Today is my first session with a psychologist. I can finally start to find out if I am Asperger's Syndrome and/or borderline personality disorder. Please wish me luck (even though I know many of you disagree with psychotherapy and analysis). It took me years to reach this decision and I am, at this point, rather hopeful.
-The Caul
Took some guts on your part caulfield to make that move, so good for you. I bet it was a solid choice. First steps are always the hardest.
So best of luck............ and don't be afraid to seek other counselors if the first one doesn't set with you well.
Caul, I have been seeing a great therapist, plus taking Zoloft for some months now. Can't even begin to tell you how much help I have gotten. Go forth fearlessly my friend.
no person's happiness or sense of sanity is another's, and no person's path to these things is any but his or her own...good luck, caul, be brave as you plunge into your psychic murk...keep swimming, each stroke a splash toward hope...
Quote from: "JRL"Caul, I have been seeing a great therapist, plus taking Zoloft for some months now. Can't even begin to tell you how much help I have gotten. Go forth fearlessly my friend.
Hey jazzman. I am curious. About how long did it take you to find a therapist who is in tune to you? Was this person suggested by a friend or family member? I found my person on my own (provider listing through my insurance) because I don't want everyone close to me to know just yet that I am going this route.
The two main concerns I have are how long it will take me to find someone who connects to my particular set of issues, and making the decision as to whether to consider pharms if it gets suggested. Those two things make me somewhat apprehensive and nervous... But other than that, null sweat hereabouts.
Well this therapist was recommended by my brother some years ago in an earlier time of crisis. She is just great, and specializes in the problems encountered by artists and other creative types (she is a musician herself).
Last time I was really not ready for the help she had to offer, this time it has been miraculous. Her emphasis is on interpersonal integrative healing, and also work on habits of thought. She is nonjudgmental and I trust her totally.
As far as the pharms go, I had never even considered going that way, but deep in crisis I decided to try St. John's Wort, and it was hit or miss, but it gave me enough relief to see that maybe that was the direction I needed to go. What I am seeing from looking at my history in therapy is that I have had a lifelong tendency to depression, dealt with by self medicated which in turn further upset my chemical imbalances. My many years of heavy drug abuse have probabley permantley changed my brain.
Man, it is so great to wake up in the morning with a sense of excitment, rather than dread and anger. My late beloved Uncle Bob, who was no stranger to mental health issues once told me "keep working at it and it will work out". I realize now what wise words they were.
All the best!
Good for you and good luck.
You know i've always wanted to sit down with a psychologist...I've viewed that as an incredibly fun period, man I would rock their world with my thoughts and philosophies. The things that drive me would come up....I bet they would definatly institutionalize me after that hahahahahahaha.
So I guess good luck but mostly I envy you....
As far as Pharms go...I really don't beleive in those (except to have a good time once and a while). I beleive that you will never really get through your problem unless YOU confront it head on, make peace my friend.
-Matt
Ooooh!!
Now you're talking!! I know what this is all about!!
http://www.shrinkydinks.com/ (http://www.shrinkydinks.com/)
With Love!!
Lj
Well Hya, in my case it is taking both of those things to help...would you rather I suffer??
JRL, I'm not really sure what you are talking about...
I was just saying that eventually it's just going to be YOU, and you have to make peace with yourself in order to fully recover. I actually think drugs make that harder to do because addiction can be a horrible thing (I quit fucking cigarettes on the first of January, and i'm still getting cravings I mean what the hell man it's been a month I WON SO LET ME WIN!!!).
Another example is sleeping pills, i've stayed away from those even though i'm an insomniac. Infact i've stayed away from those because i'm an insomniac. I already have these things I have to do before I go to bed otherwise they just stay on my mind until I eventually get fed up and do them. If I took sleeping pills it would be giving up on myself completely because I KNOW that I would never be able to sleep again without them.
Seriously your statement is absurd as this one:
"I need 10 concubines to sleep easy at night, would you rather I suffer?"
Let me tell you another story:
When I was a bit younger I think I was about 16. My family and I went on a trip to Florida, we got some condo near a beach or something along those lines. Well we were sitting watching tv in the upper part and everyone was laughing and having fun when I realized I felt alienated.
I thought to myself "I'm not having fun like them, is there something wrong with me?". I fell into the deepest depression i've ever had, because I was allowing myself to think like that. Everytime I walked by a high place I thought of jumping off it, just to end the fucking depression.
