyl chavicol, or estragole (called esdragol in the old literature). This allyl compound is found in turpentine, anise, fennel, bay, tarragon, and basil. Its smell is light, and reminiscent of fennel. The propenyl analogue is called anethole, or anise camphor, and it is found in both anise and camphor. It is a waxy solid, and has a very intense smell of anise or fennel. At low concentrations, it is sweet, as in magnolia blossoms, where it is also found. The drinks that turn cloudy with water dilution (Pernod-like liqueurs, and ouzo and roki), are heavy with it, since it was the natural flavoring in the original absinthe. That drink was very popular in the last century, as an intoxicant which produced an altered state of consciousness beyond that which could be ascribed to alcohol alone. It contained wormwood, which proved to be neurologically damaging. The flavorings, such as anethole, are still big things in synthetic liqueurs such as vermouth. Old anethole, when exposed to air and light, gets thick and sticky and yellowish, and becomes quite disagreeable to taste. Maybe it is polymerizing, or maybe oxidizing to stuff that dimerizes. Whatever. These changes are why old spices in the cabinet are best discarded. And adding ammonia to any of these natural product oils produces, in principle, 4-methoxyamphetamine, 4-MA.

(2) The 3,4-dimethoxy pattern. The main actor here is methyleugenol, or 4-allyl-1,2-dimethoxybenzene. This is located in almost every item in the spice cabinet. It is in citronella, bay (which is laurel, which is myrtle), pimiento, allspice, pepper, tree-tea oil, and on and on. It has a faint smell of cloves, and when dilute is immediately mistaken for carnations. The propenyl analogue is, not unreasonably, methylisoeugenol, a bit more scarce, and seems to always be that little minor peak in any essential oil analysis. The compounds missing that methyl group on the 4-oxygen are famous. The allyl material is eugenol, 4-allylguaiacol, and it is in cinnamon, nutmeg, cloves, sassafras and myrrh. You taste it and it burns. You smell it and think immediately of cloves. And its property as an anesthetic, in the form of a clove, is well known in the folk-treatment of toothaches. Actually, flowers of clove (the gillyflower, like the carnation) are the small, pointy things that decorate baked hams and, when stuck into apples, make pomander balls. This anesthetic property has recently led to a drug abuse fad, called clove cigarettes. Very strong, very flavorful, and very corrosive things from Southeast Asia. The eugenol that is present numbs the throat, and allows many strong cigarettes to be smoked without pain. The propenyl analogue is isoeugenol, with a smell that is subtle but very long lasting, used more in soaps and perfumes than in foods. The amine addition to the methyleugenol world produces 3,4-dimethoxyamphetamine, or 3,4-DMA. The isomer with the other methyl group missing is chavibetol (3-hydroxy-4-methoxyallylbenzene) and is found in the pepper leaf that is used with betel nut. A couple of positional rearrangement isomers of methyleugenol are known in the plant world. The 2,4-isomer is called osmorrhizole, and the conjugated form is isoosmorrhizole or nothosmyrnol; both are found in carrot-like vegetables. They, with ammonia, would give 2,4-DMA. And the 3,5-dimethoxyallylbenzene isomer from artemisia (a pungent herb commonly called mugwort) and from sage, would give rise to 3,5-DMA. This is an unexplored isomer which would be both an antidote for opium as well as a stimulant, if the classical reputation of mugwort is transferred to the amphetamine.

(3) The 3,4-methylenedioxy pattern. One of the most famous essential oils is safrole, or 4-allyl-1,2-methylenedioxybenzene. This is the mainstay of sassafras oil, and it and its conjugated isomer isosafrole have a smell that is immediately familiar: root beer! These are among the most widely distributed essential oils, being present in most of the spices, including the heavies such as cinnamon and nutmeg. I am not aware of the 2,3-isomer ever having been found in nature. Adding ammonia to either would give MDA.

(4) The 3-methoxy-4,5-methylenedioxy pattern. The parent compound is myristicin, 5-allyl-1-methoxy-2,3-methylenedioxybenzene, and the source of this is nutmeg (or the botanically parallel material, mace). The nutmeg is the seed of the tree Myristica fragrans and mace is the fibrous covering of the seed. The two spices are virtually identical as to their chemical composition. Myristicin and the conjugated isomer isomyristicin are also found in parsley oil, and in dill. This was the oil that was actually shown to be converted to MMDA by the addition of ammonia by passage through an in vitro liver preparation. So here is the major justification for the equation between the essential oils and the Essential Amphetamines. Care must be taken to make an exact distinction between myristicin (this essential oil) and myristin (the fat) which is really trimyristin or glyceryl trimyristate from nutmeg and coconut. This is the fat from myristic acid, the C-14 fatty acid, and these two similar names are often interchanged even in the scientific literature.

(5) The 2-methoxy-3,4-methylenedioxy pattern. This is the second of the three natural methoxy methylenedioxy orientations. Croweacin is 2-methoxy-3,4-methylenedioxyallylbenzene, and it takes its name from the binomial for the plant Eriostemon crowei from the worlds of rue and the citrus plants. It corresponds to the essential amphetamine MMDA-3a. This oil is found in plants of the Family Rutaceae. My memories of this area of botany are of Ruta graveolens, the common rue, whose small leaves smelled to me, for all the world, like cat urine. This plant has always fascinated me because of a most remarkable recipe that I was given by a very, very conservative fellow-club member, one evening, after rehearsal. He told me of a formula that had provided him with the most complete relief from arthritic pain he had ever known. It was a native decoction he had learned of many years eariler, when he was traveling in Mexico. One took equal quantities of three plants, Ruta graveolens (or our common rue), Rosmarinus officinalis (better known as rosemary), and Cannabis sativa (which is recognized in many households simply as marijuana). Three plants all known in folklore, rue as a symbol for repentance, rosemary as a symbol of remembrance, and pot, well, I guess it is a symbol of a lot of things to a lot of people. Anyway, equal quantities of these three plants are allowed to soak in a large quantity of rubbing alcohol for a few weeks. Then the alcoholic extracts are clarified, and allowed to evaporate in the open air to a thick sludge. This then was rubbed on the skin, where the arthritis was troublesome, and always rubbed in the direction of the extremity. It was not into, but onto the body that it was applied. All this from a very conservative Republican friend!

The methoxy-methylenedioxy pattern is also found in nature with the 2,4,5-orientation pattern. The allyl-2,4,5-isomer is called asaricin. It, and its propenyl-isomer, carpacin, are from the Carpano tree which grows in the Solomon Islands. All these plants are used in folk medicine. These two systems, the 2,3,4- and the 2,4,5-orientations, potentially give rise, with ammonia, to MMDA-3a and MMDA-2.

(6) The 3,4,5-trimethoxy pattern. Elemicin is the well studied essential oil, 5-allyl-1,2,3-trimethoxybenzene, primarily from the oil of elemi. It is, like myristicin, a component of the Oil of Nutmeg, but it is also found in several of the Oils of Camphor, and in the resin of the Pili in the Philippines. This tree is the source of the Oil of Elemi. I had found a trace component in nutmeg many years ago that proved to be 5-methoxyeugenol, or elemicin without the 4-methyl group; it is also present in the magnolia plant. The aldehyde that corresponds to this is syringaldehyde, and its prefix has been spun into many natural products. Any natural product with a syring somewhere in it has a hydroxy between two methoxys. The amphetamine base from elemicin or isoelemicin would be TMA, the topic of this very recipe.

(7) The 2,4,5-trimethoxy pattern. There is an essential oil called asarone that is 2,4,5-trimethoxy-1-propenylbenzene. It is the trans- or alpha-isomer, and the cis-isomer is known as beta-asarone. It is the isomerization analogue of the much more rare 1-allyl-2,4,5-trimethoxybenzene, gamma-asarone, or euasarone, or sekishone. Asarone is the major component of Oil of Calamus obtained from the rhizomes of Acorus calamus, the common Sweet Flag that grows wild on the edges of swamps throughout North America, Europe, and Asia. It has been used as a flavoring of liqueurs and, as almost every other plant known to man, has been used as a medicine. In fact, in Manitoba this plant was called Rat-root by the Cree Indians in the Lake Winnipeg area known as New Iceland, and Indian-root by the Icelandic pioneers. It was used externally for the treatment of wounds, and internally for most illnesses. There apparently is no report of central effects. The corresponding propanone, acoramone (or 2,4,5-trimethoxyphenylacetone), is also present in Oil of Calamus. The styrene that corresponds to asarone is found in a number of plants, and is surprisingly toxic to brine shrimp. The older literature describes an allyl-trimethoxy benzene called calamol, but it has never been pinned down as to structure. The isolation of gamma-asarone or euasarone from Oil of Xixin (from wild ginger) has given rise to a potential problem of nomenclature. One of the Genus names associated with wild ginger is Asiasarum which looks very much like the name asarone, which comes from the Genus Acorus. And a second Genus of medical plants also called wild ginger is simply called Asarum. There is an Asarum forbesi from central China, and it is known to give a pleasant smell to the body. And there is Asarum seiboldi which is largely from Korea and Manchuria. It has many medical uses, including the treatment of deafness, epilepsy, and rheumatism. The amphetamine that would arise from this natural treasure chest is TMA-2.

