Hi All:
I have come to a rather low point in life now.
My wife, living very far away and on the verge of divorcing me, doesn't want to discuss my feelings now.
Our telephone conversation last night was very brief; a fine way to go into the holidays.
I have tried to satisfy my mind and my curiosity by participating here.
I have tried to find like minded individuals and to connect here.
I have not met these objectives to my satisfaction.
This is not to impune anyone or what they do here and the topics they discuss here.
Yes, there are a few I connected with to different degrees.
But just a few, and not enough to pry me from the depths I am sinking into.
I need something more, something like I had when my wife entered my life.
I had hoped to learn and be amazed from my dabblings with these topics.
I only learned in a bookish, scientific sense.
Personally, I have probably withdrawn some, since talking about the matters of this board is seldom possible with the people I encounter face-to-face.
I rarely ventured into the journeys so often discussed here.
When I first did, they were entertaining, but that was it.
I failed to learn anything of myself or my surroundings.
Maybe there was nothing to learn, that anything perceived as learning was a delusion.
Or maybe I was not open.
Whatever the case, nothing but diversion and amusement occurred for me.
Now, any of these activities are wrought with fear and panic.
I have nothing against amusement and diversion, but for now they are not the solution to my ails.
I certainly do not need fear and panic when I have a dread of waking up and experience futility and sadness with many of my waking hours.
The myriad hours I have spent typing and reading here are now gone.
The time and energy I put here could have been put towards of measn that would help others or help me connect with others rather than showing off my knowledge or getting a chuckle.
Would the outcome with my departing wife have been different? Maybe or maybe not.
I need to move to a new phase of my life.
I need to get back to connecting with an everyday person.
Having something in my life that I hold away from people is not going to help me get there.
I thank you for all the correspondemce, the invitations, the wit, and the time shared together.
I am trying to open a new chapter in my life.
To begin that chapter, I am going to return to congregating with people, not my keyboard.
Religion I find challenging right now, and I am unsure where I will land, but I will re-open that possibility.
I had ruled out the existance of a supreme being, but doing so left me with nothing.
No consolation and no purpose for myself or my life.
Carry on, for I think for some poeple, these passions and pursuits offer something.
For others, they are an abused escape.
For me, they were neither, but nonetheless, a liability and an impediment.
I want to be happier than I am, and for that I need people, not screens.
Thanks and goodbye.
I am going to try a few houses of worship to see what might suit me.
And no one here needs to feel concerned about my safety or security.
No one has gotten to me, so no one here is at risk.
I refuse to take care of my troubles by suicide.
I have encountered a few people at work ( place filled with advance educated scientists and engineers ) who are religiously active.
They seem to have their lives together, a satisfaction with where they are and what they are doing.
I lack these senses of peace and purpose, so I am willing try their approaches.
I have been thinking these people are wrong, and I am right; yet they are happy and I am not.
And from speaking one of them yesterday, he had gone through a hellish period himself not unlike mine, and got his life back to where he wanted it and managed to stay with the same woman. That spoke to me.
I am not going to become a religious zealot or prosyltizer.
I do hope to find a stronger support network and to reinvigorate the desire to get out of bed.
My only suggestion to you here is to seek a new Moderator for The Shaman's Hut.
I wish you well Winder..... I've appreciated the efforts you have bestowed upon this board... Believe it when I say that many have gotten some good benefits from what you have shared with us here.... Yeah, sure, you have my good hopes, and my sympathies in your trials and all like that; but I'm fairly certain such things seem sort of shallow and distant.... I'm somewhat surprised, though not at odds, with your decision to investigate the religio-spiritual realms... I mean, considering that you seem rooted in the scientific perspective... What can I say though; alot of people find truth and meaning there, myself included.... Good Luck brother and do remember the doors always open.... senorsal
All the best Winder. Thank you for the valuable contributions over the years. You've inspired alot of original thought for me personally and your opinion and knowledge base is well respected.
So yeah, good luck in the journey. And if by chance in your wonderings a guy in a rubber chicken suit ever stops by and offers you rocks to chew with, I suggest the appropriate number is 4. :D
Love
A~
Hey, windey.