I thought to myself "What if i'm dead, and everyone around me is just one of my memories being played out infront of me." This of couse threw me deeper into depression because I felt even more alone and alienated. We went out for crabs that night and I just bust out crying because the internal pain was incredible. It was the worst feeling i've ever felt, crying made me feel slightly better for some reason.
The depression kept eating at me, slowly pushing me closer to the decision to just end it. I felt completely confined to my own mind which had all these horrible thoughts swirling constantly in it. It was seriously incredibly horrible, anyone who hasn't had this level of depression can't even comprehend the hurt it was causing.
Since I was confined to my mind anyways I let my thoughts wander, I searched the inner recesses of my own mind over and over and over and over. I found an abundance of good family memories which I beleived at the time to be gone forever never to return in the intensity my memories made them out to be.
My mind continued to search itself, I started thinking how would I like to die. I thought well I might as well not make my life a total waste I could go down shooting. I could fight off anyone I damn well pleased like trying to kill, I mean seriously I was just going to die anyways. It was these thoughts that actually brought me closer to happiness. The fact that I could do something, something impacting, something other than just a random suicide death.
I searched even deeper and realized, "Hey wait a second, if I was just going to die anyways I could act however I damn well felt also.". These thoughts swirled hard and I began to think about how funny some of the things I could do would be. I remember thinking about running around completely naked, and just hitting on women strait out without playing games. Infact being naked while doing so didn't escape my mind I must say.
I smiled at the thought of my own personal power, I realized I had a broad range of options. I could do some fucking awesome things, I could do anything I wanted. I instantly threw away thoughts of what others thought of me, I mean seriously you guys what the fuck do I care i'm ready to die.
So I decided then to set up mind boundaries that I would never cross again. Firstly I blocked off the thought I was the only real living being. I still cross it sometimes, but I just laugh when I think about it now. I then blocked the whole thought of "I wonder what they are thinking of me?". This proved to be harder and I still do worry sometimes instinctivly, but I just throw it away after a brief moment. Other thoughts I come up with that cross my isolation border as I come up with them are thrown away also.
I was permenently changed from my depression, and it was a change for the better.
-Matt
I hear what you are saying, my wife had the same view. When I first started to come to terms with the fact that I was not really doing that well, and my depression, obsession and paranoia was threatening to destroy everything I had worked for, she said basically it was because I was defining myself like that. She is tough, she figured I could change how I was just by deciding to be better.
In a way she is right, I said that's what I am doing but it's gonna take a little while. I went and saw this great therapist I know, told her how crazy I had become. Looking back on my life, it made great sense when she said, you have inborn chemical imbalances probably, aggravated by 39 years of heavy self medication(since I was 15). She suggested that I try an anti deppresant. I continued to work with her, and do a lot of introspection.
A month or so later I started on an SSRI, and continued therapy. Finally some light. It's been tough looking hard at why I had all these self defeating patterns. Mostly I think it was seeing how hard I myself, and projecting that onto the people around me. Man, It was likely to kill me, I'm too old to be that crazy.
But the bottom line is that all this work is paying off, I really feel different.
I don't know if it's the drug, the therapy, the change of habits, or just a process. I think that they all depend on each other. I don't think one would have happened without the others.
These things are not happy pills, they are normalizers. I have no idea of how long I will take them, but if it has to be the rest of my life, so be it. But I don't think they are keeping me from dealing with my issues, on the contrary.
Maybe if I had a realizations you did young I might not have ended up like this, but it is what it is. I just know that this is what I need to do it's working for me.
What you said about drawing mental limits rings a bell too. Of course that could be a way of avoiding things, but in my case, I have learned to recognise obsession and am learning to turn it off.
Hope this makes sense.
I hear what you are saying, my wife had the same view. When I first started to come to terms with the fact that I was not really doing that well, and my depression, obsession and paranoia was threatening to destroy everything I had worked for, she said basically it was because I was defining myself like that. She is tough, she figured I could change how I was just by deciding to be better.
In a way she is right, I said that's what I am doing but it's gonna take a little while. I went and saw this great therapist I know, told her how crazy I had become. Looking back on my life, it made great sense when she said, you have inborn chemical imbalances probably, aggravated by 39 years of heavy self medication(since I was 15). She suggested that I try an anti deppresant. I continued to work with her, and do a lot of introspection.
A month or so later I started on an SSRI, and continued therapy. Finally some light. It's been tough looking hard at why I had all these self defeating patterns. Mostly I think it was seeing how hard I myself, and projecting that onto the people around me. Man, It was likely to kill me, I'm too old to be that crazy.
But the bottom line is that all this work is paying off, I really feel different.