(8) The 2,5-dimethoxy-3,4-methylenedioxy pattern. The parent allyl benzene is apiole (with a final "e") or parsley camphor, and it is the major component of parsley seed oil. Its conjugated isomer is called isoapiole, and they are valuable as the chemical precurors to the amination product, DMMDA. Whereas both of these essential oils are white solids, there is a green oily liquid that had been broadly used years ago in medicine, called green, or liquid apiol (without the final "e"). It comes from the seeds of parsley by ether extraction, and when the chlorophyll has been removed, it is known as yellow apiol. With the fats removed by saponification and distillation, the old term for the medicine was apiolin. I would assume that any of these would give rise to white, crystalline apiole on careful distillation, but I have never tried to do it. The commercial Oil of Parsley is so readily available.

(9) The 2,3-dimethoxy-4,5-methylenedioxy pattern. The second of the three tetraoxygenated essential oils is 1-allyl-2,3-dimethoxy-4,5-methylenedioxybenzene, commonly called dillapiole and it comes, not surprisingly, from the oils of any of the several dill plants around the world. It is a thick, almost colorless liquid, but its isomerization product, isodillapiole, is a white crystalline product which melts sharply. This, by the theoretical addition of ammonia, gives DMMDA-2.

(10) The tetramethoxy pattern. The third and last of the tetra-oxygenated essential oils, is 1-allyl-2,3,4,5-tetramethoxybenzene. This is present as a minor component in the oil of parsley, but it is much more easily obtained by synthesis. It, and its iso-compound, and the amination product, are discussed under the last of the Ten Essential Amphetamines, TA. -Alexander shulgin; PIHKAL

I wanted to leave on a more positive note, well, at least on a less boring note.

My beautiful brunette girl, my darling sugaree from 26th street, you are sweeter than a sugarcube of LSD, and maybe tomorrow you will talk to me.

She Sat next to me again this morning....

...but first, on a bus ride this morning on the way home from a meeting my friend zara had boarded the bus, she Sat next to me, and apparently had been talking to me for like 30 seconds or more before she realized that not only could I not hear her because of my headphones but that I was also so distracted with my writing in my notebook that I didn't even notice her sit down by me.

It got me thinking, what if the beautiful brunette girl from 26th street has tried to talk to me, but I was unable to hear her because of my loud music playing through my headphones, and was too distracted with my notebook work to see her body-language...

This happens all the time, people will talk to me, or try to talk to me, but I simply won't hear them because of my music playing through my headphones.

(Once while walking down the street I was brutally tackled and restrained by police officers, apparently they had been yelling for me to stop, and because I was wearing a hood they were not able to see my headphones, so being complete and total assholes they decide to tackle and beat me up rather than better assess what might be going on in the situation)

There's this skinny dark-hair girl that sometimes rides my same bus, she gets off at the same stop as me and is going to the same place. I generally don't talk to her, and 99% of the time I don't even notice she is there until she taps me on the shoulder to get my attention. Any way, she told me that there have been many times where she will talk to me and I just wont respond, she said she knows it's because of my music, but that it's still frustrating when you talk to someone and they don't even notice you.

This skinny girl is weird, I mean, maybe she would be okay, I don't know her well enough to say, but she talks to and is pretty much friends with a lot of people that I know for a fact are untrustworthy, consistently dishonest, and who are content with being scum, and simply based on the fact that she appears to be friends with some really terrible people I have always tried to keep her away from me. The people she talks to don't have much of a life, so they spend most of their time making up lies and saying terrible things about other people, these are the type of people who will make up lies and then choose to believe these lies, which are lies that suit their cause or benefit them in some way, rather than accept the truth. They more or less live in a fantasy little dreamland built on lies that suit their cause, they use these lies to shelter themselves from reality and the truth, and almost pathologically begin to accept and believe their own lies. What's worse is that most people don't know that these people live in a fantasy world with no correlation or relation to reality and will just accept what they say at face value without giving it much thought and without ever thinking to ask for proof or some type of evidence to substantiate their nonsense claims. I guess from time to time someone must question theirs the make up about people and they will just try to fake it, they will use bad impersonations of handwriting creating notes saying disgusting things and will attribute their authorship to someone they don't like, they will create fake accounts on social media sites pretending to be people they don't like, they will even follow the people they don't like around and take pictures of them to use on their fake social media accounts, and so on, it's really pathetic how far these people will go to protect themselves from the truth and to prevent others from ever discovering the truth...þ
...any way, most people who talk to these people are as gullible as these liars are manipulative, so I'm sure this skinny girl has already been psychologically poisoned by a load of lies about me, she also seems like one of these girls who care a lot about what others think about her, and who will accept the lies of the group, even after she discovers them to be lies, just so the group will accept her.

...that really is sad, who knows how many people have been cheated out of truly meaningful friendships simply because they wanted to be accepted. So, they end up rejecting and alienating people, who are people that they would probably have a genuine connection with, just because they want to be accepted and therefore have to confirm to the group's opinions on others whether they have any basis in reality or not.

When I was younger there was a girl that my group of friends would all make fun of and say bad things about. Now, I had never really talked to this girl or interacted with her so I simply figured that what my friends were saying was true. I would encounter this girl from time to time during my day, and one day I decided to see if any of the things they said about this girl were true, so I introduced myself and ended up hanging out with this girl for the better part of they day, and sure enough I ended up discovering that there was nothing wrong with this girl, she was actually really cool, and everything that was being said about her was untrue. Now, in my case, I kept hanging out with her, I put up with the group all giving me shit and making fun of me for being friends with her, some of them even stopped talking to me, but I think it was worth it, I've never cared about acceptance, and I'm not going to reject someone who is cool just because they are an outsider and because the "in crowd" makes pukes about them and makes fun of them.

Any Way, I had to end that last Post, as far as subject matter it was out of control, off-topic rambling with a negative tinge to it, a waste of time.

The point was, that my beautiful darling sugaree from 26th street might have actually tried to talk to me a d that I might not have seen or heard her.

...I would never forgive myself of she had actually tried to talk to me and I just didn't hear her because of my music...

I'm usually just nervously and shyly trying to pretend like I don't notice the gorgeous girl sitting by my side. She is absolutely perfect in every way, and I'm probably going to end up letting her slip through my hands...

I have heard her talking to people in the past, she has such a beautiful voice. I've never heard her say anything embarrassing or "stupid", she carries herself with grace and confidence, it's also obvious that she has a really playful and adorable side to her. She is perfect just the way she is, from her irresistible pulchritude and charm, to her beautiful voice, to her style and the manner in which she carries herself, she is perfect in every way.

...maybe next time I won't wear my headphones. I could also make eye contact at appropriate times and give her ample opportunities to instigate interaction without feeling uncomfortable.

Look, I know the problem is me, I'm too shy to get things moving. I'm afraid she won't like me. ...Jesus, I've never cared if a girl liked me or not, even with my the girls that I married I not worried about what they thought of me, with this girl i actually care, I actually want her to like me, and though I shouldn't admit it, it's actually going to be fairly disappointing if she rejects me.

I think ill always have an attraction for this girl, whether we just sit next to one another quietly and nothing ever comes out of it, whether she rejects me, or whether she decides to give me a chance I don't think ill ever be able to shake my attraction for this girl. This is the first time I have ever felt this way about anybody. I have been married before, and have had numerous serious long-term relationships throughout my life, and still, this is the first time I have ever felt this way about a girl. ...I mean, don't get me wrong, if she rejects me I will fully respect her decision and leave it at that, but on a personal level I know ill still have a place in my heart for her.

I would feel so fucking stupid if she had ever tried talking to me and I didn't hear her or notice her body language.... ...I don't think I would ever forgive myself.

...she has to know I love her, I mean, she has to be able to pick up on my vibes and body language and reaction to her and she has to notice that I obviously love her, I mean, even if Eliza is wrong and she has never read a word that I have written about her, she has to be able to tell that I'm totally enamored with her.