Sorry to hear about your current state. You are not alone in your feelings.
I'm typing this from our lanai in Kona Hawaii. The wife and I have been here for a week or so. I traveled to the other side of the island to meet up with dendro on our first day. I expected to spend a couple of hours, but ended up talking with him and his wife for most of the day. We are headed that way tomorrow, the wife and I, to spend a little more time before we leave da eyelan.
Winder, you are one of the people I've told myself I'd meet up with one day. I hope that is still possible. I would appreciate it if'n you would pm me an email addy before you leave so I can keep in touch that way. But that is up to you, bro.
Anyway, I didn't plan on posting while on vacation, but just found this thread and really wanted to respond.
Please realize this too shall pass.
Thanks for being here when I needed you. I appreciate all you have shared with the community.
I still hope to meet you in person one day.
lw
Winder, you are one of the mainstays here. I am sad to see you go but still have hope that someday you will return. I do understand though, that when your life seems messed up you have to set priorities. The internet may not be one of those priorities right now.
I still use your suggestion of how to dispose of old lawnmower gasoline that had been sitting around too long. Just put it in your car's gas tank. I've seen you help people with lots of other stuff too.
Try some salvia divinorum. Keep trying it until you get what you need. It can work like magic. Best of luck.
Very sorry to see you go Winder but I also understand that one must shuffle priorites sometimes.
Life is all about change and I do hope that any changes that come your way are for the better.
Peace be with you brother!
-kemp
It's all about balance in my life, since having split with a certain significant other. Catch you on the flip side...
winder, we haven't really talked much on this board on a personal level, unless reading counts, but let me add this:
we are what we are and we do what we do until it no longer serves us.
The net is often a dramatic short-cut to living, enabling us to go through a necessary phase in life in less time than it would take in real life.
The net offers communication on a scale that is simply impossible otherwise and gives us a touchstone with minds from all cultures and all variations of philosophies. This is a gift.
We accept it, we love it, we may overdo it. But when we're satiated, we stop, or slow down, or look for different input. We look for what we need.
May your search be fruitful. Every bit of energy we expend comes back to us. May you be rewarded for your courage in opening new doors - may you be enriched with new experience to help you find new footing.
As Syd says, we all search for a way to balance ourselves, our lives.
And as Kemp says, life is always changing. It sometimes takes a shock of sorts to get us to notice it.
(when i say 'we' and 'us', i'm not being preachy, i'm just avoiding saying 'I' or 'me' but i mean 'i' and 'me' and if what i say fits, grab it for yourself)
best to you.
Oh. I just logged in on a friend's computer and this was the first thing I read. People (6 of us and 17 for xmas ) and my house here have kept me so busy.
I also wish you all the best in this next chapter of your life, Winder. I hope you might consider popping back in now and then; the place will be poorer for your absence.
I have recently had a very strange experience where a place I dreamed about many years ago was revealed to me as a real place in America, via some small snippet on late night tv. It has renewed and refreshed my sense of the numinous. Also recently I have come to understand the meaning of the Mayan calendar and found, through this, a resonance with what is happening around us.
I hope that you also will find something(s) on your path to revive your spirits.
May you find whatever it is you seek.
Good will and luck to you in your hour of need.
boomer2
Though I hardly knew you I have read some of your posts.
Hope every thing comes out in a better vibration for 2008
Hey Winder,
Sorry to see you go, hope things work out for you! I appreciate the kindness you have shown me and hope to see you around again! Take care brother!
Peace & Blessings
ObOdAoUr
Winder, good luck along your path. Hopefully, you'll find some things expected and surprising to keep you going. And hopefully if you want to come back, this site will be here to welcome you. Peace, brother.
No way out but through....
Good luck. Divorce is always a hard thing no matter what caused things to go that way. I've been down that road before.
may your deep hurting be fully healed...
winder - I recognise your name from many years and have read many of your posts. I'm sorry to hear you're leaving + wish you the best of luck for the future!