I don't know if it's the drug, the therapy, the change of habits, or just a process. I think that they all depend on each other. I don't think one would have happened without the others.
These things are not happy pills, they are normalizers. I have no idea of how long I will take them, but if it has to be the rest of my life, so be it. But I don't think they are keeping me from dealing with my issues, on the contrary.
Maybe if I had a realizations you did young I might not have ended up like this, but it is what it is. I just know that this is what I need to do it's working for me.
What you said about drawing mental limits rings a bell too. Of course that could be a way of avoiding things, but in my case, I have learned to recognise obsession and am learning to turn it off.
Hope this makes sense.
You know JRL, you sound like a great guy. I always try to view things as the other person might know better, like I can't comprehend their situation fully.
Salvia actually blew my mind with things I couldn't comprehend, and kinda set this in stone.
I also realize there are insurmountable generation gaps, in which comprehnsion of anothers thinking and mindsets seem impossible to understand. For example even my younger sisters who are around 10, have trends and things that I just don't understand at all. (granted women are an impossible thing to understand)
It seems like you have self-confidence which is exactly the cure for this.
As for the mental limits, I fully agree that they are a way of avoiding things. They are things I view should be avoided though, just crazy philosophical mindsets that have no scientific backup...Things that for some reason I was actually making up to bring myself down at the time.
So ya I guess I can really only understand what i've been through, and can't perfectly set myself in your shoes...I'm still personally against the meds (I would never take them...well except Gabapentin, because it's just way to much fun hahahahaah). I can't tell you not to though I can only recommend based on personal experiances.
Perhaps your pill is just one made of sugar also...maybe you've had it in you all along.
-Matt
JRL, did the salvia do you any good? It's worked wonders for me and other people I know who tried it. It doesn't seem to have any side effects, unlike pharm products.
I personally don't think happiness is found in a pill or even in an herb. You do have to think positively and get out of some negative thought patterns. Just the way you interpret events that happen in your life can make a big difference. For that, an outside person can be invaluable. Or just listen to what people are saying to you and sometimes you hear something that clicks with you.
Salvia was like St. Johns, it worked enough to notice but it was hit or miss.
If you would have asked me a year ago about antideppresants I probably would have not been interested, but desperate times call for desperate measures.
The side effects are there, but considering the alternative I will take them. They seem to be lessing with time. The funny thing is the drug feels like a natural fit, like tryptamines do.
Hey if I had my whole life ahead of me, I would probably be looking down some other path. I am dedicated to squeezing every bit of life out of the 20 years or so years more I can reasonably expect.
All signs seem to point to a chemical imbalance being at the root of my problems. This was undertaken as an experiment, so far I really like the results. I am gonna give the pharms six months and then reevaluate. It certainly beats being dependent on street drugs. My therapist said my drug is a lazer, cocaine is a sledgehammer and meth is a bulldozer. I certainly don't wanna go back the way I've been, too much cost, too much pain.
First off I would like to make possitive that i'm incredibly drunk...
Ok now for my point, nano-technology is moving at an incredible rate with nano-machines expected to make organs by 2010 and nano-machine injection into the body by 2025...That means these nano-machines will repair the body...D o you know why people die? They die because of organ failure, if you organs are perfect then you don't die. What does this speell out immortality by 2025 baby ya!!!
So I guess my point is age doesn't matter my friend
JRL, if it seemed to work but didn't work enough, you probably just didn't use a large enough dose. Dose is important. When I get the feeling you mention after using salvia, I just use it again. It has always done the job for me. Keep trying it until you find your dose. The depression tends to tell us that everything is useless and makes us give up just before we would have succeeded. Keep trying it and it will work.
Here is a poem I wrote incredibly fast just now. I'm no poet, but all I was trying to do was express what emotions are to me.
â€Emotionsâ€
Grasp onto me
Cut deep into me with your blade
Influence me with anxiety
Or another foolish charade
A lingering imaginary background
That alters perceptions of reality
None of this is sound
Release your ever present grasp
And allow me to fall into myself
-Matt
This second page here somewhat epitomizes rather concisely my current sentiment towards this community as it stands. Don't get me wrong, I consider you all to be people with beautiful thoughts and open minds, but it is frustrating at times to interact with you when dealing with any subject matter outside of a creative context (on a more serious level).
And I am not criticizing any of you... Because truth be told I give everyone the benefit of the doubt when it comes to stuff as complex as psychology and metaphysics etc. And I do that because I can't admit to know or understand what life truly is, beyond 1000 fleeting vague notions that swim around my head. I mean... Existence is what? Its all at once, a intricate and beautiful work of art; an empty and all comsuming cosmic joke; an epic tale of ultimate triumph; and a glorious tragedy of perpetual defeat.