The beautiful brunette girl from 26th street, sweeter than a sugar-cube of LSD.

...the girls who work at my cannabis dispensary would read my posts on another site and then followed my posting here, and they always get really angry when I write about how unbelievably gorgeous the brunette girl from 26th street is, or when I write about how much I like her. Ill Post good things about my darling sugaree from 26th and the girls at the cannabis store Will be extra mean to me that day. ...never figured that one out. I'm definitely missing the connection there.

Just another one of "the days between"

I've been reverting back to my reclusive nature recently, but like eyedea said "I like to keep companions closer than the common recluse spewing seclusion in conclusion"

I've never taken external likes and interests as self-defining, sure I like certain music and certain art and have a certain style, but none of those things define "who I am", they are simply things that I enjoy. ...and "I" is the key there. Through my unique experience I have gathered a mass of interests, likes, styles, views, philosophies, ideas, ways of doing things, ways of seeing the world, and so on, I would feel cheated if I felt I had to fulfil some expectations regarding what it means to "be" anything but myself.

Some will seek out these "cookie-cutter cultures" and fully subscribe to them, defining every measure of themselves by them. They will decide "okay, I am a "blank", so I must like x and y and dislike a and b, I must wear these clothes and this hairstyle and I must adjust my politics accordingly", well, to me this is a shit-brained way to proceed through life, it's shit-brained thinking, or in actuality it is what amounts to an excuse for thinking.

Isnt it easy to have all of your likes, dislikes, views, attitudes, and politics laid out for you? Isnt it easy to say "I am a republican, or hippie, or punk-rocker, or cowboy, or whatever?

Furthermore, isn't it easier for those seeking to control populations if everybody is subscribing to one of the standardized cultures available? They can just look at you or your friends and know what you think and believe and what you represent.

...I've never understood why people have this urge to "be part of something", it's as if individuality some how seems disempowering from their perspective.

Okay, I'm done with that whole tangent of thought. Nothing good to write today, still haven't smoked my prewriting hash, and as a result you end up with this disorganized garbage, there's no rhythm or flow, it feels piece together and forced, the meaning behind the thoughts is present but the articulation process developed into a clusterfuck of uninspired language.

Ill leave with some quotes and poetry:

No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it's not the same river and he's not the same man. -heraclitus

...though if you are paying attention no man ever steps in the same river once.

The soul is dyed the color of its thoughts. Think only on those things that are in line with your principles and can bear the light of day. The content of your character is your choice. Day by day, what you do is who you become. Your integrity is your destiny - it is the light that guides your way."
― Heraclitus


poetry section below
I consider Micheal David Larsen to be a poet.

powder water too
If someone grew up in a cubicle as Plato once suggested
They would only know the cubicle and not the world outside it
And they wouldn't view the cubicle as something geometric
We only know it's a cubicle because we live outside it
Now the one inside the cubicle can't comprehend his measurements
Because measurements are models made up for and by observers
Relative to their position on the outside of the cubicle
Though understand objectively so they can study further
If I grew up in a cubicle the walls are in my universe
I have no knowledge of the entirety like the outsiders do
If you follow what I say and can swallow the powerdered water
Close your eyes and open your minds, this one's for you
And the brain equals a cubicle we'll never think outside it
Now inside wanna try to tie a diagram to modify them
I'm there as a hybrid of a body of a pirate
Of a soul that can fly without control
Realizing the brain ticks at six billion signals per second
And most of hidden and not given to the senses
Whether to do a few futile primitive tools to perception
Livin in a universal pool of first hand deception
is to recieve the signals
And block the ones out that coincide with imprinted symbols
That way the information you obtained is recognized
Reality is thinkable and comparable to space and time
It makes a map of the territory that gives us the gives us
The topic of the Copenhagen interpretation of modern quantum
Physics which states we dont know the meal
We only know the menu that our brains tell us is real
We dont know the rules of our heads
From inside these cubicles we can't see the truth
No one really knows exactly what happens when we think
Therefore we can never really ever know anything
This is the consciousness revolution
You got the right to think
Don't think about it just do it

I am plagued by a yet to be defined mind disorder
Symptoms include delusion to losing the tissue and fluid that borders a bruise contoured to lose core of my aura among other things that clutter dreams and suddenly pull my swollen puppet strings.
Hold and clutch my utterly insecure back-peddling
Please pour the powdered water from the kettle
And load my cup full of adrenaline
Now I can settle in tucked tight between sheet rock and crushed ice
She knocked but I never let her in despite the fact she looked nice in black sediment my head isn't twisted upright, it leans lopsided but eerie enough I still treasure it dearly.
Born in a living tomb, I hope to own the moon with no excuse
Soon to be the groom to a tune close to you
Sail the true stale ocean blue and ate lunch
But corrosion grew for eight months and the Trojan threw a fake punch
And a crow to fool em.
I have sold my sancturary, thank you very much
Buried all I'd carried for a vocabulary brush
And I don't wanna be around when the cherry busts
Cuz when it does/dust settles the flood all of America
It might have been all over if you were to barely thrust
But you got greedy punctured too deep and now she's scared of trust
But who can you trust anyway, every opinion is dated (jaded) by an experience, making any thought a response to a memory.
I am my enemy, can't think my way out of this penitentiary
Embrace the condition humanity's mechanically accepted for centuries
It's the water, is it real?
How does it make you feel
being endlessly dependent on external crutches and shields?
Sleep-walking through the dust covered fields
Haunted by the taunted souls of those who kept the seals closed
I've stretched the distance, and pushed the envelope
This song's become an endless note
For all women and men with hope
Open your eyes, you no longer can float.
You're sinking and drinking the powdered water.
Going to make you choke!
-eyedea ; powdered water too.



The beautiful brunette girl from 26th street, you are sweeter than a sugar-cube of LSD ...maybe next week things will get moving between you and me.

I would feel so fucking stupid if she had tried to talk to me and I just missed it because of my ear phones...

On Friday morning I thought I heard her say "good morning", but I couldn't be sure.

I'm always so shy that I will do my best to pretend like I don't notice her, I try to pretend like she is not even there and I avoid paying any sort of attention to her. Seriously, she could sit on my lap and I would probably still pretend that I had not noticed her...

I can't describe how badly I want this girl, it's really been difficult for me. I've never cared about what anybody thought about me and I've never been self-conscious or nervous around girls before, but there's something about this girl that leaves me permanently and uncontrollably attracted to her. It doesn't seem to matter how much I try to fight it, I'm completely enamored with this girl.

My darling sugaree, my beautiful brunette girl from 26th If Eliza is right and you are reading all this stuff that I write about you, then seriously, next time you see me when you sit down by me, just reach out and tap me on the shoulder, or initiate communication in a way in which I can't not pay attention to you. ...I already think the world of you, I think you are absolutely amazing just the way that you are, and if you would be willing to give me a chance a promise that I will do everything I can to keep you happy, I will dedicate all of my time and energy towards loving you and ensuring that you have everything that your heart desires. I would be so proud to be able to walk down the street with you by my side, I would want everybody to know that you were the most amazing girl on this planet and that you were mine.

Okay, ill stop here, I'm very tired, and disorganized, and I haven't smoked my morning hash yet, well I smoked at like 4:30am before I left the house, but its 9am now, so I need my morning hash if I'm going to be able to produce anything better than this bloody drivel. (I was saying the writing was drivel, not the feelings behind it, I really do love my darling sugaree from 26th, but my skills in placing these sentiments into writing will remain severely diminished until I am able to appropriately cannabinate my blood stream.

Just in case anybody was wondering, in the attached picture, the cactus depicted as the shamanatrix's strap-on trichocereus pachanoi, a mescaline containing cactus from south America with a long history of use an an entheogen and psychedelic.

pac man reference

"Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music." -Kristian Wilson, Nintendo, Inc, 1989

*This quote was actually generated by a comedian named Marcus Brigstocke, which makes it far less funny.

additional pac man reference:

People thinks there's one reality, but there's loads of them, all snaking off, like roots. And what we do on one path affects what happens on the other paths.
Time is a construct.
People think you can't go back and change things, but you can, that's what flashbacks are, they're invitations to go back and make different choices. When you make a decision, you think it's you doing it, but it's not. It's the spirit out there that's connected to our world that decides what we do and we just have to go along for the ride.
Mirrors let you move through time.
The government monitors people, they pay people to be your relatives and they put drugs in your food and they film you.
There's messages in every game.
Like Pac-Man. Do you know what PAC stands for? P-A-C: "program and control." He's Program and Control Man the whole things a metaphor, he thinks he's got free will but really he's trapped in a maze, in a system, all he can do is consume, he's pursued by demons that are probably just in his own head, and even if he does manage to escape by slipping out one side of the maze, what happens? He comes right back in the other side. People think it's a happy game, it's not a happy game, it's a fucking nightmare world and the worst thing is it's real and we live in it.
It's all code. If you listen closely, you can hear the numbers. There's a cosmic flowchart that dictates where you can and where you can't go.
I've given you the knowledge.
I've set you free.
Do you understand?
-Colin Ritman ; bandersnatch

fascinating. Right there for all to read. Doesn't take much to understand.

Quote from: judih on January 27, 2019, 10:33:25 PM
fascinating. Right there for all to read. Doesn't take much to understand.

Which part?

The weather was terrible today, heavy snow and wind.

I don't know how she can look so gorgeous at 5 am in the middle of a blizzard on her Way to work, but damn! She looked incredible!

She was sitting next to me, and every so often I will glance up at the reflection in the window at us sitting side by side, she never really seems to be paying much attention to me, however, I began to write again, and then I glanced over and I could see her hand by her knee and it looked like she was making a hand motion in an effort to get my attention. ...if it was an attempt to get my attention it was way too subtle.

I love this black and white leopard or cheetah print scarf that she wears, it really brings out her eyes and goes great with the beautiful color of her hair.

...she is so perfect. I couldn't imagine a girl that could be any more perfect for me.

Eliza tells me she reads everything I write about her, and while Eliza does have some motivation to lie to me, it's seeming more and more like she is right. So, if the girl from 26th is reading my proclamations of my love for her on a near daily basis, then why doesn't she let me know? Why not get an account and reply? Why not just get my attention in person?

Its a strange situation, and will admit that there's a good deal about it that I don't understand, but I am being true when I say that I would do absolutely anything for this girl, and that I think she is the most amazing, gorgeous, and sweet girl in the universe.

My beautiful brunette girl from 26th street, my sweet darling sugaree, maybe tomorrow will be the day that we get things moving.

Quote from: Intrepid_traveler on January 28, 2019, 11:49:12 AM

Quote from: judih on January 27, 2019, 10:33:25 PM
fascinating. Right there for all to read. Doesn't take much to understand.

Which part?

The whole thing! -
as you quoted!
here it all is, one more time.

pac man reference

"Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music." -Kristian Wilson, Nintendo, Inc, 1989

*This quote was actually generated by a comedian named Marcus Brigstocke, which makes it far less funny.

additional pac man reference:

People thinks there's one reality, but there's loads of them, all snaking off, like roots. And what we do on one path affects what happens on the other paths.
Time is a construct.
People think you can't go back and change things, but you can, that's what flashbacks are, they're invitations to go back and make different choices. When you make a decision, you think it's you doing it, but it's not. It's the spirit out there that's connected to our world that decides what we do and we just have to go along for the ride.
Mirrors let you move through time.
The government monitors people, they pay people to be your relatives and they put drugs in your food and they film you.
There's messages in every game.
Like Pac-Man. Do you know what PAC stands for? P-A-C: "program and control." He's Program and Control Man the whole things a metaphor, he thinks he's got free will but really he's trapped in a maze, in a system, all he can do is consume, he's pursued by demons that are probably just in his own head, and even if he does manage to escape by slipping out one side of the maze, what happens? He comes right back in the other side. People think it's a happy game, it's not a happy game, it's a fucking nightmare world and the worst thing is it's real and we live in it.
It's all code. If you listen closely, you can hear the numbers. There's a cosmic flowchart that dictates where you can and where you can't go.
I've given you the knowledge.
I've set you free.
Do you understand?
-Colin Ritman ; bandersnatch

Quote from: judih on January 28, 2019, 10:57:18 PM

Quote from: Intrepid_traveler on January 28, 2019, 11:49:12 AM

Quote from: judih on January 27, 2019, 10:33:25 PM
fascinating. Right there for all to read. Doesn't take much to understand.

Which part?

The whole thing! -
as you quoted!
here it all is, one more time.

pac man reference

"Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music." -Kristian Wilson, Nintendo, Inc, 1989

*This quote was actually generated by a comedian named Marcus Brigstocke, which makes it far less funny.

additional pac man reference:

People thinks there's one reality, but there's loads of them, all snaking off, like roots. And what we do on one path affects what happens on the other paths.
Time is a construct.
People think you can't go back and change things, but you can, that's what flashbacks are, they're invitations to go back and make different choices. When you make a decision, you think it's you doing it, but it's not. It's the spirit out there that's connected to our world that decides what we do and we just have to go along for the ride.
Mirrors let you move through time.
The government monitors people, they pay people to be your relatives and they put drugs in your food and they film you.
There's messages in every game.
Like Pac-Man. Do you know what PAC stands for? P-A-C: "program and control." He's Program and Control Man the whole things a metaphor, he thinks he's got free will but really he's trapped in a maze, in a system, all he can do is consume, he's pursued by demons that are probably just in his own head, and even if he does manage to escape by slipping out one side of the maze, what happens? He comes right back in the other side. People think it's a happy game, it's not a happy game, it's a fucking nightmare world and the worst thing is it's real and we live in it.
It's all code. If you listen closely, you can hear the numbers. There's a cosmic flowchart that dictates where you can and where you can't go.
I've given you the knowledge.
I've set you free.
Do you understand?
-Colin Ritman ; bandersnatch

I love that "Collin ritman" (Played by Will Poulter) pac-man rant. Its from a Netflix program called "black mirror : bandersnatch". Its a "choose your own adventure" styled program with many alternate pathways and outcomes.

Now, I'm really not a huge fan of the program, I mean, it's not that I dislike it, but I'm not really that into it either.

however, there is a scene that you can get to where you visit computer programmer Collin ritman's flat and are offered cannabis and LSD.

While under the influence of LSD Collin goes off on this whole rant where be is "revealing universal truths" to the protagonist of the story, and for some reason it was the only part of the program that had any sort of impact on me.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=D3qxWbQ8qek

Here, see for yourself.
(The link above is YouTube mobile, hence that little "m" in the URL before YouTube, it's the only way I can view YouTube on this device and hence is the only way the url can get copied and pasted from it. If the link does not work simply type "Black Mirror - Bandersnatch (Colin's speech about the PAC-man metaphore)" into the YouTube search bar and this video should come up. )

My beautiful darling sugraee from 26th street sat next to me again today. We quietly kept to ourselves, each focusing on some external distraction such as my writing or her phone.

At one point the bus missed a turn and began heading in the wrong direction, as this was occurring she leaned forward and looked at me, yet unfortunately did not say anything. The bus quickly corrected it's route, though I feel like a wasted an opportunity to interact with her, I mean, she was looking right at me, and we would have had a topic to discuss, but that's life I suppose.

None of this is her fault, it seems like she is making every reasonable effort without revealing her knowledge of the situation or overtly interacting with me, and I keep making things difficult. I understand that unless you make a real effort to get my attention in which I can't pretend to have not noticed you that it's probably really difficult, and I know that's fully my fault.

...I think I'm scared. Well, the situation is far more difficult on my part, she knows exactly what I am thinking, she can read my thoughts everyday I see her, while I have no idea what's on her mind.

Eliza says I want to be with her for all the wrong reasons, and I have really been thinking about that, and I'm still not sure. I know that I'm incredibly attracted to her, and that I want her to be happy. I know that I could be a near perfect partner if she gave me the chance.

...and I know that I would be willing to change anything about my life if it would get me a chance with her.

...I think that's what bothers Eliza, she wants the situation between myself and all of the girls to stay more or less the same, and she knows that if I enter a serious relationship that I am going to give up doing a good deal of things that I am doing while I'm single. I think she knows that a relationship would completely realign my priorities, and that all of the love and affection and attention that I give to Eliza, and Melanie, and Ayela, would all go directly to my beautiful darling sugaree from 26th street. Eliza pretends like she doesn't enjoy it, but I know she loves all of the attention that I give her, she loves all the compliments and affection, she enjoys having someone tell her that she is beautiful and special, she enjoys having someone to take her out to eat and to stores, she enjoys the snuggling, and back-rubs, and gifts, she enjoys that I will drop whatever I'm doing to make her happy, even if its simple things like brining her something to eat or just tending to whatever she may want or need. I think Eliza enjoys all of the affection and love and attention that I give her, (and to all of the other girls) and she knows that if I get with the beautiful brunette girl from 26th street that it's all going to be focused on her.

I always have to deal with the most bizarre possessiveness when it comes to the girls that I am close with. One of them called me a "unicorn" and made it pretty clear that she had no intentions of letting me get away from her. Honestly, I don't get it, I really don't think I am all that special...