Heck, so if I ever post that I suffer from any level of anxiety or depression or obsessive-compulsive tendencies and then recieve a poem, a painting, or a trip report as a reply... Out of respect for the lot of you I have to see where you are coming from with an open mind.
Avery, J, Cen, Syd, etc... Thx for your support in this matter. As I stated, it took years of my life and ALOT of thought to even come to this decision, and J, I especially appreciate your responses detailing your personal experiences with psychotherapy. I too have my doubts so far, but I just wanna give this a try. I simply feel like I have hit a wall in my personal growth and nothing I have tried so far is helping me to really face whatever it may be which is bogging me down. With that said, the only thing which has truly prevented me from seeking any form of professional help (emotional or psychological) is also another form of close-mindedness to begin with.
I felt a bit guilty about hijacking your thread, but it just kind of grew. I knew I would get some response about the meds.
Caul, sometimes a trained objective other is just what is needed to take the next step, whatever it is. PM me if you want to.
Sorry for hijacking the thread but I just have one more thing to say. I would like you to take this seriously and actually check it out. I realize that book referals are common to say the least, but this book is seriously good.
It's called:
"Wherever you go there you are" by Jon Kabat-Zinn
One of my friends who was in extreme depression, and when I say this I mean really bad the doctor was about to perscribe him gabapentin (which is an extreme happy pill perscribed to bi-polar people). Well he listened to my friends and I and turned down the drugs. I'm not sure who recommended this book to him, but since he's read it he seems much better.
I realize you probibly aren't going to get this book, although I view that to be a huge mistake on your part. There really isn't anything I can do to try and have you read it, have you at least buy it, or perhaps check it out from your library.
I personally think that this will help you more than any drug, more than anything. I sound kinda insane now, and since you probibly have already judged me on who you think I am....I guess all I can do is say please read it.
If there ever was a time in real life that I would bow down and beg someone to do something, it would be now. I know that you don't know me in real life....but please read this before taking a perscription. Man I would seriously be in tears right now if I were saying this to you in person, infact i'm almost in tears now...do your best my friend
P.S. I would buy it for you and have it shipped to you, but I seriously don't have the money. As it is i'm a month behind on rent and i'm eating nothing but microwave 33 cent burritos and ramen noodles.
Best of luck, Matt
good luck
Quote from: "brown"good luck
BROWN! Miss ya brah! How is life?!?! Thanks for the sentiment.
Good Luck.
Reminded me of one time I was on Khosarn Road in Banlumphu, Bangkok and I was looking over some 8 x 6 prints I just had developed when this wino kionda person came up to me, all dirty and gruby and says, "Mushroom John!, Didn't you and I go to the same psychiatrist in Honolulu."
not to worry, I got over it long ago.
Funny thing is my Dr at the time, had eaten over 100 hits of LSD in his life. He uit his practive four tiems to go off tripping arounfd the world. Finally tuened his clients over to his partner.
boomer2
Quote from: "boomer2"Good Luck.
Reminded me of one time I was on Khosarn Road in Banlumphu, Bangkok and I was looking over some 8 x 6 prints I just had developed when this wino kionda person came up to me, all dirty and gruby and says, "Mushroom John!, Didn't you and I go to the same psychiatrist in Honolulu."
not to worry, I got over it long ago.
Funny thing is my Dr at the time, had eaten over 100 hits of LSD in his life. He uit his practive four tiems to go off tripping arounfd the world. Finally tuened his clients over to his partner.
boomer2
Okay, thanks oldtimer. My dude had started to mention Leary once and I accidentally kinda scoffed under my breath and he confronted me so I was like "Sorry Doc, it's nothing... I just think Leary was a moron. I do kind of like Alan Watts though." and he said "Well... Alan Watts was just... A beautiful human being. Yup."
Too soon for me to outright declare that things are going well, but all in all it is not nearly as scary or STRANGE as I thought it would be.
-Caulnalyst
Hi Caul ... i had psychotherapy many years back - a Jungian therapist recommended by a friend. It is absolutely key that you are 100% comfortable with him/her (no psychological barriers, as they say).
When I talked about my life she would be looking for clues to repressed, unprocessed, traumatic etc experiences.
I left the city and discontinued therapy and it took many years to really get in touch with the certain aspects of myself that i knew were causing me problems.
I do hope it works for you.
Thanks Casser, I appreciate it.