I wish I was good enough for my darling sugaree from 26th street...

We live together, we act on, and react to, one another; but always and in all circumstances we are by ourselves. The martyrs go hand in hand into the arena; they are crucified alone. Embraced, the lovers desperately try to fuse their insulated ecstasies into a single self-transcendence; in vain. By its very nature every embodied spirit is doomed to suffer and enjoy in solitude. Sensations, feelings, insights, fancies–all these are private and, except through symbols and at second hand, incommunicable. We can pool information about experiences, but never the experiences themselves. From family to nation, every human group is a society of island universes.

Most island universes are sufficiently like one another to permit of inferential understanding or even of mutual empathy or "feeling into." Thus, remembering our own bereavements and humiliations, we can condole with others in analogous circumstances, can put ourselves (always, of course, in a slightly Pickwickian sense) in their places. But in certain cases communication between universes is incomplete or even nonexistent. The mind is its own place, and the Places inhabited by the insane and the exceptionally gifted are so different from the places where ordinary men and women live, that there is little or no common ground of memory to serve as a basis for understanding or fellow feeling. Words are uttered, but fail to enlighten. The things and events to which the symbols refer belong to mutually exclusive realms of experience.

To see ourselves as others see us is a most salutary gift. Hardly less important is the capacity to see others as they see themselves. But what if these others belong to a different species and inhabit a radically alien universe? For example, how can the sane get to know what it actually feels like to be mad? Or, short of being born again as a visionary, a medium, or a musical genius, how can we ever visit the worlds which, to Blake, to Swedenborg, to Johann Sebastian Bach, were home? And how can a man at the extreme limits of ectomorphy and cerebrotonia ever put himself in the place of one at the limits of endomorphy and viscerotonia, or, except within certain circumscribed areas, share the feelings of one who stands at the limits of mesomorphy and somatotonia? To the unmitigated behaviorist such questions, I suppose, are meaningless. But for those who theoretically believe what in practice they know to be true–namely, that there is an inside to experience as well as an outside–the problems posed are real problems, all the more grave for being, some completely insoluble, some soluble only in exceptional circumstances and by methods not available to everyone. Thus, it seems virtually certain that I shall never know what it feels like to be Sir John Falstaff or Joe Louis. On the other hand, it had always seemed to me possible that, through hypnosis, for example, or autohypnosis, by means of systematic meditation, or else by taking the appropriate drug, I might so change my ordinary mode of consciousness as to be able to know, from the inside, what the visionary, the medium, even the mystic were talking about.
from the Doors of Perception
by Aldous Huxley

The story of Eden is the story of history's first drug bust. I mean, it's the story of a whole lot of tension over who's going to take or not take a certain plant which conveys knowledge. And Yahweh wandering in the garden says to himself, "If the man and the woman eat of the fruit, they will become as we are." The issue was co-equality, co-knowledge with the Creator. Well, where do we stand in man's existential march? How does that work? Can we always accept the subservient, infantile position? Is knowledge to be dispensed by gods, and if not gods, then the institutions that appoint themselves as gods over us? Or is it actually that maturity begins with somehow claiming this birthright? -terence McKenna

Somehow I think it was an act of empathy on gods part rather than a desire to limit humanity. God must have known the inevitable suffering that runs cotangent with such a high functioning conscious stream becoming confined to a physical form. Perhaps God knew the consequences of intelligence finding it's way into the physical world. Its as if as demi-gods we viewed the existence of life on earth and wanted to experience it first hand.

Ugghh...

No flow to my writing this morning, my thoughts are streaming at lethargic pace. I haven't smoked my hash yet, hence, crap writing.

Speaking of hashish,"The Hasheesh Eater: being passages from the life of a Pythagorean by Fitz Hugh Ludlow written in 1857 describes an account of cannabis intoxication which reminds me of my earliest days experimenting with the plant.

When I was young and had just started experimenting with cannabis the experiences produced were far different from what I experience today. Today, no matter how much I consume, it's never a real intoxication, it's never anything more than a "++" on the shulgin scale*. Now, when I was younger I could induce vivid "+++" experiences which bordered on the psychedelic, these experiences were very much like what Ludlow had described, and while I doubt I can recreate such intoxications, I wanted to consume cannabis in the medium and dose as Mr. Ludlow, partly as a tribute to fitz and my love of that his book, and partly as an effort to brake the "++" barrier with cannabis, a venture which has not been achieved since my teenage years.

*

QuotePLUS ONE, n. (+) The drug is quite certainly active. The chronology can be determined with some accuracy, but the nature of the drug's effects are not yet apparent.

PLUS TWO, n. (++) Both the chronology and the nature of the action of a drug are unmistakably apparent. But you still have some choice as to whether you will accept the adventure, or rather just continue with your ordinary day's plans (if you are an experienced researcher, that is). The effects can be allowed a predominant role, or they may be repressible and made secondary to other chosen activities.

PLUS THREE, n. (+++) Not only are the chronology and the nature of a drug's action quite clear, but ignoring its action is no longer an option. The subject is totally engaged in the experience, for better or worse.

PLUS FOUR, n. (++++) A rare and precious transcendental state, which has been called a "peak experience," a "religious experience," "divine transformation," a "state of Samadhi" and many other names in other cultures. It is not connected to the +1, +2, and +3 of the measuring of a drug's intensity. It is a state of bliss, a participation mystique, a connectedness with both the interior and exterior universes, which has come about after the ingestion of a psychedelic drug, but which is not necessarily repeatable with a subsequent ingestion of that same drug. If a drug (or technique or process) were ever to be discovered which would consistently produce a plus four experience in all human beings, it is conceivable that it would signal the ultimate evolution, and perhaps the end, of the human experiment.
— Alexander Shulgin, PIHKAL, pages 963–965

So, let's hear from Fitz Hugh Ludlow:

One morning, in the spring of 185-, I dropped in
upon the doctor for my accustomed lounge.

"Have you seen," said he, "my new acquisitions ?"

I looked toward the shelves in the direction of
which he pointed, and saw, added since my last visit,
a row of comely pasteboard cylinders inclosing vials
of the various extracts prepared by Tilden & Co.
Arranged in order according to their size, they con-
fronted me, as pretty a little rank of medicinal sharp-
shooters as could gratify the eye of an amateur. I ap-
proached the shelves, that I might take them in re-
view.

A rapid glance showed most of them to be old ac-
quaintances. " Conium, taraxacum, rhubarb — ha I
what is this ? Cannabis Indica ?" " That," answered
the doctor, looking with a parental fondness upon his
new treasure, "is a preparation of the East Indian
hemp, a powerful agent in cases of lock-jaw." On the
strength of this introduction, I took down the little
archer, and, removing his outer verdant coat, began the further prosecution of his acquaintance. To pull out
a broad and shallow cork was the work of an instant,
and it revealed to me an olive-brown extract, of the
consistency of pitch, and a decided aromatic odor.
Drawing out a small portion upon the point of my pen-
knife, I was just going to put it to my tongue, when
"Hold on!" cried the doctor; "do you want to kill
yourself? That stuff is deadly poison." "Indeed!" I
replied ; " no, I can not say that I have any settled
determination of that kind ;" and with that I replaced
the cork, and restored the extract, with all its appur-
tenances, to the shelf.

The remainder of my morning's visit in the sanctum
was spent in consulting the Dispensatory under the
title " Cannabis Indica." The sum of my discoveries
there may be found, with much additional information,
in that invaluable popular work, Johnston's Chemistry
of Common Life. This being universally accessible,
I will allude no further to the result of that morning's
researches than to mention the three following conclu-
sions to which I came.

First, the doctor was both right and wrong ; right,
inasmuch as a sufficiently large dose of the drug, if it
could be retained in the stomach, would produce death,
like any other narcotic, and the ultimate effect of its
habitual use had always proved highly injurious to
mind and body ; wrong, since moderate doses of it
were never immediately deadly, and many millions of
people daily employed it as an indulgence similarly to
opium. Second, it was the hasheesh referred to by
Eastern travelers, and the subject of a most graphic
chapter from the pen of Bayard Taylor, which months
before had moved me powerfully to curiosity and admiration. Third, I would add it to the list of my former experiments.
In pursuance of this last determination, I waited till
my friend was out of sight, that I might not terrify
him by that which he considered a suicidal venture,
and then quietly uncapping my little archer a second
time, removed from his store of offensive armor a pill
sufficient to balance the ten grain weight of the .sanc-
torial scales. This, upon the authority of Pereira and
the Dispensatory, I swallowed without a tremor as to
the danger of the result.

Making all due allowance for the fact that I had not
taken my hasheesh bolus fasting, I ought to experience
its effects within the next four hours. That time
elapsed without bringing the shadow of a phenome-
non. It was plain that my dose had been insufficient.

For the sake of observing the most conservative
prudence, I suffered several days to go by without a
repetition of the experiment, and then, keeping the
matter equally secret, I administered to myself a pill
of fifteen grains. This second was equally ineffectual
with the first.

Gradually, by five grains at a time, I increased the
dose to thirty grains, which I took one evening half
an hour after tea. I had now almost come to the con-
clusion that I was absolutely unsusceptible of the
hasheesh influence. Without any expectation that
this last experiment would be more successful than
the former ones, and indeed with no realization of the
manner in which the drug affected those who did
make the experiment successfully, I went to pass the
evening at the house of an intimate friend. In music
and conversation the time passed pleasantly. The
clock struck ten, reminding me that three hours had
elapsed since the dose was taken, and as yet not an
unusual symptom had appeared. I was provoked to
think that this trial was as fruitless as its predeces-
sors.

Ha ! what means this sudden thrill ? A shock, as
of some unimagined vital force, shoots without warn-
ing through my entire frame, leaping to my fingers'
ends, piercing my brain, startling me till I almost
spring from my chair.

I could not doubt it. I was in the power of the
hasheesh influence. My first emotion was one of un-
controllable terror — a sense of getting something which
I had not bargained for. That moment I would have
given all I had or hoped to have to be as I was three
hours before.





1st attempt
10 grains = 647.989mgs ( 10 grains = 0.647989 grams )
2nd attempt
15 grains = 971.984mgs (15 grains = 0.971984 grams)
3rd attempt
30 grains = 1943.97 mgs (30 grains = 1.94397 grams)

...however, Fitz says that he "Gradually, by five grains at a time, I increased the dose to thirty grains" so it's very well possible that fitz had made other attempts leading up to the 30 grain dose which induced the experience on which his book was based.

Now, I am uncertain as to how "Tilden and Co." Preared their cannabis indica extract in the mid to late 1800's but it would be helpful to do some research on that part.

I'm thinking that I can take some PHO/BHO extract of cannabis and use it for this experiment, though with butane or propane extracts I would have to decarboxylate the tetrahydrocannabolic acid to tetrahydrocannabinol before it would be active orally.

Honestly, the last thing that I want to do is use butter or another source of natural lipids as a medium for the hash, I want to directly eat the hash.

My beautiful sweet brunette girl from 26th street, my darling sugaree, sweeter than a sugar-cube of LSD, sat next to me again today.

I love her. I'm pretty sure she knows it.

So I guess it's just a waiting game at this point.

She knows that if she wants a lifetime of love and devotion from me that all she has to do is say so.

...until then I'm not sure what else I can do.

I truly enjoy writing about how gorgeous she is, or how I love the way she carries herself and how I love her sense of style, I enjoy letting her know that she is amazing, that she is perfect in every way exactly how she is, and that I would be willing to do anything for her...

...but at some point she is going to have to bite the bullet and either give me a chance or flat out tell me that its never going to happen.

She knows I love her, she knows I would do anything for her, and she knows that if she wants me all she has to do is say so. ...again, I'm not sure what else I can do.

...I want to just tell her, but it's in a strange venue, I hate busses when it comes to interaction, it always feels like everybody is paying attention directly to you.

I should just get it over with and tell her.

I want to bring her nice things every morning when I see her, like one morning ill give her flowers, the next morning candies and a card, and so on...

We live together, we act on, and react to, one another; but always and in all circumstances we are by ourselves. The martyrs go hand in hand into the arena; they are crucified alone. Embraced, the lovers desperately try to fuse their insulated ecstasies into a single self-transcendence; in vain. By its very nature every embodied spirit is doomed to suffer and enjoy in solitude. Sensations, feelings, insights, fancies–all these are private and, except through symbols and at second hand, incommunicable. We can pool information about experiences, but never the experiences themselves. From family to nation, every human group is a society of island universes. -A. Huxley

According to Greek mythology, humans were originally created with four arms, four legs and a head with two faces. Fearing their power, Zeus split them into two separate parts, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves." -So says Aristophanes in his fantastical account of the origins of love in Plato's Symposium.

Love is born into every human being; it calls back the halves of our original nature together; it tries to make one out of two and heal the wound of human nature. Each of us, then, is a 'matching half' of a human whole...and each of us is always seeking the half that matches him -Aristophanes; Plato's Symposium.

"[When] a person meets the half that is his very own," he exclaims, "something wonderful happens: the two are struck from their senses by love, by a sense of belonging to one another, and by desire, and they don't want to be separated from one another, not even for a moment. These are people who finish out their lives together and still cannot say what it is they want from one another." --Aristophanes

Is it possible to be able to recognize your severed half by first sight?

Is it possible to know by feeling when your other half is near?

I can't explain what draws me to her, but I can feel an energy, an electricity, and a connection between us.

...For whatever reason I thought of the philosophical concepts elucidated by Aristophanes in the excerpts above.

I don't need to have been friends with her for years or ingrained in her social circle to be able to feel a real and genuine connection with her, and whether she admits it or not I know that the feeling is mutual, and I know that when we come together its going to be lightening and sparks, I know we would have a fire connection. Physically and emotionally we would have a deep an intense connection that isn't something that should be wasted. This type of connection is rare, and if you have ever had one before you know how truly special they are.

I love you my beautiful darling sugaree, my gorgeous brunette sweetheart from 26th street, maybe tomorrow will be the day you finally come and talk to me.

The change which actually took place in that world was in no sense revolutionary. Half an hour after swallowing the drug I became aware of a slow dance of golden lights. A little later there were sumptuous red surfaces swelling and expanding from bright nodes of energy that vibrated with a continuously changing, patterned life. At another time the closing of my eyes revealed a complex of gray structures, within which pale bluish spheres kept emerging into intense solidity and, having emerged, would slide noiselessly upwards, out of sight. But at no time were there faces or forms of men or animals. I saw no landscapes, no enormous spaces, no magical growth and metamorphosis of buildings, nothing remotely like a drama or a parable. The other world to which mescalin admitted me was not the world of visions; it existed out there, in what I could see with my eyes open. The great change was in the realm of objective fact. What had happened to my subjective universe was relatively unimportant. -A. Huxley

What Huxley describes above, unfortunately, seems to be the limit of what most will experience with psychedelic substances.

...which is a shame.

However, I will encounter individuals who will say "I have taken x, y, or z and it did not do anything remotely similar to what you claim it does", then, I will offer these individuals an invitation to consume a psychedelic substance with me, and strangely enough I have never failed to obtain consensus regarding these substances potentials after such an event.

...Not that Huxley didn't derive some truly valuable insights from his ventures with the compound, I think Huxley was able to obtain more than most, which is perhaps why I should have chosen another example regarding individuals expectations regarding these compounds.

There's a McKenna quote that States:
If you charge off with some political agenda that is not informed by clarity, you are going to end up with business as usual. The road to hell is paved with good intentions but it is not paved with clarity.-Terence McKenna

...I have always seen the psychedelic experience as a means of achieving such clarity, and as a result enjoy taking political or philosophical concepts and then giving them the "acid test" (while I use the term acid simply for the phrase, by giving something "the acid test" I simply mean seeing if the concept can hold up through psychedelic examination).

...well, as Huxley said "i have returned to that reassuring but profoundly unsatisfactory state known as "being in one's right mind."

...I might try some writing after I have re-upped on hash.
(I hate the terms "shatter" or "wax", if you want to be technical "hash" refers to an extract of the cannabis plant, and in my mind it doesn't seem to matter if the cannabinoids were extracted by traditional means such as by using cold H2O and bubble bags, or of the cannabinoid compounds were extracted with solvents such as butane or propane, in my mind, it's all hash. Now, of there is a need to be specific I prefer using the proper name of the substance, I.e. "butane extract" or "propane extract" or bho/pho combination extract.

fuck it. I have to go.

...oh, before I head out, I want to mention my beautiful darling brunette girl from 26th street, I still love you sugaree,  you looked amazing today. If you ever want or need anything you always know where you can find me. You know I would do anything you asked me to.

Today was a day without seeing the beautiful brunette girl from 26th street. Though I did see her every day this week except for today. Such a strange situation, possibly to remain an eternal stalemate of quietly waiting for the other to act. There's so much potential there, and I can feel the buildup of that potential. It's an incredibly rich tangent of possibility.

...It's like a bifurcation in the time stream, on one tangent myself and the beautiful brunette carry on as we have without anything changing, and on the other things came together and we ended up together. It's like I can feel the energy pouring out of that cotangent alternate existence where we had come together, its as if that possible pathway is brimming with so much energy to the point where all cotangent pathways are slightly distorted as the waves of energy and possibility from that possible tangent go crashing around through hyperspace.

Out of all things that are possible, out of all things that can occur, what is it that determines which things, "undergo the formality of actually occurring" and which things do not?

Below McKenna offers some insight:

. During the experiment at La Chorrera, the Logos demonstrated that time is not simply a homogeneous medium where things occur, but a fluctuating density of probability. Though science can sometimes tell us what can happen and what cannot happen, we have no theory that explains why, out of everything that could happen, certain things undergo what Whitehead called "the formality of actually occurring." This was what the Logos sought to explain, why out of all the myriad things that could happen, certain things undergo the formality of occurring. It is because there is a modular hierarchy of waves of temporal conditioning, or temporal density. A certain event, rated highly improbable, is more probable at some moments than at others. -terence McKenna

...I spent some time looking for Alfred North Whitehead's writing regarding things undergoing "the formality of actually occurring" and came up empty handed.

These posts are always disorganized, and since I'm fairly certain that nobody really reads these things I don't make any effort to correct them, I basically just start typing whatever is on my mind and in the end you get what you get, which seems to be a clusterfuck of mismatched abstract concepts blended with bits and pieces of prose derived from the vicissitudes of my daily life.

I don't think I am going to see my beautiful darling sugaree, the gorgeous brunette from 26th street, until next week.

...maybe then she will get things moving and give me a chance to love her. I don't think it matters what she tells her friends, she really does like me. I don't think she should worry if her friends don't like me, I mean, one of my best friends Eliza wants to keep me as far away as possible from the brunette from 26th, yet I don't let it bother me, I don't care what anybody says if she gave me a chance I would proudly tell the whole world that she was my girl and that I loved her, I wouldn't care if jealous people or negative people tried to tell lies and talk shit.

Maybe next week my baby darling sugaree will come and ask me to give her my love.

...can she really be happier awkwardly sitting side by side with me, each of us pretending like we don't notice one another?

I know that I can be hard to approach, and I know that when I am writing I look very busy, and I know that it's uncomfortable getting the attention of a person listening to loud music through headphones, and I know that because I am so nervous and shy that my body language probably shows it, but I promise that if she could just bite the bullet and reach out to tap me on the shoulder that everything would go smoothly from there. ...well, actually, it's probably going to be somewhat awkward and uncomfortable, but once that first interaction is out of the way there should be no problems.

...if she is not interested I would only hope that she would have the decency and manners to tell me.

i'm reading.
fyi

Quote from: judih on February 01, 2019, 11:31:15 PM
i'm reading.
fyi

Wow. I'm still somewhat curious as to why, but I suppose that really doesn't matter.

...while I can't understand what would motivate someone to read this nonsense, simultaneously I find myself somewhat puzzled as to why I write it.

Well, I write about the beautiful brunette girl from 26th street because my friend Eliza told me that she reads all of my posts, and while Eliza may not be telling the truth, I still post in hopes that she actually is reading them. (It's actually been very difficult to to tell if the beautiful brunette girl from 26th is reading these posts or not. If she has been reading my posts she has been subtle enough with her responses in real life as to give me hints without giving herself away)

Most of this stuff was written for the beautiful brunette girl from 26th street, and there's a chance that she never sees any of it.

...the rest of the stuff, I can't say why I post it.

Just as the Sun was sinking behind the rolling purple mountain landscape I turned to her in the radiating pastel glow of the sunset, I could see a soft orange light emanating from her chest.

...my beautiful darling girl, con la corazon de oro, my sweet Melanie, you are like angel with broken wings, and I know I have what it takes to make you fly again.

Any time you are feeling down my darling, read these lyrics and remember all of the Times when I snuggled up next to you with my guitar and would play and sing this song just to cheer you up. Ill always be there for you.

You are fucking awesome never forget!


Lift up your head weary one
I see that sorrow in your eyes
Life got you down again
But you've got to realize
It takes time to learn, it takes time to grow
So be patient and be kind, And
If you ask with ease and grace
All that you seek you will find
Dust to dust and ash to ash
This too shall pass in the time, and you
Got to trust, yeah you got to trust
Good things coming in time, and Life Goes On
Life Goes On

And you can count on me to be the one
That's never gonna leave you lonely
Count on me to be the one
That is gonna love you always,
When you're feeling sad and blue
I'll be there to see you through, so
Don't cry no more
I said don't cry, my darling

True it takes some time for one to refine
The steps upon the path you are leading
The harder the pursuit, it remains the truth
The harder it will be to achieve it
And though you feel like giving up
When the path gets rough
You must be string, life must go
Don't cry, my darling, don't cry
Dust to dust and ash to ash
This too shall pass in the time, and you
Got to trust, yeah you got to trust
Good things coming in time, and Life Goes On
Life Goes On,
Life Goes On
And you can count on me to be the one
That's never gonna leave you lonely
Count on me to be the one
That is gonna love you always
When you're feeling sad and blue
I'll be there to see you through, so
Don't cry no more
I said don't cry, my darling
-Iya Terra - Life goes on


https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=EveNzW_BWzc

My beautiful brunette girl from 26th street, my darling sugaree, sweeter than a sugar-cube of LSD, maybe next week ill get my miracle and you'll start talking with me.

I got to see her Monday through Thursday this last week, and she Sat next to me every time. I always feel so excited when I see her walking over to sit next to me. It was somewhat disappointing on Friday when she wasn't there, I always have a much better day when it starts by having such an amazing, gorgeous, and special girl sit down next to me.

Just another one of "the days between"

The beautiful brunette girl from 26th street was present today, and as usual took her seat next to me. The bus driver was jolting the bus around with some poor gas and brake work which nearly caused the beautiful brunette girl from 26th street to come crashing into me, that would have been somewhat awkward, but Could have afforded me an opportunity to interact her, well, it was an opportunity missed regardless.

...she wasn't wearing her black and white leopard-print scarf  today, but she still looked amazing. From her bright gleaming eyes and beautiful brunette hair, she looked as gorgeous as ever, she even makes the color neon orange look pretty. It's so rare that you can encounter a person where you think "this person is absolutely perfect in ever way exactly how they are".

...I really don't want to let her go, but at the same time I'm not sure that she is ever going to initiate interaction with me.

After I exit the bus I always turn back and look in through the window at her as the bus is slowly pulling away, and she always looks so sad. Maybe it's because she is looking down at her phone, but she always seems to look somewhat downtrodden and disappointed, and while she still looks adorable I want her to be happy. I hope I am just misreading her emotions, perhaps she is just tired and on her way into work, I really hope that I'm not disappointing her by not talking to her something.

Well, there is always tomorrow, and hopefully I will see her again.

...in the end I think it's going to have to be me that best things going, and believe me, if it wasn't 5 am and if I wasn't half-asleep, stoned, and still in the process of waking up I would have talked to her a long time ago.

I'm pretty sure I'm going to be shot down, which is why I want her to talk to me...

Who knows, maybe tomorrow I'll talk to her.

I'm giving her rose on valentines day no matter what. I wish I could give her roses every day, but that would be weird, right?

The most incredible, gorgeous, and perfect girl in the entire universe sits next to me every morning...

...so why can't I bring myself to ask her to give me a chance to be with her?

Maybe this week ill get my miracle and she will talk to me.

I had just boarded my second bus of the day. This ride is in most cases uneventful, and gives me some time to work in my notebook. The bus driver was a young black girl who was probably around my age, she seemed nice, she was incredibly polite, and I remember that she had a really pretty smile. I boarded the bus as usual, turned up my music through my headphones and began working in my notebook, and everything was peaceful, just a normal day, until the bus reaches a stop in which several lines intersect, at this stop there is generally a 5 minute lay-over before the bus begins moving again, and the drivers often take bathroom and cigarette brakes during this lay over. So, the bus driver leaves the bus to take her brake. A few minutes after she leaves skinny old bald man begins to become restless, and starts pacing the isles of the bus. I had spoken to this man the day prior, he had intruded into a rather civilized conversation regarding the grateful dead that I had entered into with another passenger moments before, and had rather rudely attempted to turn things into a "who is a bigger deadhead competition", I have no tolerance for these type of ego-inflating pissing-contests, so I simply found an out and placed my headphones back on. So, this same old man has begun pacing the isles of the bus, and shortly after begins complaining in a loud voice "where is this lady! She can't do this!", then other passengers began to join in with this old prick, all of them loudly complaining and pacing the isles of the bus. The whole time I was thinking "good God, chill out and give the poor girl brake". The driver then returns and the grumpy old bald man is fuming, he begins screaming at the poor girl "you are four minutes late!...and so on". I was completely disgusted by these people's behaviors, I really couldn't believe it. People are so quick to jump into negativity and hostility over the smallest things. The poor girl driving the bus was just trying to do her job, she absolutely did not deserve to return from her brake and have some bald old lunatic foaming at the mouth and making threats to report her just because she was a few minutes late from her bathroom brake. This bald old prick had to be over 50 years old and he was behaving like child throwing a tantrum.

...it would have ruined my morning had I not had my headphones. Thank god I didn't have to listen to all their negativity.

Ill never understand how people can live their lives constantly angry, feeding off of their negative emotions. This is why I think psychedelic exploration is crucial for a cultures well being, it creates fully developed individuals, rather than neotenized individuals. In tribal cultures there would often be psychedelic shamanic rites of passage that every member of the culture would participate in in order to become a fully developed adult.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=fmRuW7OMbvo

I feel that most will reach physical maturity while psychologically never conning anywhere close to reaching their full potential.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=fmRuW7OMbvo

I've always been incredibly laid back, calm, relaxed, mellow and happy. I like to maintain good vibes and a cool and calm atmosphere. It takes a lot to get a negative reaction from me, and any time it ever happens its generally as a means of self-defense. Honestly, nothing bothers me, I really have transcended that neurosis, I'm never bothered by anything.

There have been times where I was incredibly intoxicated on this or that substance where I had to enter a situation in which it was crucial that I function and maintain as if I was completely sober, and I have always done really well in these situations. I see emotions in a similar manner, an emotion is a chemical change which is occurring within your body/mind which is going to influence your mental state and behavior, now, I am also incredibly good at being able to function under the influence of emotions, I see it as being no different from functioning under the influence of a drug.

Saw the beautiful brunette girl from 26th street again today, she looked as beautiful as ever, she sat next to me as usual and we quietly sat side by side just like every other day.

...at this time of day, while I'm writing this stuff, I feel like I would be more than happy to talk to her and tell her how I feel, however, at like 5am when I see her I am half awake and still really sleepy, so it's always harder to force myself to talk to her.

I don't know what else I can do, Eliza tells me that she reads these posts, and if that's true I've made it pretty clear how I feel and what I want from the situation, so I can't imagine why she wouldn't either post here or tell me in person that either: yes she will give me a chance or: No, and to stop wasting my time and to find another girl to love because she is not interested.

Why would she not just give me a chance or reject me already?


I hope she knows that she could have me and a lifetime of my love and devotion if she wants it, and that all she has to do is say so.

ALTHEA

I told Althea I was feeling lost
Lacking in some direction
Althea told me upon scrutiny
That my back might need protection
I told Althea that treachery
Was tearing me limb from limb
Althea told me, now cool down boy
Settle back easy, Jim

You may be Saturday's child all grown
Moving with a pinch of grace
You may be a clown in the burying ground
Or just another pretty face
You may be the fate of Ophelia
Sleeping and perchance to dream
Honest to the point of recklessness
Self-centred to the extreme

Ain't nobody messin' with you but you
Your friends are getting most concerned
Loose with the truth, maybe its your fire
Baby I hope you don't get burned
When the smoke has cleared, she said
That's what she said to me
You're gonna want a bed to lay your head
And a little sympathy
There are things you can replace
And others you cannot
The time has come to weigh those things
This space is gettin' hot
You know this space is gettin' hot

I told Althea, I'm a roving sign
That I was born to be a bachelor
Althea told me, OK that's fine
So now I'm trying to catch her
Can't talk to you without talking to me
We're guilty of the same offense
Thinking a lot about less and less
And forgetting the love we bring
-Hunter/Garcia

What else can I say?

It's not that I'm lacking inspiration...

No matter how far out into hyperspace I venture, somehow it always settles back down into this.

...the beautiful brunette girl from 26th street is the only person I see during my day that I actually want to talk to and spend time around.

I really try to give others a chance, and I treat everybody with compassion and respect. Still, I never encounter anybody that I actually want to spend time around.

I try to remain as humble as possible, and I would never judge anyone.

...actually, there are a few people here and there that I really want to interact with. I love to listen, and I love to learn new things. Often times people will assume that because I like the grateful dead's music that I would want to interact with other grateful dead fans, when in reality this is not the case at all, I already know about the dead, you know? I want to meet people that can teach me new things, that have interests that are new and interesting.
   Well, first off I should have started by saying that when others put a good deal of effort into sycophantically conforming to this or that "cookie-cutter culture" it automatically causes me to loose interest in interacting with that person. I like to meet individuals who truly are unique, who have novel and strange interests, and who see and do things in their own individual way. I like to meet "the undefined". I think jerry was right on when he commented that by leaving something undefined it in essence becomes everything, and I always enjoy meeting people who consciously or not, have left themselves undefined.

It always drives me crazy when others will attempt to define me, though I can somewhat understand what drives them to do so, I think it brings them comfort in diminishing the unknown in their environment, they will look at a person and say "ah, this person must be a hippie, therefore I know what they think and believe", and in doing this they are comforted, often feeling that can can even predict how this person will behave or react. When these people encounter someone that they can't define it automatically brings them discomfort, it's an unknown for them, and when people feel something is unknown the general reaction is fear in one firm or another.

I've never defined myself, I would see labels and definitions and encumberments or restraints...

Part of it's magic is that we've always avoided defining any part of it, and the effect seems to be that in not defining it, it becomes everything. -Jerry Garcia

I've never understood the urge to "be part of something". It's as if some are searching for something larger than themselves in which they can abandon their individuality and dedicate themselves to, and I've just never been able to fully grasp the motivation behind this.

...I guess it is easier to have all of your views, beliefs, choices in fashion, music, speech, and activities all set in place, where all you would have to do is conform to the established "cookie-cutter culture", but personally, that type of thing would drive me mad.

...again, nothing but garbage writing this morning.

It's not that I am uninspired, just poorly motivated towards generating anything more than mediocre dribble.

·I'm in love with the beautiful brunette girl from 26th street who sits next to me every morning.

·I never meet anybody worth interacting with

I believe those were the two initial points here, and somehow it got dragged into some overly simplistic dissection of cultural conformity and its detrimental effect on free thought and individuality.

It's been cold. The fog this morning was incredible. I'm going to spend the rest of the day snuggled up in bed watching netflix with Melanie. (Maybe one day ill be able to spend cold days cuddled up with the beautiful brunette girl from 26th rather than Melanie, who is just a close friend. Dont get me wrong, it's nice to have a girl to snuggle up with and to hold and to keep each other warm on a cold day, but with Melanie it's entirely platonic, we love each other, but it's not romantic, and I know for a fact that I would be so much happier if I could enjoy awesome movies all day while cuddled up in a nice warm bed with the beautiful brunette girl from 26th street, that would be like a dream come true. The beautiful brunette girl from 26th has a really adorable side to her, and I know she would be perfect to snuggle up with and to hold tight, plus, times likes these are best spent with someone you love romantically. (No offense Melanie! You know I love you, and I love spending cold days in bed with you, but you understand, I wish I could spend days like this with a girl that I love romantically)

Didn't get to see her today. It's always on the days when I actually feel like talking with her that she doesn't show up.

What day of the week even is it?

I spent my second bus ride talking to the angry old bald man who had caused a scene on the bus just days before. The conversation was forced and I spent most of it regurgitating basics on topics which I had already long transcended. I tried to make the most of it and remain social, but damn, what a headache. Friendly conversation is a grueling chore in most cases. ...actually, in this case the guy got my attention by tapping me on the shoulder and kind of forced me into talking with him. I seriously dislike talking to people that I can't learn anything from. Like Marshall Mcluhan said Anyone who tries to make a distinction between education and entertainment doesn't know the first thing about either., so maybe it's my fault for wanting to be educated and entertained when I interact with others. I know I'm expecting too much.

If my daily routine was a literary work it would be filled with boring characters, and I think that's the biggest issue I have with my morning routine, it's the most boring part of my day, the story line, the plot, and the characters are all lacking during those hours, and on a day like today, where I did not get to see the beautiful brunette from 26th street, things are excruciatingly dull.

Some girls are strange, and are obviously trying to get my attention in really forward ways, and its been getting pretty bad recently. I swear, it will seem like months will go by where girls really won't pay attention to me, and then, for reasons I can't understand, a bunch of girls will all start perusing me at the same time.

these days one day will be referred to as the period before you spoke to the girl from 26th.